Heir to a Desert Legacy

chapter TWELVE



SAYID HAD NEVER BEEN accused of being reckless. He was a planner, a strategist, and while he took risks, they were always calculated.

But with Chloe, he had been reckless.

He had missed the signs of her innocence, and he was nearly certain it wasn’t because she’d hidden it so carefully. It was simply because he hadn’t wanted to see it. Because what he’d wanted, what he’d needed, was to lose himself in her, to take advantage of the crack she’d put in those self-imposed walls. To allow himself a moment to breathe, unrestricted, unbound.

He’d only been with a virgin once before, and never would have sought one out again. He was the wrong man for such a task.

He had cared about Sura. Had loved her. But he’d been a different man then. A boy, really. Sixteen and, though he’d been affected by his uncle’s child rearing tactics, he was not yet broken. The two of them had shared in first love, their first time together a meeting of hearts, not simply of bodies.

But that boy he’d once been was dead, along with the capability to love as he once had. It had not been his heart that had craved Chloe. He’d used her. Used her as a way for him to break free of his demons. Sure, he’d wrapped it up in giving her control, giving her something she needed, and while he knew it had worked for her, it had been a selfish act in many ways.

One he was actively attempting to regret, but could not. He was also trying to forget her offer in the hall. The offer to be with him, for as long as they both desired.

He wanted it. Wanted it much more than he should.

He raked his fingers through his hair and stared out at the sea from the window of his office. He could hardly recognize himself. He felt like he was in another man’s body. A body that was starting to ache, to tingle, like muscles and nerves long unused were waking up. Were regaining feeling.

It terrified him, how much he wanted it to happen. How much he wanted to stop it.

He threw his mind back. To the beatings Kalid had given him. Beaten him until he had learned to stop screaming. Until he’d found a way to make himself hold the pain in.

To the loss of the one person he’d loved, the tiny life he’d scarcely gotten a chance to love.

That was why he couldn’t feel. Why he must never feel.

He felt like the office walls were curving inward, closing in on him. Like a prison. A gilded prison, one that forced him to hide himself. Only, he was finding little sanctuary within today. Bit by bit, the crown was breaking through his defenses. And Chloe was accelerating the destruction.

He pushed back from his desk and went down the stairs, stripping off the long jacket he was wearing, the one that denoted his rank. He stripped his shirt off, too. Edged in gold, the dark blue symbolizing royalty. He wanted none of it today.

The sun was, as ever, close to the earth in Attar, even as it sunk into the sea, the rays searing his skin, the cool ocean breeze coming behind it to wash away the sting. Sayid walked out onto the beach, looked out at the horizon, endless and open, the gray and green waves rolling back toward the sky in an infinite motion. And still he felt trapped.

He had left the office, stripped off his royal garments and still he felt locked up tight. He would strip off his skin if it were possible. It was suffocating him.

He walked to the rocks that seemed to grow straight from the sand and leaned against the rough surface, the cutting pain in his back a familiar one at least.

It reminded him of being in jail. And it made the suffocation make sense at least.

If he couldn’t make it go away, then maybe he could at least think of the place he’d truly been held captive and apply it to that.

His only other option was to recognize that it was his own body choking the life out of him.

“Sayid?”

He looked up and saw Chloe, stumbling over the sand, the wind whipping through her coppery hair, her short, cotton dress blowing up over her knees.

“What are you doing here, Chloe?”

“I saw you come down here.”

“Where’s Aden?”

“Sleeping. And the nanny is with him.”

“So you thought you’d follow me? I thought I’d frustrated you enough this afternoon that you might avoid me.”

She came to stand in the shadow of the rock, the stone shielding her from the wind, her hair tumbling over her shoulders. “I thought we settled this. Earlier today, in fact.”

“You don’t know what you’re asking for, little virgin.”

“Not a virgin anymore. And don’t do that. Don’t try to make it seem like I somehow don’t understand things simply because I’d never had sex. I know the mysteries of the universe, sex hardly rocked my world.”

“Did it not?” he asked, extending his hand and brushing his thumb over her cheek. He found he was addicted to the sensation of touching her that way. An illicit dose of her soft skin beneath his hand. Just a taste of what it had been to touch her naked body. And he hadn’t done nearly enough touching that night. Not nearly enough.

“Well, in some ways it did.” She looked down, a blush staining her cheek, dark enough for him to see, even in the falling twilight.

“Chloe, you should go back.”

“No. Let me tell you something, Sayid al Kadar, you might be out of touch with your emotions, but I’m not out of touch with mine. I know what I want.”

“And you want me? What a waste of your desire.”

“It’s not. How could it be? I’m your wife after all.”

“Not my real wife,” he said, his voice cold. “You will never be my wife in any real sense. Even now, even with you as my wife for this brief period of time, it puts you in danger, do you not see that?”

“I don’t feel very in danger, actually. Which is funny, because I used to think that if I ever let a man get close to me...I would feel afraid. But you don’t make me feel afraid.”

“I should. As far as the world is concerned, you’re my wife and that means you’re vulnerable to an attack on me.”

“I don’t feel all that vulnerable when I’m with you. I feel strong.”

She moved forward, and as she got closer, he felt the tightness around his body loosen. Felt himself start breathing again, truly.

“You could not stand against men like I’ve encountered.”

“Is Attar at war right now?”

“No.”

“Is there even a rumor of it?”

He shook his head. “Since my capture and return, all has been quiet. The message Alik Vasin delivered to our enemies after my rescue was...it had deep impact.”

