Holt's Holding (Part One)

chapter 8





Finally, at University of Maryland Hospital…I made my way to Sam’s room. Inside her mother and Brady stood laughing and I could hear her complaining as the simple act caused her pain.

I stopped at the edge of her bed. “How are you doing love?” I smiled down to her.

“Drunk on pain killers Lil…and very good pain killer may I add!” she giggled, “oh shit, it hurts to laugh!”

Relief flooded me…she was ok. Brady watched me intently and stood up quickly to embrace me. I shook the tremble cascade thru me and into him.

“Lil…you look worse than me?” Sam’s voice sobered up.

“I’m fine Sam…I’m so sorry…I would have been here sooner…I blacked out last night…I’m so sorry!” and the tears fell free down my face claiming Brady’s shirt.

“It’s ok Lil… I got you.” Brady offered, “Lillian lost her family to a tragic accident. She doesn’t deal well with this sort of thing.” He offered to Sam. I was grateful for not having to explain.

“Lil loves…see I’m ok…honest. Please don’t be upset…I’ll be ok…don’t you know nothing can keep me from our happy hours Lil.”

I released a laugh, threw my tears…She was my best friend or female friend. I knew now, I cared for her and her friendship. More than I had previously thought. She was family to me. My best friend.

“I’m sorry…I apparently hit my head pretty hard last night.” I offered trying to make light of my display.

“Clearly!” Brady laughed along with me.

I spent the next few hours with them until visiting hours had me leaving. Brady got special permission to stay with her. It was so clear to me…Brady was in love with her.

I was happy for him. My two friends. They were perfect for one another.

Walking from the hospital, I decided on walking the four blocks to my apartment.

The cool September night was refreshing. The past forty-eight hours seemed to run through me…Charlie then Sebastian…back and forth between the two…all their words and even those that were unspoken…the ones that were just below the surface. I now saw they both wanted something from me…something, I knew was unattainable…the part that was me. But then again, I knew undoubtedly who they were, and their games. I knew them, because I was just the female version of them. I learned to be just like them. Their words meant nothing. They were just words. Jesus. Where was my life heading? Did I really want this? Suddenly my shoulders felt heavy and life caught up with me.

F*ck, Lucian again flooded my head.

When would I ever be free? His dark espresso hair and those brown eyes haunted my memory. It had only been seven months since he last reminded me of his dominance in my life. The thought of him had my shivering. He was the true fear in my life. I was so damn tired of the fear the followed his wake. I needed to free myself, one way or another. Suddenly, the gears started to turn. Walking home, my control reigned in sharply. I knew what, and how, I need to free myself. Did I have the courage to do it? Could I free myself from all that I worked for?

I suspected that when I was to make it home that Charlie would not be there. Or I hoped.

I rode the elevator up and walked to the front door. Unlocking and pushing the door open the apartments was dark and still.

I shut the door behind me and walked with my bag to my room. Opting to change out of the clothes Sebastian had purchased I pulled on an oversized off the shoulder shirt and yoga pants. I pulled my hair up and walked to the kitchen finding myself a glass and pouring the red wine full.

Keeping the lights off, I reached for the remote to the IPod still in the dock of the Bose and hit play.

Wine in hand, I walked to the large windows and allowed my thoughts to flow.

The song spoke my thoughts… “Dangerous power.” by Gabriel & Dresden.

I stood there for what seemed like hours watching the city below.

Something needed to change. I no longer had a taste for this game I had been playing. Ally’s memory, and her words a constant. Flooded me. Yes, something needed to change. I couldn’t and would not play Sebastian’s game…which meant I would be quitting my job come Monday…It was also time for me to move out of the city. I had planned to renew the lease, but now, I knew staying here wouldn’t help me. This was my wake up call. Sam, shot in front of me was too much.

I knew now that my resolve was always one of protection…I needed to protect my heart…my Ally. I couldn’t continue on this path and do that.

Ignoring the roar of the door slamming into the wall. I heard the laughter of what was obviously a one nighter and Charlie…each hot for the other. I paid them no mind and didn’t move. Within a few minutes, the door slammed shut and they made their way into Julie’s room.

After about thirty minutes, a satisfied Charlie quietly walked from the room closing the door as softly as he could. I still didn’t turn to him and focused out to the street below.

He opened the fridge and the light brightened the room.

I sensed that he finally spotted me. The close of the fridge door was slow. He walked over and stopped behind me knocking over the three bottle of wine I clearly went thru.

“Shit Lillian…you drank all those?”

