Holt's Holding (Part One)

chapter 7



The smell of freesia wafted thru my nose. Turning down the hall, Alison was laughing and giggling, as our Boston terrier chased her relentlessly. He wanted the balloon she was pulling behind through the air.

“Ally!” I called out to her. She didn’t hear me and disappeared from view. Smiling, I was standing in the family room. All the widows and patio doors were open. Looking to the wall of open doors, I took in the scent of the freesia that was in full blown on the stone patio.

Ally’s voice echoed thru the house. Her giggles were infectious…she was only five and full of life

“Lilly…Lilly! She laughed, jumping into my arms.”

“Protect me Lilly!”

Holding her, I felt like I was free.

“I’ll always protect you Ally…always!”

“I love having you for a sister Lilly…I want to be just like you when I grows up!” She smiled looking up into my eyes…her beautiful brown eyes, and her soft blonde ringlets bounced and swayed, as I spun her around in my arms.

“And I love you Ally!” I pulled her tight and my tears fell quick, “you are my everything Ally!” The connection to my baby sister had my body crying. I missed her so much. I adored her.

“Lilly…”She giggled, “I thought I was your heart Lilly?” She spoke quizzically as a child would.

“You are my heart Ally.” Complete truth. She was so much more than just my little sister. She was the piece of me, which I hid from the world.

My vulnerability.

Her loss hit me hard. I knew this wasn’t real, but wanted to be lost in the fantasy.

“You look sad Lilly?” her small hand touched my wet cheek. I smiled nuzzling her nose. “I’m not sad silly, I just miss you.”

“Good…I don’t like to see you sad Lilly!”

Squirming out of my arms, her little feet hit the floor. Off she went running, jack our dog followed in pursuit.

“Lilly will stomp you jack! I’m her heart, she will get you!” she yelled laughing down the hall.

The room suddenly darkened, and I turned to the windows, the wind was thick, the sky now dark. Panicked, I turned back to the house searching for Ally.

The furniture gone…the walls blackened and ash covered. The smoke lingered, as I raised my sight up the dark threatening sky. The roof gone, and the thunder rolled thru the darkness. I stood paralyzed.

“Ally!” I screamed out and again…my cry would go UN answered.

The pain and weight on my chest, was unbearable, and I dropped to the floor closing my eyes.

Ally….

Her name lingered around me. Both the weight of my grief, and the emptiness that consumed my heart was as thick as the blacken ash settling on my skin.

**********





“Lillian!” a male voice pulled me from the ashes… “Lillian wake up!”

My eyes were heavy and the tears pooling; I had to blink a few time to clear my vision. Trying to focus, I was greeted by a man’s bare chest, as I was being held into it. Heavy arms held me firm.

“Lillian it’s just a dream, your safe…I have you!” He kissed the top of my head and my internal alarms began to yell at me.

I knew that voice, and I knew that English accent.

Sebastian…but how?

Pulling up from him, he released his hold and his hand at the nape of my neck. I watched as he laid his body back down to the bed.

Oh, shit!

Looking down at him and his bare chest…I tensed and looked to myself…I was exposed…no shirt just my bare chest and me. I raised my eyes to his. He smiled deviously, and said nothing. Finding control of my hand, I lowered it down and between my legs.

Oh, thank god. I had my underwear on. Closing my eyes, I released the air from my lungs.

“Lillian…I’m not that kind of guy.” He paused, and I opened my eyes to find him staring at me. “How are you feeling?”

My head started to throb. The ache, circling from the back to the front. I lowered my head squinting in pain. He eased me back down to his chest.

“My head?” I whispered through the pain.

“Perhaps we should take you to the ER, and have you checked out Lillian?”

“I don’t need the ER to tell I’m hung over Sebastian!” pausing, the reality of where I was hit. “How did I get here?” and why the f*ck was I naked in bed with you?

“I brought you here last night after you passed out in my arms. I didn’t know where you lived, so this made sense to me.”

Still on his chest, I realized that he and I were tangled and wrapped up in each other.

Double shit…

Moving my leg, I hit his very bare and very hard arousal.

