Holt's Holding (Part One)

chapter 5



The day seemed to be flittering away quick. I had met Brady, and then set off for a lunch date with Chris. We needed to set some boundaries in my opinion. I couldn’t allow him to get any hopes up.

I took the afternoon to pamper myself; Mani, Pedi and of course a waxing. My body now smooth and perfectly groomed, I was without a doubt sated today. Parking the car in the garage and walking to the elevator, knowing I only had an hour left to shower to ready myself. I had promised Sam, that I would meet her for dinner, and a few drinks, before we headed to Mosaic. This in my opinion had been a perfect day. My mind was still debating the entire idea of performing tonight. Shit, I needed that release, the loss in music. F*ck.

Finally, in the apartment it looked quiet. I supposed Charlie had gone out, since it didn’t appear that he was here.

Placing my bag on the counter, I pulled my phone from it and headed to my room.

Into my bathroom, I started the shower and placed the cell down. I stripped off my clothes and left them on the floor of my room.

Knowing the apartment was empty; I fired up the Bose with my iPod already on the stand and turned it on loud enough so I could hear it in the shower.

Back into the bathroom, I eagerly jumped into the shower, which was surprisingly already hot. Thank god for little miracles.

Heaven…the heat of the water cascading down my body was a little piece of ecstasy. Yes, what a wonderfully perfect day it had been. I was now very ready to have a follow up this evening. I loved the friends I had, and loved being young with no attachments.

Titanium…blasted thru the speakers…what a perfect song. Lost in my private heaven, I sang and danced in the shower, while I lathered rinsed, then repeated with my hair.

Indeed, I was having more fun in the shower than I should. But, who gives a shit. I could have stayed here all night, but the water was gradually losing its heat, and I was starting to prune.

Stepping from my little oasis, I reached for the towel and dried my body off. Pulling for the robe, I wrapped myself and began to dry off all my thick hair.

The music, in tune to my mood. I reached for my phone and sent a quick text to Corey, with a simple yes.

I began my normal ritual of lotions then makeup. It was Friday night, so the smoky and sultry application around my eyes, was necessary in my opinion.

Looking to the mirror at myself, I paused…the song was my pause. “The Scientist” now streamed thru the Bose…

The song always took me somewhere unfamiliar…a place where my emotions were raw and reeling. It was a place, I tried to keep hidden.

I stared into the mirror, pausing, fighting the urges of where my mind and heart were being lured to. I couldn’t afford that hidden place within me. Though, I appeared to be staring at my reflection my eyes only saw flames and blacken smoke all around me. My breathing became shallow as if I couldn’t get my lungs to take the air, they so desperately needed.

My head spinning, as my limbs felt heavy and weak, unable to hold myself up. A full-blown panic attack, my vision became tunneled and the room was spinning around me, the heat enveloping every surface of my skin.

Shit …I couldn’t shake it off…I couldn’t convince my mind that this was nothing more than a panic attack. I could feel the weight of my body losing. I was about to blackout and the tile floor was going to hurt, when my body races to greet it.

Without a second more, everything went black.

“Lillian!” the voice sounded watered.

“Lillian.” the voice now clearing.

“Lillian dear? Are you ok?” the voice, familiar, warm and inviting. I was coming to.

The scent of his cologne, wrapped my like a familiar blanket. In his arms, I could feel his chest against my cheek and his hand in my hair. His touch was tender.

I opened my eyes to confirm, what I already knew…his green eyes staring down at me.

Shit, this was embarrassing. I steadied myself and sat up. Inspecting and mentally searching, I was not sore anywhere; which meant I didn’t hit the floor. I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Lillian…are you ok?” his voice was concerned.

Shaking my head, I looked to him and cocked my head. How?…Where did he come from? It was clear that had it not been for him, I would have hit the floor, and hard.

“I’m fine…How? Were you here this entire time?” Looking to him confused, he must have been in the apartment.

“Yes, I was in the shower and heard your music. I had come in just as you were about to fall and caught you. You didn’t hear me call your name?”

“No…” I must have been too far into the panic attack to notice him here.

“What happened?” He looked to me very concerned

“Nothing…I’m fine” I moved myself out of his hold on the floor, and lifted myself to my feet. My head was still light and dizzy; I gripped the counter for support. He was quick to follow me up, and his hands swiftly around my waist, steadying me.

“Perhaps you should cancel your plans this evening and stay in.”

I looked up to him…was he nuts? It was Friday and my occasional fainting spells, were not keeping me in. Plus I had made a commitment to Corey. I wasn’t about breaking any commitment.

