I must be in heaven, she thought. I made it to heaven!
She felt herself moving and fell asleep promptly, believing that heaven was a warm car that traveled around the world and never stopped.
Something plastic with sharp edges was shoved under her tongue. She wanted to take it out, but her hands wouldn’t cooperate. So she let it stay until someone pulled it out for her.
“Jesus,” she heard her mother say. “A hundred and one.”
“Should we take her to urgent care?” a boy asked. It sounded like Evan.
“Let’s try to get the fever down with ibuprofen first,” Ellen said.
Clara felt Evan pull her up gently, ask her to open her mouth, then deposit four tablets on her tongue.
“Swallow, Clara,” he said putting the glass of water next her lips. She obeyed tasting the metallic of the medicine tablets as they went down.
“I’m going to see if she’ll eat some soup,” Ellen said.
“I’ll feed her,” Evan offered.
“It’s okay,” Ellen said. “I’ll do it,” but she allowed Evan to feed her daughter when Clara shook her head violently refusing to let her mother near her.
Ellen brought Evan the bowl and then hung back in the shadows. She didn’t want to leave Clara.
“Get out,” Clara croaked, refusing to eat anything until her mother was gone.
“Clara,” Evan said soothingly. “Let your mother stay.”
“No,” Clara said, the pain in her throat so great she wanted to rip out her esophagus.
Ellen slunk out of the room, and Clara thought she heard a muffled cry.
Evan looked at his girlfriend and then at the bowl of chicken broth.
“Do you think you can try to eat something?” he asked.
She nodded, and he brought the spoonful of soup to her lips. She drank it, feeling it coat her throat with warmth and take out the stinging burn as it went down.
“Were you going to sleep there all night?” Evan asked, putting the spoon to her lips once more.
Clara shrugged. She didn’t know what he was talking about.
Evan continued to feed her as he spoke.
“Your mother loves you, Clara,” he said. She screwed up her face in a scowl. “She made a terrible mistake leaving you girls. She knows that.”
Clara drank down the soup in silence.
“Remember how you forgave me for saying that stupid thing to you?” Evan asked.
Clara could not remain silent at this.
“Not the same thing,” she whispered, her throat screaming with every word.
“I know it’s not,” Evan said. “But I’m talking about forgiveness, Clara. You forgave me. You have forgiveness in your heart.”
But Clara was unsure of this. She thought that the part of her soul the wind whipped out of her at the gravestone was the part that allowed her to forgive. It was gone. She thought of Beatrice’s betrayal and knew she couldn’t forgive her. She never wanted to see her sister’s face again. She thought of her mother sitting at the table apologizing to them like she simply yelled at them and hadn’t abandoned them for five months with no explanation or money. There was no forgiveness there. She felt her heart sealing up, the anger setting in to reshape her into something cold and impenetrable.
“Why are you on her side?” Clara asked.
“I’m not on her side,” Evan replied. “It’s not about taking sides.”
“The hell it’s not,” Clara spat. “She left us for five months.”
“I know,” Evan said softly. He couldn’t say what he really felt. Relief that Ellen was back and Clara could be a regular teenager again. It was completely selfish, the strong desire in him to want more of Clara, to feel happy that she could now shed all of the responsibilities that had weighed on her so heavily for months, had taken up so much of her time. He could have a normal girlfriend, a normal relationship, and he was elated. She, on the other hand, looked like she wanted to kill somebody.
“You paid her electric bill,” Clara went on. “Did you forget about that?”
Evan brought the spoon to her lips again.
“I’m not saying she’s a good person, Clara,” he said after a time. “But she’s your mother. And she came home. And I know she wants to make it right.”
“You don’t know anything,” Clara replied.
“Yes I do,” Evan argued. “Because your mother told me.”
Clara narrowed her eyes at her boyfriend, and then her face softened. She did not want to fight with Evan. He was the only one she had left. She was no fool; she knew his real intentions in asking her to forgive her mother, to relinquish her role as parent. It was self-serving. It meant that she could have more freedom and time to spend with him. He was so selfish of her, but she couldn’t pretend that it didn’t make her feel good.
She finished the rest of her soup in silence. Evan placed the empty bowl on her nightstand and leaned over to kiss her cheek. She let him. It was still red from lying against the cold wet snow.
“I’m going to come over tomorrow after work to check on you,” he said, and she wanted to beg him to stay. She didn’t want to be alone with her sister and mother. She didn’t want them helping her and checking in on her and saying nice things to her that made her want to scream at them.
Evan got up from the bed, and she caught his arm.
“Don’t go,” she said hoarsely.
“Clara, I have to,” Evan replied. “I’ll be here tomorrow. I promise,” and he bent down to kiss her softly on the lips, not caring if she was contagious.
***
Clara missed a week of school. She had strep throat. Her mother took her to urgent care on the second day and got her the antibiotics she needed. Clara, in her dizzy vagueness, wondered how her mother paid for it.