I said nothing my eyes fixed and still pooling tears that I hadn’t realized were ever constantly flowing down my face.

Knowing he was standing next to me, I was still startled when he touched me and trembled.

“Lillian…are you ok?”

I didn’t answer.

“Are you mad at me for the other night?”

“No” I whispered.

I heard my phone buzz…I assumed it was Julie. I had texted her informing her that I would be moving out this week.

Charlie picked up my phone and read the message.

“You’re moving?”

“Yes.” I replied staring out the window.

“Please tell me that I didn’t cause this? Julie will have my balls.”

I turned to him, “Why do men think the world revolves around them?”

He sucked in a deep breath and placed his hand to my cheek…

“You’ve been crying Lillian…what happened?”

“My friend was shot Friday night…it was a wakeup call Charlie…one I was in need of.”

“I’m so sorry Lillian” he tried to pull me to him.

“Don’t Charlie” I placed my hand to his chest. Stepping slightly away from him.

“Lillian…please let me be here for you.” He asked with such care.

A woman’s voice called his name…he released a sigh and stepped back releasing any attempts to hold me.

“I think you’re being summoned, better get to her.”

“I can and should get rid of her.”

“But why would you Charlie? Certainly not for me…I don’t want you to.” And I didn’t. I had so much to work through, I was grateful for the first time in days, my mind was so preoccupied, that his presence didn’t faze me.

I walked from his stunned expression, with my almost empty fourth bottle of wine, to my room, making sure I closed my door behind me.

I sat at my bed looking out the window…I was drunk and numb…always numb…pathetic. I was actually wallowing in my own mess. I got over my head. Lord, I wish my life had been different, normal.

All the words and adjectives that had been used to describe me circled my mind…the tears continued down…

I wasn’t sure what had happened, but it felt like my heart ached for the first time in seven years…my heart ached.

The bottle now empty, I dropped it to the floor and lay down on my bed. My eyes sore and unable to produce a single tear. Lying on my side, I found myself just staring out in the dark.

I felt the bed shift…his weight came down and pulled me to him. His cologne was a dead giveaway. Charlie.

I didn’t protest. I wanted to be held…it had been so long since I had been…since I needed to be held. He pulled the covers up over us wrapping in his warmth.

“I’m here Lillian…I won’t let you go until you need me to.” He whispered behind me with conviction and kissed the back of my head. “I’m not sure what happened, but don’t move out.”

“I need to Charlie. I need to get away from…” I paused catching my words. “I just need to change some things in my life. I can’t keep going down this path. I don’t even think I want it anymore.”

“I’m not really sure what it is in your life that you feel like you need to change, but if I may, follow your instincts. If they are telling you to change your path, then there is probably a good reason for it. But, don’t run away. Running never solves anything.” He sighed. “Trust me; I know a thing or two about running away.”

“I’m not running away Charlie. I don’t run, nor do I give up. However, right now, I just want it to end. I want to be free of my past. I want normal Charlie.”

“You’re not normal Lillian, I say this in a good way. The moment I saw in the kitchen, I sensed you were so much more,” he paused and I sensed him thinking over his words. “You are amazing, strong and confident. You have me guessing, not many have me doing that. You scare me.” His last statement, his confession, had me hold my breath.

“You scare me too.” I sighed. “But, I just can’t go there, not with you.” I whispered.

I could feel his body tense a bit. “What is it that prevents you? Why are you holding back?”

“If you, if only I could tell you…” I closed my eyes and my heart sped up. Shit, I’m drunk and I can’t open up to him. If understood who I was he wouldn’t be holding me like a man in love. “I’m not good for you Charlie, too much baggage.” I sighed.

“I could say the same about myself Lillian. I understand baggage, and secrets I have a shit load. But tonight, it doesn’t matter to me; I don’t care about your past.”

I turned into Charlie wrapping my arm around him. He kissed my forehead long and hard. I raised my eyes meeting his.

I trembled and my breath hitched. His eyes wide, appraising, his hand rubbing at my jaw just to pause under my chin. I lifted it up to him on my own.

“Are you sure?” he breathed in shock.

I raised my lips slow and gently to his. Trembling, I knew I shouldn’t allow this…but I want to …I needed to…It didn’t matter that it was him…I just needed to feel. I needed to prove to myself that I could do this. I grazed his lips with mine, panic threatened as my body shuddered in fear. My resolve was greater then the fear. Opening my eyes, I felt trapped in his. The light from the street was just enough that I could see his.

