A stupid, irrational desire. But it was a desire, and I hadn’t had many of those lately.
So what did that leave? Instant incineration might be a good way to go. Fire burns away the bodies I make, and it’s certainly less messy. If I could find a rocket and sit under the jets, let the fire burn me to nothing in a split second, I would.
Drowning, maybe. Smothering, if you could smother yourself.
But not a knife. Not my own blood.
Enough, I thought. Her moans reached me from the bedroom, and I left the knife where it was. I had other work to do.
Kat
“Gavriel?”
“I like the way you say my name. Like you’re scared of me.”
“I am scared of you.”
“Silly kitten.”
He sat down on the side of the bed, completely naked except for the white towel around his waist. I hadn’t realized how much I’d been pulling on the ropes that tied my hands and feet to the bedposts while Gav had been doing…what he had been doing to me. They ached.
Now he leaned over me again, and my body quivered even without his touch. His hair was wet, dark and dripping. His chin was dark, unshaven, and his eyebrows pulled together over his light eyes.
“I don’t know how you did it, kitten.” He turned away from me, and I longed for him to come back, despite everything. The ache had not gone away. His method of torture was terrible; I wanted nothing more than for him to return between my legs, no matter how I despised him. I did not despise his tongue.
“Did what?” I asked.
“Tried to kill yourself.”
“I—what?”
“I can’t do it at all. Can’t even begin to cut myself.” He bowed his head, his hands clasped between his legs. It was then that I noticed the prick of blood on his wrist just below his thumb.
“You tried to cut yourself? Now?” I had heard him run the bath, but I had never imagined what he was doing.
“You are brave, kitten,” he said, as though he hadn’t heard my question. He was off in that other place again, a place where I didn’t belong. He didn’t notice me staring at him, didn’t notice the aghast expression on my face.
If he’d killed himself, I would have starved to death, tied to his bed. Did he even think about that? Think about me?
“The pain is worse than anything else,” he said. “Not the actual pain, but the thought of leaving this behind, all of it. As much as it hurts to stay, it seems like it would hurt even more to leave. I would miss it. It needs me.”
He turned to me, a shadow of pain masking his face. His fingers clutched his wrist.
“I would miss you, kitten. And the killing. I would miss never killing another person.”
“That’s… that’s disgusting.”
“No, not at all.” He raised his chin up to the dimmed lights, his face beatific. “It’s exquisite. The moment of release. Think about what I did to you, before my bath.”
It wasn’t hard to think about. How he’d touched me, kissed me. I blushed hard.
“Think about how much you wanted it, kitten.”
His finger touched my bare knee, traced a line up the outside of my thigh, rested two fingers on my hipbone. My body clenched inside and I twitched my head violently back, shivers of desire taking hold of me instantly.
“I didn’t—”
“Don’t lie!” His voice was a roar in the quiet room. Then he became soft again. “You wanted it so badly, kitten. Think of that desire, that want. Think of it multiplied tenfold. How torturous it would be to deny yourself. Especially when the answer to your problem is as easy as…”
With this he leaned forward and kissed me. I ripped my lips away from his, but not before the warm wet touch of his mouth drew the desire back to me in full force. He smiled.
“Pretend you want me to stay away from you, kitten, and I will continue giving you what you pretend you want.”
What did I want? I couldn’t tell. My body had turned traitor, sided with him. Hot, wet, ready, it ached for his touch again.
“You’ll sleep here from now on. With me.”
My eyes met his and quickly looked away. I thought that he could see right through me, into the depths of my being, where I was beginning to convince myself that I needed him more than I needed to stay away from him.
“Aren’t you afraid I’ll try to kill you again?” I asked. I didn’t care. But the temptation of sleeping next to his hard and muscled body… it would kill me before he did.
“Good point. We’ll have to leave these ties on.”
“I can’t fall asleep next to a serial killer.” It was useless. He had decided. Still I protested, aware even as I spoke of the futility of my demands.
“I know a remedy to help you fall asleep.”
“Sticking me with a sedative again?”
He looked up at me with pure desire, fierce and hungry. His eyes were a panther’s eyes, watching a helpless rabbit caught out in the open. If he had licked his chops, I would not have been surprised.
“No. Not the syringe. Something a bit more…natural.”