Hollow (Perfect Little Pieces)

chapter Eleven





“How are you getting along with your new roommate?” Dr. Polanski asked the following morning as she sat down in the seat across from me and smiled.

I shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”

“You two hitting it off?”

“I suppose. We went to Tai Chi together, but she doesn’t talk much. She cries a lot, too.”

Dr. Polanski smiled. “You did too when you first came here, if you remember.”

I did remember. If it wasn’t for Jayden, I’d probably still be a sobbing mute. “Are you saying that I need to bring her out of her shell?”

“No, no, that’s not your responsibility. Iris needs to work through her own issues and come out of her shell on her own.” She tilted her head to the side and tapped her pencil against her lips. “You two have a lot in common, you know. That’s part of the reason why we placed her in your room.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Iris has been struggling with her past as well. She has problems with her over-controlling parents.”

I curled my feet underneath me in the large easy chair. “My parents aren’t controlling.”

Dr. Polanski raised her brows. “No?”

“No. They’re manipulative.”

Dr. Polanski chuckled. “So they try to run your life, do they?”

I thought back to my mother’s last visit. “Yes. It’s more my mother than my father.” I sighed. “I can’t help shaking the feeling that she’s disappointed in me.”

“Disappointed? How?”

I sighed and wrapped my arms around my middle. “My mother was the valedictorian of her class in law school. While studying, she met Ingrid and joined her organization.”

Dr. Polanski leaned forward. “Ingrid?”

“Yeah, Ingrid Newkirk.”

“The founder of PETA?”

Just my luck. Another animal-lover. “Yeah, one of them. My mother was fascinated with the Silver Springs case. They became great friends.” I waved my hand in the air between us. “My parents started helping Ingrid, but then moved on to their own pet projects.”

“I see.” Dr. Polanski sat back in her chair. “And how does all of this make you feel?”

I thought for a moment. “Insignificant. My mom expects me to follow in her footsteps.”

“Is that what you want? To follow in her footsteps?”

“No.”

“Well, what do you want to do with your life, then?”

I shook my head. “My mom would never even consider me doing something other than helping animals.”

“But this isn’t your mother’s life, is it?”

I stared at the doctor as she lifted her brows. She was right. I didn’t have to live my life to please my mother. I never did.

The doctor tapped her pencil against her lips once more. “Perhaps we should think about this for a few days.” She put her pencil and pad of paper aside. “There is a big world out there, Lucy. While taking care of animals is a noble thing, it isn’t the only thing. Perhaps you should think about what it is you want to do with your life.”

The rest of the one-on-one therapy session went by in a blur as I kept rolling the new realization over in my head. I could do anything I wanted. Anything at all.

What was it that I wanted to do? Why did I never consider my options before?

My mother never gave me a chance to think about it, that was why. She scheduled every hour of every day with extra-curricular activities. I never got time to just hang out and have fun. As a result, I never learned what I enjoyed doing. I only learned what my mother thought were acceptable hobbies.

Then there was college. It was so liberating. For the first time in a long time, I felt as if I didn’t have to answer to my parents.

But then my mom started checking up on me and adding more and more stress to my life. By the time I met Kyle, I was at my breaking point.

Kyle had showed me that it was important to enjoy life. While my life was strict and regimented, his was carefree and fun.

Just like Jayden.

I slowed my steps back to my room as I considered the similarities. Yes, they were both full of life and both knew how to have fun, but there were differences, too. Kyle was all about over-indulgence. He lived life to the fullest and never held back anything. Jayden was more restrained, more tempered. Jayden was well aware that every action had its consequence. He had a sense of responsibility.

My temples started to ache with all of the new information. I turned into my room, thinking of nothing more than hitting the pillow and emptying my thoughts in exchange for mind-numbing sleep.

Thank goodness for antidepressants. Those little pills Dr. Polanski gave me after my session suppressed the tidal wave of emotion building inside of me. It allowed me to think. By the time Iris showed up in the room to get me for dinner, I felt almost human again.

“Where have you been?” I asked her as I brushed my hair.

She muttered something non-committal. I put down my brush and turned to face her. “Is everything all right?”

She nodded, pulling down the sleeves of her shirt and slipping her hands inside. How odd. I decided not to question it, however. Everyone here had secrets, and I knew better than anyone what it was like to carry such a burden.

“Okay, let’s go then.”

“I…”

“Come on, Iris, you can do it. It’s just the cafeteria.”

She gave me a pained expression. It made me laugh.

“I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

“I-okay.”