Moving my leg, I hit his very bare and very hard arousal. Dear lord, he was completely nude under the sheets. Who does that? Closing my eyes, debating what I should do next, wasn’t an option. His arms gripped me tight.

Before I could blink, he had me on my back. Looking up at him, I knew what he wanted but his slight hesitation, made me doubt what he planned to do. His hand, tenderly moving my hair from my face and his eyes beseeching mine. Shit, he looked so different. He looked to me with such care and concern. Sebastian’s gaze implored mine, searching for a hidden answer with in me. He looked to me in want and need. But, the need was more than sex.

He lowered down and kissed my cheek then jaw. Unaware of my own body, I found my hands cautiously moving up his arms landing lightly around his neck. His hands moved slow and deliberately, just grazing my skin. Down the length of me and to my panties snaking around my back, he lifted me from the bed forcing my back to arch as he pulled my panties off and down my legs. Why the hell wasn’t I stopping him? His blue eyes, staring into mine, his expression held no malice, just a longing, pure and sober. The look in his eyes scared the shit out of me. Catching my breath his head lowered down to the side of mine and my lungs burned with the need for air. Pulling in a desperate breath, my body trembled from the pure intimacy he invoked.

His lips and tongue moved down with purpose pausing at my chest. Gingerly, his hand cupped my breast as his mouth sensually took my nipple. Teasing the bud, he sucked hard pulling. My arousal skyrocketed with each careful stroke of his tongue. The sensation relaxed my nerves instantly and pulled the desire hidden within me. Sebastian’s free hand slid down and between my legs, slowly teasing the outer edges of my bared center. Slowly he broke into the wet slits of my p-ssy, easing down into my soaked and desperate desire. With two fingers he drove inside me only to slow his actions. Shifting slowly, he was taking his time to learn my body. Locating my g-spot, he began to work me. Slow at first, with each thrust of his fingers, began to f*ck me with them, adding a third finger. Letting go my body began to respond to his movements, arching into his thrusts.

Taking me just to the edge, he removed his hand. It was as if he sensed my need to climax and just stopped. My body withered under his, needing and begging for the climax he denied.

Pausing, he was up on his knees and his hands moved slow on the outer part of my legs, lifting them up, only to part my legs fully to the bed.

A nervous tremble rolled thru me, and down to my legs. He lifted his sight to my face, and his hands moved back up the full length of me. Slow…yes he took his time with each gesture. Those eyes…those dangerously beautiful eyes had me trapped.

His body lingered between my legs, and his hand guided my hands up above my head. Fiddling and rubbing my wrist, I heard the clicks. Instinct told me to pull my hands back down…no…he handcuffed me to the bed. My eyes widened into his now grinning expression. Holly shit! He just cuffed me to the bed! Fear spiked through me, and my adrenaline flooded my veins.

“Let go Lillian…I won’t hurt you!” that seductive voice rolled over me.

Breaking my gaze from his, he lifted up from me, just enough for me to see what he was doing. My eyes traveled down the impressive body that belonged to him. F*ck, he was built! Like Charlie, he was carved to perfection, and his cock was more than impressive.

The sound of the foil packet being torn open, recognition hit, oh shit. He applied the condom…

I thought Charlie was large…Oh lord, he was huge, and this would hurt. I suddenly felt small very small, compared to his large body and arousal.

The tremble once more released from me. Raising my eyes to his…he smiled…that grin was of confidence and possibly something more.

Sebastian came down, hovering above me. My only reaction was to pull at the handcuffs that held my hands tight. For the first time I felt the fear of a man course thru me…he had control.

As if he sensed my trepidation, he lowered his head to my neck and kissed me softly moving to my jaw then paused.

“I won’t hurt you,” he repeated. Over and over. I was scared and the fear I held ran through my trembling body.

I wasn’t sure if he was referring to his size or something more…

“Lillian?” he paused as I could feel him at my entrance “I need you. I want you. I promise I won’t hurt you. Not you.” He pause and his eyes landed on mine. “Lillian?”

Deep breath in, I found my voice and responded, “Yes Sebastian?” Looking straight into his eyes, I know understood what he was waiting for.