“Honestly, I’m fine…this isn’t a big deal at all.” I offered coolly.

“You pretty much would have busted your ass on the tile floor, if not worse, had I not caught you.” He looked to me for an answer, one, which I would not give.

Returning my gaze to my reflection, I shook my head and closed my eyes searching for my center…my balance. What he was thinking? I had no clue. His hands quick and strong had me up off my feet, and cradled in his arms.

“What are you doing?” He said nothing, walked me in his arms, and dropped me to my bed.

“You need to lay down…rest a bit,” He ordered.

Was he out of his f*cking mind?

I frowned looking at him my expression said it all. He walked around to the end of the bed as, I tried to sit up. Looking at him, he was only wearing a pair of drawstring pants that hung low and his chest was perfectly sculpted, ribbons of muscle, hard and tempting. My eyes landed down low, just at the little trail leading to his wonderful size.

His hands grabbed my ankles and jerked my body, forcing my back to hit the bed.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I breathed, stunned to his aggression.

“If you won’t rest, I’ll give you a reason too!” His expression, full of promise, the threat palpable. Charlie’s knee came up on the bed then his hands. Moving over my body, he had me trapped. The mere size of him made me feel small and vulnerable. He shifted slightly, as his eyes moved down me, stopping at the belt tying my robe.

His head lingering, his eyes hungry found mine; it was almost as if he was looking for a sign or clue giving him permission…no, strike that, he wasn’t asking for permission, he was taking and exerting his control.

He broke his stare and lowered down to my center. In his usual speed he had my rob undone and falling to the bed.

I was perfectly exposed, as he offered a wicked grin. With urgency, his lips fell to my abdomen and began their tender and erotic exploration, sparking my desire.

His lips and tongue were a perfect mix lowering down then slightly pausing. He was perfectly centered between my legs as his tongue went down and teased my now heated desire. His mouth was working its genius on my heated desire, taking me into a full blaze. His tongue licking, circling then finally penetrating me.

“Oh, Lord”…I yelled, as my back arched up off the bed. My hands above my head gripping the headboard my body quickly tensed all around with my climax fully reached. Shit, he was very gifted. Second time today he had me completely abandon all sense of reason.

My breathing labored, I felt him move from my center.

I closed my eyes in ecstasy. The bed shifted from his weight.

Opening my eyes, I looked up at him. He was again grinning. Dropping my sight lower, he was pulling the drawstring of his pants, dropping them to the floor, as the full length of his arousal sprung free. His naked body was pure perfection. Golden skin, sculpted muscle, and that erection! He was f*cking beautiful, and sex oozed off him. My body in response ached with urgency. The need to feel him deep inside me had my breathing labored in need.

The bed sitting at a perfect height, he pulled me down spreading my legs, as he positioned himself. Holding with one arm, he leaned down into me.

His eyes dark and hungry had me trapped.

Biting my lip, I knew what came next.

His free hand held his cock, rubbing teasingly at my now sore and sensitive core. I was more than overcome with the desire to have him in me once more.

While staring into my eyes he slammed his full girth and length into me with one motion.

His full entrance sent shock waves through my body.

I had to gasp for a breath with his assault. In my shock, his lips landed on mine.

Shit no…I was game for a lot of things, but not his lips on mine. I pulled my head away from his forcing him to my neck. My body fully tensed and a panic seemed to follow.

Feeling my tension, his hand fell to my face and his movements paused. Forcing me to face him, his eyes were wide and confused.

“No!” the word was quick and easy my eyes wide beseeching his confusion.

“I’m sorry?” he paused looking quizzically down at me. “I thought you were …I thought we were on the same page…would you like me to stop?”

“We are or were…” I paused. “No, I don’t want you to stop…I just I don’t do the kissing thing.”

“Ok?” He looked confused, but pulled slightly out to push back in.

His thrusts returned, slowly, then increased once more. Lifting his body off mine, his hands landed at my hips forcing me to take more. My back arching with his will and hips circling into him with each thrust. The more I circle, the more he tensed.

Gripping at my sheets, I was about to come and quick…the thrust full and to the hilt of him we found our release together. His hot and sweaty body fell to mine, as he remained position within me.

I wrapped my heavy legs around his waist holding him to me as his head lay on my chest.

“Lillian?”

“Yes Charlie?”

“I’m sorry about the kiss, I didn’t know…last night” he paused.

Last night…his words had me reeling through my memories…what was he referring to?

“Charlie…not that I want to explain, but I just don’t. Kissing is intimate, and what we are doing is nothing more than f*cking.”