His lips took charge of mine and consumed me. His kiss started slow then turned urgent, as if he needed it as much as I did. And I needed. I needed him tonight. The need was so different and foreign.

It was a hunger that I had not afforded myself…a drug and I wanted more. I let go.

Our bodies moved along the others in a rhythm all our own…there was no struggle for control it was a give and take equally matched.

Stripping the clothes off our bodies…we were entering uncharted territory for both of us. This was no longer f*cking…I could feel the tremble release thru him as he held me up facing me, we were holding on to each other my legs wrapped around him as he lifted me over his erection…He paused, his eyes lost and searching deeply into mine. Geez, this was more than I had anticipated. My heart ached and the tremble had me shaking. His hands, sensing my doubt and fear, rubbed my back, holding me securely, the way a man holds a woman, when he’s in love. Oh my god, could this me love? The way he looked at me, had me thinking it might be. His lips on mine had me.

Damn, I had no control with him. I wanted him to consume me, all of me. I knew this was a lie, as he had no clue, who I was, yet I knew him. I knew who he really was. I knew who he was to me. Enemy and fantasy wrapped up into one.

“I never had sex with that woman Lillian…I sent her home...” his word weren’t necessary. I reached down between our bodies, his erected cock, was firm, hard and waiting. Lifting myself around his waist, I poised him at my aching entranced and dropped down slowly, easing him in. Throwing my head back in ecstasy, he was what my body and soul craved. Taking him completely, I reached around his neck pulling him tight for support. His heart pounded hard against my chest.

I cupped his face and urgently kissed him easing my body down to his taking him in.

My tears fell down and within seconds, I met my climax…but this was unlike any climax…this was different …it was freeing and cathartic…and what I had denied for so long.

He wasn’t f*cking me…he was actually making love to me and I knew the difference…

“F*ck, Lillian, you feel like heaven.” He rasped in my ear.

“Charlie,” I moaned in ecstasy, I wanted him to call me by my real name. Crap! He was the first person, I ever wanted to hear to my first name screamed out in pleasure. I was lost in him. The walls I had built were falling in a quick mess of ruble. Each thrust, each claim of my mouth, had me undone. My climax, deep and reverent clamped hard around him; freeing. My control with him, willingly abandoned just for him. This was so new to me. The thunder of my heart had me completely undone in this moment with him. There was no pull to run away, to hide from him. I lost myself in him. My body, now his to control I was conceding for now. Moving up and down his cock, my arms gripped around his shoulders for support as his hands dug into the sides of my hips, bruising them with his hold.

Adjusting he lowered me down to the bed, as his movements increased and his body trembled. Pressing his body hard into mine, I felt trapped and secure. He consumed every part of me. My body withered in pleasure under his. The tempo increased and his cock buried to the hilt. The harder he thrusted, the deeper I felt him.

I knew tomorrow would come and my resolve would return, but for one night, I wanted to lose myself in my feelings, I wanted to lose myself in him.

My enemy, my fantasy.

I was screwed. I knew it, but abandoned all the doubt and fear, giving way to a new feeling of freedom. For tonight, I was his completely. I was willing.

That, scared the shit out of me, but enthralled me at the same time.

We went on, until the morning, entered the room. Finally, I was fully sated and sleep was calling us both. Dropping into each other, we found sleep, and I found peace.

I knew I shouldn’t have walked this path…my body covered in his weight; I felt a peace I hadn’t experience in seven years. The sudden flicker of my heart had me tense in fear. Running my hand down his back, I so could lose myself in him. Perhaps I had already. This wasn’t good. I knew who he was and what he could do to me.

Breathing in deeply, I needed to center myself. He would be the death of me. He would break me in a way that no man ever could. He had that power. The fear spiked and my body stiffened. I needed to move him off me.

My cell phone was buzzing. Looking to the clock, Shit, it was 10am, double shit, it’s Sunday.

I should have been tired but oddly, I wasn’t. I pulled from the bed, and stood to walk to the bathroom. I couldn’t help myself as I appraised a very sleep induced Charlie in my bed. The grin on my face, was a bit unexpected…He was a beautiful man and a mirror image of me. But then again…he couldn’t be. I knew I had fallen hard. Dear lord help me.

What had happened last night didn’t change anything. He was still trapped in his past. I simply played on his mind, reminding him of her. I couldn’t afford more of this. Someone would be hurt and it was no doubt that it would be me. Hell, I was already hurt, more than I realized. Reality had me regaining the sense that my actions were reckless. I let him in. When the truth finally comes knocking, shit, it’s going to be bad.