Pushing his full size into me, Sebastian’s hands held my hips firm, forcing me still, as his entrance burned with an exquisite pain. There was nothing gentle about his entrance, as he pushed fully, until he couldn’t get any further inside.

His size had pulled me, filled me. The burn of his retreat was oddly ecstasy, and my body was betraying me. My breath labored, my heart erratic, as he lifted up from me gripping my hips and ass off the bed, with in his hold. Now, I understood the need for the handcuffs.

They held me taut, as his thrust dove fully and deep into me. Over and over. I thought he meant to break me. My body dove into the now blossoming climax…oh yes, he was working me over and into a blazing heat.

Having sensed it earlier, Sebastian was a man of control, complete control. His idea of f*cking was hard and consuming. Wanting to shut down, I couldn’t, each thrust pulled me further into an ecstasy that shouldn’t be there. Yet, he wielded the desire and controlled every ounce of it.

Yes, I moaned …his length pounded hard and harder…His breath labored and his body was close, so deliciously close, when he flipped me over and took me from behind. Grabbing at my breast, his thrust felt harder, possibly deeper than before. My climax hit unexpectedly, as I wasn’t sure if it was the fear or lack of control that brought me undone. My body clenched down around his hard cock. He was so deep, thrusting hard and wild. He was consuming and deliberate at the same time. Dear lord, I spent already and yet, my body yearned for more of his assault.

“Jesus…”He roared “Lillian your body…” his words dropped off, as he pulled fully from me. “I hate these things. Please tell me your on birth control?” He demanded.

“Yes, but don’t cum inside me please.” Why I begged for that I was unsure, I just did.

I heard him rip the condom off, reentered me without the barrier that had been there previously. He returned fully and raw.

F*ck me; his reentrance brought an instant climax.

This is what he wanted and needed. His thrusts increased and the tension running thru him was invading me.

Oh lord…I came and hard. My body clamped down so hard, I didn’t think it was possible.

He fully tensed, and pulled from me, spilling on my back.

With his full release, my body fell limp to the bed. My hips felt like they were dislocated.

I couldn’t move. The bed shifted as he wiped his orgasm off my back then unlocked the cuffs.

Burying my head into the pillow, I didn’t have the strength to move let alone talk. I felt him shift off the bed.

F*ck, I was sore and fully unhinged.

Shaking my head…I didn’t understand, how I got here…how I was in his bed, let alone, what just happened. My mind turned back to last night, and the anxiety followed…visions of blood…Brady…oh shit. My breathing increased. I felt like I was suffocating. Unable to move, I was panicking, my heart racing erratically…Sebastian lifted me up off the bed and into his arms. I couldn’t breathe…Sam!…I rasped, and the tears burned in my eyes.

“Breathe Lillian!” He commanded “Breathe!”

I shook, and my body trembled.

“Sam’s ok…she pulled through…now breathe Lillian!” His voice was controlled yet demanding.

I felt him carry me up into his arms. Before I knew it, I felt the warmth of the water cascade all around me. Finally, I sucked in a deep breath my lungs burned.

“That a girl…slow deep breathes.”

Slowly, he allowed my feet to touch the floor of the shower, but still held me to him. Tenderly he kissed my head running his hands thru my hair.

“She’s fine…the bullet went through her side…she’s ok, and the doctors assured me that there was no damage to her Lillian. Your friend has been at her side all night and day.”

“Day?” I looked up into his eyes through a blurred vision of mine. The tears burned in my eyes, threatening to take control of me.

“Yes Lillian…its 5 in the evening…you slept all day. I was afraid to leave you, so I stayed with you in bed, making sure you were ok.”

“All day?” the question was more for me then him.

“I sensed you just needed sleep, as you were talking the entire time.”

Oh, shit…that’s right, I talk in my sleep.

“Lillian?”

“Yes?” I looked up to him.

“What happened to you?” His expression was of concern and his eyes held a tenderness that I wasn’t expecting.

“I don’t understand your question?” I whispered.