I opened the door for her. We walked down the hall in silence toward the dining room.

“You slept a lot today,” she observed. “You missed Rec Therapy.”

“I know.”

“Jayden asked about you.”

An ache formed in my chest. “I’ve had a lot on my mind.”

She didn’t press, and for that, I was glad. I turned over something Dr. Polanski had said earlier in my session. It wasn’t your fault. You have to learn to let go.

She was wrong—it was my fault. How could I let go when I was the one to blame?

We entered the cafeteria. Iris glanced around and mumbled something about forgetting an item in her room. Before I could stop her, she bolted. Crowds carried germs, she had said the other day after group therapy. The thought of eating in a public cafeteria turned her stomach. After a quick glance at Iris’s retreating back, I decided to let her be. She had only eaten two of her meals in the cafeteria, so her behavior wasn’t exactly out of the ordinary. The staff had brought something to her room before. They could do it again.

Should I eat dinner with Iris in my room? I was about to request it, when something caught my eye. Jayden and Flynn were sitting at a far table with Carter. All of them looked incredibly depressed. None of them saw me. It made me curious. Did something happen to Nesto? I decided to stay in the cafeteria and see if I could find out.

I started to move to the other side of the room, because I sure as hell didn’t want my heart broken twice in the same twenty-four hours, but something about Flynn and Jayden gave me pause. The normally cheery duo looked rather pathetic, almost defeated.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t really want to talk to Jayden after what he told me, but I didn’t want him to suffer, either.

In the end, I flagged down Elias, told him about Iris, and then sat by myself on the far side of the room. I was too chicken to sit next to Jayden and ask him what was wrong, but too curious to completely abandon the situation.

A plate of tacos was placed in front of me, but I didn’t feel like eating. I moved my food around on the plate and tried to push Jayden from my mind. It was difficult. At one point I looked up and caught him watching me. My skin heated and I felt a fluttering deep inside my stomach. I pushed it aside.

He’s leaving, I reminded myself. If I got too close to him, I’d only get hurt.

Dinner was almost over when a shadow fell over my table. I looked up, expecting to see Jayden. Instead, I saw Flynn. He sat in the seat next to me.

“Go talk to him, Lucy.”

“Talk to whom?”

Flynn pressed his lips together and shook his head. “Don’t play games. Not now. He’s hurting.”

I thought about our time on the roof and how he had hurt me. “Good.”

Flynn leaned back in his chair. “I’ll never understand women.” He ran his hand over his face. “Martinez woke up from his coma today.”

Martinez was in a coma? I replayed the past few days in my head and realized that Jayden had already told me this information. I had completely forgotten. I put down my fork as I realized that once again, I was too self-absorbed to pay attention to what was going on around me.

Just like my mother.

That was why Jayden wanted to take me to the roof. He was upset over his friend, and instead of comforting him, I only gave him fresh wounds.

“That’s great news.” My voice sounded as hollow and strained as I felt.

“Maybe.” Flynn leaned back in his chair. “I went to visit him. It didn’t go well. The bastard still thinks I stole a picture of his brother.”

“Did you?”

“Hell no.”

I placed my hand over Flynn’s. “I’m sorry. What happened?”

Flynn jerked his hand away. “Martinez is physically okay but lacks any real will to live. The doctors don’t know if he’ll pull through or relapse.” Flynn took in a ragged breath. “I’ve tried to get Jayden to see him, but he won’t. He says it’s because he’s too busy, but I know it’s because it’s too painful.”

“Oh.” I placed my hands in my lap.

“Jayden will be leaving soon, and then his opportunity to see Nesto will be gone.” Flynn stood. “Do us all a favor, Lucy. Cheer Jayden up then take his sorry ass down to see his best friend.”

“I can’t do that. Jayden doesn’t listen to me.”

“He listens more than you know.” Flynn glanced at the door. “I have to go. They’re bringing in those new grad students for the internship program tomorrow. Carter and I were chosen to be part of the group to break them in.” Flynn grinned. “So I better get some rest if I’m going to show them the ropes.”

I chuckled. “If you see a blonde called Mia, tell her I said hi.”

“A blonde?” He raised his brows. “Is she cute?”

“Absolutely.”

“Awesome.”

I laughed through our goodbyes and kept chuckling as he turned and left the cafeteria. Dinner was almost over. As the room emptied, I spotted Jayden once again. He was sitting alone, his tray taken away. He had his elbows on the table and his head in his hands.