“You allowed me to kiss you last night?” His eyes on mine looked worried and confused.

“What are you talking about Charlie?” My body tensed the dream…oh shit! it wasn’t a dream…it was his orgasm seeping from me this morning…

Oh shit!!

He lifted slightly up and raised an eyebrow. “You don’t remember last night do you?” he shook his head. “Shit Lillian. Here I just f*cked you this morning in the kitchen thinking it was ok, based on last night…I thought it was just another go round. Shit, you really don’t remember?” he shook his head in frustration.

I looked to his shocked confession, shaking my head from side to side. Grinning, “I was very drunk last night Charlie. I honestly came home forgetting you were even here.” I paused and tried to offer some assurance that it wasn’t all that bad. “I thought I had a really …really good dream. I was horny last night, but I knew I was too drunk for anything, so I made sure I came home and alone.” I found myself amused.

He was still shocked, absorbing my words as he lifted off me, pulling himself free from my center. The moment he left my body, I suddenly felt empty and missing his body in mine. This was f*cked up to say the least.

I watched him as he appeared frustrated, and pulled his pants on. I didn’t understand what had him all flustered.

“You’re on birth control…please tell me you are?” he perched his hands on his hips looking to the ground. Wow, he looked like he had just paled several shades.

“Yes, not that you had the sense to ask earlier. Most men at least ask before they spill into a woman Charlie!” Ok, I was acting a bit like a bitch, but it was true. You don’t just spill into a woman without asking.

“Normally, I would. Nor do I have sex with a woman raw…” he offered annoyed with himself.

“Nor do I Charlie. I was a bit surprised this morning to what I thought might have been…well, clearly was.” I sat up and wrapped my robe. “I was sure there was no possible way. I thought it was no more than my drunk and stooper dreaming. You are or were an off Limit. And, I’m very committed to my off limits Charlie…however, I have no explanation for last night. I know I came to bed and my bed alone.” I emphasized the alone part. Looking up at him, his expression changed, boasting a devious grin.

“You are correct. I fear this may have been completely my fault.” He looked to me still grinning. That devious look in his eyes, said it all. He wasn’t in the least upset. If anything he almost looked proud.

“How so?” I was really interested in what he had to say.

He sat down on the edge of my bed and looked to the floor.

“Last night, the bartender…well, I thought her to be what you refer to as a “one Nighter”, we both dropped some ecstasy. By the time, we got back here. I had taken a phone call and she headed for the room. When I was done, I forgot which room was which and followed the trail of clothing thinking it was hers.” Pausing he breathed in and laughed, shaking his head “Did you know you talk in your sleep?” Charlie rose a brow in the sexiest manor. Grinning he waited on my response.

“Nope…I didn’t as I wouldn’t have ever had anyone to witness it. I don’t allow for anyone to sleep with me…you know what I mean.”

“Yes, I do understand, better than you think. Anyway, I crawled into bed with you thinking it was she. I was a bit disappointed as I thought she had passed out. I was about to just move to the sofa when you called my name. Then you snaked yourself up on me. I thought you were awake…well at first I thought you were not, but you said my name again and I was sure you had woken up. Your eyes were wide open.” He closed his eyes as if he was remembering, “Honestly, I was a bit shocked knowing it was you. I mean f*ck your Julie’s roommate! I promised her I wouldn’t touch you.” He laughed.

“I’m sorry I don’t remember...Well, maybe parts of it, but I don’t remember. I thought it was a drunken dream.” I laughed at how obscured I sounded right now.

“I thought the sex was amazing…Lillian you are one very talented woman in bed!” He grinned. “You were insatiable last night. I thought you would never fall asleep…and don’t doubt that I was all about keeping up. I, however, woke up this morning in your bed, which is something I never do. I left when my phone rang knowing you probably needed the sleep, or what little you would have. I heard your alarm go off a few minutes later. I wasn’t sure what the conversation would be this morning, and well, the way you acted? I thought that we were both on the same page.” He paused then turned to me, as I was quiet and listening to his version of the events.

“When you came out this morning getting dressed, I thought you knew the door was open; that you remembered what had happened. Shit, Lillian, I would never be so brass, to just drop my hand into a woman’s undergarments! If I hadn’t already been there once before. I’m sorry what I did this morning with you not remembering…- wow I’m sorry.” He looked bewildered, but the more I appraised him, Charlie also looked like someone who was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Hell, if I didn’t know any better, he looked proud of that fact.

Biting my lip, I didn’t know what to really think about it. My perfect fantasy was reality. It had happened. How did I feel about it? I had no clue. Looking at him and the grin plastered on his face, I smiled.