“You have all the signs of PTDS…” he paused looking down to me. “Who’s Ally?”

This line of questioning was too personal, and not something, I wanted to discuss with him. The defensive need to find all control came at me like a ton of bricks. How did I let my guards down? Reprising myself discipline, I reigned in my famous control. Walls, erected once more.

“Nothing happened to me Sebastian.” My voice, stern and cold.

“Lillian, please talk to me?”

“I don’t know you Sebastian, and this is not your concern; what did or did not happen to me, is not any of your business, nor do I wish to discuss it with someone I don’t plan on seeing again.”

He slighted his head to the side and his eyes looked tenderly down at me.

The look on his face looked disappointed, but almost understanding. Nope, not going there, the walls flew up again. Damn, I had to battle myself to keep them up. I didn’t know him and the idea of discussing my demons with him was not an option.

“Sebastian, honestly, I was just another conquest for you, I highly doubt that there would be much more to this.” I offered coolly and stern moving my body out from his hold.

Looking down to the floor of the shower, I knew he understood my words…even more I understood them.

I was indeed a conquest and nothing more. I backed up and turned from him.

“Lillian don’t go”, he sighed. A moment of hesitation, I paused to the plea. No, can’t do this. He’s going to hurt me. I know his type and I know his motives, regardless of what his eyes say, he is cold and calculating. This is a game to him, one that I entered into. A game I’m not willing to lose myself to.

“I don’t want to play this game…I’m tired Sebastian and see no need in it!” I gritted out in anger.

I stepped from the shower and grabbed the towel. Not bothering to turn, I knew he followed me out.

“You’re not a conquest Lillian…you are more,” he offered.

“More…ugh” I smirked, who the f*ck did he think he was toying with? I’m not some dumb ho. I know all too well the type of game he was playing and I wasn’t about to let one brick of my wall crumble. “But aren’t we all just another conquest to validate control…was that not what you had done earlier, and last night…exert your control over me?” I laughed and walked from the enormous bathroom.

Looking around the room, I didn’t know where my clothes were.

I turned back to him and his eyes were so somber, as if the words registered. He looked to me with recognition. A recognition that almost froze me. Oh shit, he looked at me with a strange recognition, this wasn’t good. He bit his bottom lip, looking to me in a way I could only describe as acknowledgment.

He walked towards me, and swiftly positioned his hand at the nape of my neck forcing me to his stare. I knew I was in trouble. F*ck, over my head completely with this one.

He leaned down cautiously, and paused…I knew he was about to kiss me, and I turned my head and his lips landed on my cheek.

Feeling his breath on me, he whispered, “Who broke you? Who hurt you that you’re this guarded?”

Releasing a sigh, I shocked myself. “A man like yourself…but he didn’t break me Sebastian…That’s where you’re mistaken!” Visions of Lucian circled my mind again. F*ck, this was the second time with in the past day and a half that he surfaced in my head. My demon, my past. I need to free myself and quickly.

He moved and looked cautiously down at me.

“He will never break me Sebastian…No man ever will. You can take what you want of me and from me but you will never have me…that is was he taught me.” Lucian was the hardest lesson in life that I was taught. Looking to Sebastian, he partly reminded me of my demon, my Lucian.

“What does that leave you with Lillian? What about love? Do you want that in your life? Will you keep yourself that guarded?” Yeah, absolutely! If he only knew the truth. Love was a weakness that I was not about to let take me. I had plans and love was not part of it. Not with Sebastian Vaihn or any man!

“I had love, enough to hold on too for an eternity…”

Ally suddenly appeared in my mind…she was my heart and I would not fail her or me.

“I feel for you Lillian…the best part of life is Love!” Sorrow and pity laced his expression. Two things I don’t ever wallow in. Hell no. I made choice, and with those choices came responsibility.

“Don’t” I offered in a clipped tone. “…I certainly don’t feel sorry for myself…I like who I am Sebastian, most can’t honestly say that, and I doubt you could truly say it!” I glared at him seeing the man whom stood before me. The façade wasn’t lost on me. I knew who Sebastian Vaihn was and I wasn’t about to let him break my resolve.