I was still mad at him, but something Flynn said struck me hard. Why wouldn’t Jayden go see his friend? It made me realize that there was still a lot about him that I didn’t know.

Resolved, I got up and walked over to him. Flynn seemed to think that I could help Jayden. Maybe I could, maybe I couldn’t. I didn’t know. All I knew was that, despite what had happened on the roof, my arms still ached to hold Jayden, and I still longed to feel his body press up against mine. I wanted to soothe away his hurt, to help him heal. We only had a short time together and I wanted to make the most of it. I’d deal with the emotional fallout later.

“How’s it going?” I asked as I approached.

“Hey.” Jayden straightened in his chair as I sat down. Flynn was right, he didn’t look good. I was glad I decided to come over.

“Is there something wrong?” I asked.

He shook his head and slid his fingers through his hair. Once again, I caught a glimpse of his scar. Jayden’s rooftop confession came back to me. He was always trying to protect everyone. Could he not protect Nesto? Was that why he was upset?

“Something obviously happened,” I said.

“Yeah, someone I cared about said she never wanted to see me again.”

He looked at me with so much hurt, it brought tears to my eyes. I looked down at my lap. “Not ‘ever again.’ I just needed a break. You have to admit, it was a pretty heavy thing you laid on top of me.”

“It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.”

“I know.”

“If I could stay here, I would.”

I looked up and met his gaze. He seemed so sincere. Could he be telling the truth? “Why would you want to stay in a place as depressing as this?”

He stared at me for a long moment before responding. “I’ve been institutionalized since I was sixteen. This is all I’ve ever known.” He nodded toward the window. “Out there, nothing makes sense. In here, I understand the rules. I have friends.” He took my hand. “I have you.”

Warmth spread from the tips of my toes up to the top of my head. “You don’t mean that.”

“I do.”

“But there’s pills and schedules and bad coffee.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, there’s that. But sometimes you can go up onto the roof and escape it all.” He winked.

I refused to let him charm his way out of this one. “It isn’t like you’ll be alone. You’re going to a group home.”

“Yeah. I have a long time before I can live on my own. Since I have no family, Dr. Polanski thought that a group home would be best.”

I nodded. “When are you leaving?”

“Monday.”

“Monday?” I pulled my hand away. “You said next week.”

“It is next week.” He offered a shy grin. “It made it seem like we had more time, didn’t it?”

“We only have four days.”

“I know.” He leaned in close until his lips were right above my ear. “And I want to spend every single moment with you.”

I closed my eyes and fought the tears. He was so sweet. What was I ever going to do without him?

It was better not to think about it. I turned my head and pressed my lips against his cheek. “I want that, too.”

He eased back and leaned his forehead against mine. “Tell me about your day.”

“It was boring.”

He smiled. “I don’t care, I just want to hear your voice.”

I told him about my concerns for Iris and my one-on-one with Dr. Polanski.

“The doctor is right, you know. Some things you have no control over. You have to learn to let the past go and focus on the future. Figure out what you love to do and do it.”

“I can’t.”

He leaned back and took my hands. “You have to, if you want to get well. You want to get well, don’t you?”

I nodded.

“Then let it go.”

Tears filled my eyes. “I can’t.” I don’t want to let the past go, just like I don’t want to let you go.

“It’s hard, I know. But it’s for the best. Once you let go, you can start healing.”

But I can’t let you go. I won’t. I didn’t know when the conversation switched from being about that night to being about us, but for me, it did. I could feel the sob in my chest, rising up and threatening to swallow me whole. I couldn’t break down in front of him. Not again. So instead of replying, I decided to change the subject.

“Flynn says that Nesto is asking for you.”

Jayden sat back and frowned. “I know.”

“Why won’t you see him?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He dropped my hands.

“It can’t be that bad.”

“The last time I saw him, he called me an a*shole and never wanted to see me again.”

“It was probably the medication.”

Jayden shook his head. “No, this was different.” He sighed. “He meant it. I think that he’s trying to push everyone away from him.” He shook his head. “He said some things that hurt me pretty bad. You can’t take stuff like that back and pretend it never happened.”

“Hey,” I waited until he turned and met my gaze. “Someone told me once that you have to let things go if you want to start living.”

He smirked. “You’re quick—too quick.”

I smiled back to him. “Do you want me to go with you?”

“You’re not going to give up until I visit him, are you?”

I shook my head and stood. “Come on.”

He rose out of his chair and put his arm around me. “What am I ever going to do without you, Lucy?”

I didn’t know. More importantly, I had no idea how I was going to cope without him.