“Well, I rather enjoyed what happened in the kitchen Charlie, and would have stopped you otherwise.” I paused and moved up behind him lowering my head to his shoulder. “Don’t worry yourself about it. But, since we both seem to one, have limits or rules I think we need to be a little clearer to what they are.”

“Agreed” he was quick in his response

“Good…with that we are at least understood that whatever… this is …well is just f*cking?” Please, please let him be of the same mind.

“You are a rare creature Lillian, and yes, this is just f*cking as you put it.” I wanted to believe his statement, yet that inner voice wasn’t having it. Trying to shut it down, I needed to believe him. For my sake, I suppose.

“Oh, thank god,” I breathed out. Moving from the bed to the bathroom, I applied some hair product into my hair. I felt a bit out of sorts. I knew he stood watching. Catching his eyes in the mirror, his eyes held something more to them. Don’t go there! I told myself. I dropped my eyes from his, looking at myself fin the mirror. Shit, I looked like a woman whom was just f*ck and well.

The sound of his phone ringing had him finally leaving. Laughing, I continued getting ready. My hair was wild and untamed matching who I was at that moment. The look I was going for was mysterious. I had achieved what I wanted to show. It was like wearing my soul on the outside…dark untamed and a full-blown mystery.

Walking from the bathroom, I pulled out a pair of underwear, then quickly stepped into them. I dropped the robe off on the floor, knowing my door was open. At this point, it no longer mattered. He had seen all there was to see.

Physically that is.

Entering my closet, I knew what I planned on wearing and a bra wouldn’t be necessary. Pulling the dress on I reached for the box that held my thigh high boots. These were a bit different as the felt more like stockings and laced up the back. Black was definitely the theme for me tonight.

The dress was silk and short. The front of it was almost like a wrap and its V-neck exposing me down to my naval. It was loose and some nicely placed fashion tape would be needed to keep the girls covered.

I grabbed a small clutch from the shelf and walked from my room turning off the lights. Opening the clutch, I had thrown my cell phone in and walked to the kitchen. I went thru my wallet and pulled idea some cash and my credit card. That would be all that I needed. My phone started buzzing. Sam was calling.

“He lovee…I’m heading out now.”

“Oh good. Where do you want to meet?” Sam sounded eager and excited.

“We can have dinner at Ruth Chris. It’s in the circle so there shouldn’t be an issue as far as walking is concerned.”

“That sounds great. So how did you like your day off?” she asked

Turning, I spotted Charlie and he was dressed to kill. Damn that man was attractive.

“I would have to say it’s been an amazing day Sam.”

I smiled to him as he matched my expression, knowing I was referring to him.

“See you in twenty.”

“Sounds good Sam”. I ended the call still staring at him.

He was dress in a pair of black slacks and fitted black t-shirt. It was simple, but he looked amazing.

Lord help me! I found this man to be like my personal brand of heroin.

He walked to me, stopping in front of me. I fumbled putting my phone in the clutch dropping the bag as my heart was racing.

What was he doing to me? My skin heated and that damn need returned.

Watching him carefully, he bent down and picked it up. His eyes landing on the condom, he paused and his eyes rose appraising every inch from my boots, thighs, only to stay at my exposed chest. He looked back to the condom, and cocked his head returning it to much clutch.

My breath hitched, as he looked at me. The way his eyes landed on mine, I suddenly felt like a girlfriend, caught cheating on her boyfriend.

Whoa, that’s a first.

I smiled trying to change the mood. He looked as if he was about to say something.

F*ck me, I felt guilty for having the damn thing.

His fingers on my naval were deliberate and raised the length of me pausing in between my breast. Charlie was quick and his hand gripping my breast hard, almost painful. The other hand dropped the clutch on the counter and grabbed the back of neck sliding into my hair forcing me to look completely into his face.

My nerves heightened, he looked as if he was coming in for a kiss. His eyes fixed at my lips; I knew he wanted to kiss me. His hand moved from my neck slowly to the side of my jaw as his thumb rubbed it tenderly moving to my lips landing just at the center he slowly inserted it into my mouth, and I sucked it slowly never releasing my stare.

He sighed and pulled his thumb slow from my lips. “I want to feel your lips on mine again. Your kiss is like a drug, and I want more.” Those green eyes of his, dark and hungry. Again, my breath hitched.

“I can’t give you what you ask Charlie…please don’t.” His eyes met mine. He looked like he was in a painful need. A need, I was emotional unable to give. If I did, it would be my downfall.

I was too far in and close to losing all control. I couldn’t have it. This was not an option for me. The stakes… too high.