“Perhaps you are right, but Lillian, at least I allow myself to feel. You on the other hand, do not. That is why you won’t allow a man to kiss you…you fear it.” He paused pulling me to him. “You fear it because it may cause you to finally feel something”

He leaned down, holding his lips so close to mine. I had to fight to keep my nerves in check.

“I won’t kiss you Lillian…but I’m right”

He moved away from me and let me go.

“There’s a change of clothes on the chair for you. I guessed on the sizes hopefully they fit.” His voice was clipped and angry.

“Thank you for the clothes.” I reigned in my frustration from this standoff. That’s exactly what it was, a standoff.

He walked back to the bathroom, and I finally felt control over my body. Walking to the chair, I pulled out the jeans white blouse, and flip-flops. Hmm, no bra or under wear…I guess it didn’t matter.

I dressed quickly, as he reentered the room. He went for the closet, and I knew he too would be dressing. I left the room, and entered the suite. This was the penthouse at the Hyatt in down town. The view gave it away. Sitting high above the harbor.

I walked to the window and stared out to the evening sun now setting.

Sebastian’s arms swiftly came around me, as he leaned into me kissing my head. His arms around me teased the need, the longing I buried. The longing to allow myself to be held, to feel secure in that hold.

“You were not a conquest Lillian…I want to know you…I want you to know me”, he paused “You are more than I suspected you could be to me…try for me, try to let go and give yourself a chance. Let me show you what you’re guarding yourself from…what you heart is missing.” He pleaded.

“Why would you ask this of me…you don’t know me…you know nothing of me. I’m not worth the energy you would need to commit to me. You’re right, perhaps, I am broken…and I don’t need you to fix me. I could never be what you want me to be. I tried my hand at a relationship once, I brought him nothing but heart break Sebastian…to this day, I see it in his eyes…You don’t understand what you would be asking of me or what it will do to you.” All the lies and the past flooded me. He has no clue nor would he be ok with any of it. This was a game to him. If he for a moment understood the truth of who I was and what my past was, there would be no way he would want anything to do with me.

“I want a chance Lillian…I want you to give yourself a chance. We would be perfect for each other…I sense it …don’t you? This is more than just an attraction and you know it.”

“I need to go Sebastian, you don’t know me. Trust me, if you truly did, you would run.”

“Please …just try,” he implored. His voice beseeching me. Geez. He just didn’t get it. Or perhaps he did.

“Sebastian…don’t play games with me…I’ve already had the pleasure of understanding how you operate…you had me in your bed, let that be enough.”

He released me, and I turned pausing just a moment looking up into his blue eyes as he offered me a crooked smile. I walked from him noticing my clutch and a bag with my clothes from last night. I reached down, picked up my belongings, and headed for the door.

“Yes, I did have you in my bed”, His voice rang through me. “I intend on having you there again, and next time it will be because you belong there with me…I want you Lillian…all of you!”

“That’s a nice dream Sebastian…I’m no ones to be had…You will never have all of me for my heart is buried in a grave where is will wait for me to join.” I opened the door and walked out from his suite.

Down the hall, I waited patiently for the elevator. Blindly, I entered it, when the scent caught my attention…the cologne. One name hit my mind.

Charlie!

The elevator was empty, as it ushered me down to the lobby. Exiting, I walked thru and hailed a cab. I needed to get to the hospital. I need to check on Sam.

The ride seemed longer than I thought my mind stuck on every word Sebastian spoke. I shook my head…He got me to open up more than I thought I would ever allow. However, Brady’s warning registered…Sebastian knew how to f*ck with a woman’s mind. That’s precisely what he was doing…f*cking with my mind.

Broken…he said I was broken…I laughed to the thought. I was not broken…I was resolved in a purpose, a promise I made. F*cked up perhaps? Yes, I was f*cked up, however, if anyone had my experiences to deal with, they would be broken, me, nope; I suppose I was built for this life. I had lived through so much already. Not broken, just a survivor in my opinion.

Ally…I failed her once…now I wouldn’t make that mistake again. My resolve was firm and I will be damned if I failed her again.