“You look sinful. You are fortunate that all we are is f*cking. For if, you were mine I wouldn’t let you leave this apartment dressed like that. You’re asking to be f*cked you know that?”

“Well, I might be invoking that, but I have no intentions this evening to oblige anyone. Like I said, I have rules and limits. I never f*ck more than one person at any given time. Moreover, since you’ve already insured that I was f*cked, and well I’ll add. I have no need for it this evening. However, the venue I’m headed to, my choice of attire is suited. I’m preforming tonight, so this is very appropriate Charlie.”

He paused taking in my words, but I knew his head was still fixed on the condom in my purse.

Cocking his head, he looked back to the condom. “What’s the protection for then?”

“Charlie, I always have protection, regardless of my intent. You, of all people should appreciate that.”

“Point taken,” Grinning a sadistic smile “Perhaps I should make my point clearer”.

“And which point are you trying to make Charlie”

His eyes grew dark and dangerous. I knew I was in trouble.

As fast as I could blink, Charlie had me turned around, and my back pushed up on hall wall. My legs wrapped around him, he ripped my underwear off in one forceful pull and unzipped his pants.

Fevered and completely wild, he penetrated me with all his force.

Pounding hard, his lips at my jaw, one hand holding my ass, the other still in my hair; I could feel the force of his hand turning my head to him. His lips desperate for mine searching to fill the need.

I shook my head away from his.

After a few attempts, he gave up trying to kiss me.

His thrusts consumed in need. I was so close, holding him firm, the tremble shot through me, as I found my climax hard. Too damn easily. What the hell was his hold over my body? He knew my body’s needs, too well. Breathing hard, I found myself locked in his eyes, his thrusts continued. Charlie’s body tensed, as he pushed hard one last time spilling his orgasm deep in me. Our eyes locked, as the sensation of his cock jerked deep inside me. Something clicked in my head and my heart. F*ck. No, this can’t happen and not with him!

I knew all too well, what this was about.

This was a man marking his territory.

But, why the sudden need?

Breathing hard, he lowered his forehead to mine. “Have I made my point clear?” he breathed out in a labored and strained voice.

“If I didn’t know any better, you just marked your territory Charlie.” I breathed, closing my eyes. F*ck, he did more than mark me. I felt branded. Shit, I was in big trouble.

“Precisely!”

“Charlie…I will never belong to anyone. I am not property and if you keep this up then we won’t be doing this much longer.” The need to fight for control, to fight for my freedom suddenly formed.

“Lillian you are …” He breathed in deep, lifting his head from mine, I sense his body tense and the sorrow suddenly filled his body language. “You’re right. I’m not the commitment type. I will f*ck another, regardless of how much I want you. I’m a f*cked up man who’s caught up with a past that will forever bind me.”

I let out a breath as he pulled from me and lowered my legs to the ground. For some reason I felt disappointed. Now, I was the hypocrite. For his words mimicked my own thoughts. He and I were mirror images of the other. This meant we would both hurt the other in the end.

“You and are a lot alike Lillian, the truth is I’ll hurt you in the end, for I could never give you what I’ve lost.”

What he lost? Trying to understand I realized he was right we were a like. The past, funny how he’s trapped in his, as I am in mine.

With that now understood. I knew this would be the last time he and I would have sex.

OFF Limits circled my head with alarm bells going off.

My expression lowered to the side, staring at the floor below as he stepped away from me. He kissed me on my forehead and I didn’t even flinch. I was familiar with this act. Chris always kissed me on my forehead. He did it knowingly that there was nothing more to be had between us. I shook my head and shut whatever emotions were trying to surface.

His hand was under my chin and forced my face to his. Looking at him his eyes gave it away. He knew.

“You remind me so much of her. It’s something in your eyes, the way you look at me. I’m sorry Lillian.”

Backing away from me, he released his hand and looked to the ground.

He shook his head and fixed my dress. Walking around him, I reached for my clutch, then to my room grabbing another pair of panties, and put them on. Returning to the kitchen, he stood with his hands firm on the counter staring out thru the living room and to the windows.

Saying nothing, I walked by him and for the door.

“Good night Lillian” he offered in cool tone

Pausing at the door, I could not afford myself a look back to him. So in a somber tone if Offered…“Good night Charlie.”

I walked thru the door and closed it behind me.

Standing in the hall, I didn’t know why I felt like I was so close to breaking. Thinking of his words, Charlie Vaihn had been in love once. Someone from his past held his heart. I understood that well. In my case, I was too young when it happened for ever tainting me. I still held on to the visions of that man.