“Then that’s not really what you’re worried about.”

“I know the reality of what can happen to a man in the hands of those who are truly evil. Can you imagine what they might have done if I’d had a weakness to exploit? If I had cared a bit for my own skin? Or for the skin of another.” He put his hand on her cheek again, resting his palm there.

“So you’ll simply go through life caring for no one?”

“It’s all I can do now, Chloe, I don’t think you fully understand. I can’t do anything more. I was not trained to be a man, but a machine. And it’s too late to undo it.”

She stepped into him, kissing him, in the way that only Chloe could. Deep, inexperienced but filled with passion. Chloe didn’t hold back.

“Another experiment, Chloe?” he asked, when they parted, his voice thick with lust.

She shook her head. “No. This isn’t science.”

“I thought you wanted everything to be scientific. To be able to explain it all.”

“I don’t want to explain this. I just want to feel it.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he encircled her waist with his, pulling her tightly against him, relishing the feeling of her lush breasts against his chest, relishing the chance to move his hands over her curves.

He could feel the chains falling off. Could feel the walls crumbling, a rush of fresh air moving through his soul.

He could breathe.

“Chloe,” he said, her name a tortured sound on his lips.

He hands shook as he sifted his fingers through her hair and angled her head so he could delve deeper, sweeping the moist recess of her mouth with his tongue, tasting the essence of her, tasting Chloe, deep, letting her flavor fill him.

But it wasn’t enough.

“Are you okay?” he ground out, wrenching his mouth from hers and searching her face for signs of fear.

She nodded. “I’m fine. As long as you don’t stop.”

“No chance, habibti.”

“Good.”

He tugged the top of her sun dress down and exposed her breasts. He looked back, saw that the palace was obscured from view by the rock. “No one will see,” he said, his voice rough, another man’s voice, filled the kind of animal need and desire he’d never allowed himself to feel.

“I hadn’t even thought about it,” she said, a shaky laugh injecting a tremor into her words.

He lowered his head and swept his tongue over her nipple, then the other.

“Careful about how you do that,” she said.

He ignored her, tasting her again. Would he ever get enough? It seemed like the void had opened back up again, only now it was desperate to be filled by this. Hunger, need and lust. And Chloe. Always Chloe.

“Sayid,” she said.

“Oh, Chloe, I was missing a lot when I wasn’t able to touch you,” he said, sliding his thumb over one erect nipple. He lifted his head so that he could look at her, her face, filled with desire, his body flushed pink, further evidence of her arousal.

“I was missing quite a bit too.”

“Let me show you how much,” he said.

He moved his hands down around her back, sliding his fingertips along the elegant line of her spine, down to the rounded curve of her butt, still covered by the dress. He lifted the skirt up, sliding his fingertips beneath her panties, sucking in a harsh breath when he touched soft, bare skin. He squeezed her tight, loving her curves. Loving that she was all woman. Everything any man could possibly desire.

She shivered and he captured her trembling lip between his teeth as he moved his hand toward her inner thighs, his fingers coming into contact with the moisture between her legs.

“You want me,” he growled.

“Yes,” she whispered.

“Tell me,” he said, needing to hear it, his body crying out to be filled by something. By feeling. “Tell me how much. Tell me what.”

“It hurts how badly I want you,” she whispered, burying her face in his neck, pressing a kiss to his throat.

“Tell me what you want,” he said, sliding his fingers deeper, across the seam of her body, the evidence of her desire coating his skin.

“I want you,” she panted, “I want you inside of me.”

“Like this?” he asked, pushing one finger into her slick channel.

“More,” she said, her voice shaking.

“This?” He added a second, working them in and out of her. She arched into him, her bare breasts rubbing against his chest. And he thought he would explode then and there. Thought his heart would burst from his body, thought he would come just from witnessing her pleasure. From feeling it.

Not yet.

He needed more.

He withdrew from her and she sagged against him. “Oh...”

“We aren’t through yet.” He reversed their positions, pressing her back against the rock. “Does that hurt?” he asked.

She shook her head.

“Good.” He lowered himself in front of her, his knees in the sand, a position of reverence. All the better to give her body the attention it deserved.

He gripped the bunched up fabric of her dress and tugged it down her hips, letting it fall to the ground. He leaned in, pressing a kiss to her stomach, just above the waistband of her panties.

She pushed her fingers through his hair, holding on tightly as he shoved her underwear down, leaving her completely exposed. Just as he wanted her.

He kissed her stomach again and she trembled. “You are so beautiful,” he said. He brushed his fingertips over the lines on her stomach, evidence of all that carrying Aden had cost her. Physical proof. “I once thought of you as a mother tiger. And you are indeed. You’ve earned these stripes, and I am in awe of them. Of what they represent.”

“They’re...ugly.”

“They aren’t.” He kissed one of the lines, giving proof to his words. “You are beautiful everywhere.”

He moved his lips down. “Absolutely everywhere,” he said against her skin.

Then he kissed her at the bundle of nerves at the apex of her thighs, sliding his tongue along the same path his fingers had taken earlier. Her fingers tightened in his hair, incoherent sounds escaping her lips as he pleasured her, tasted her, let himself be filled with her.

But it still wasn’t enough.

He was so hard it hurt, but it wasn’t his body that felt the greatest need. It was the cavern inside of him where his soul should be.

He had never thought emptiness could hurt. But it did. In immeasurable ways.

“I need you now, Chloe,” he said.

“Take me,” she said.

He stood quickly, gripping her thigh, hooking her leg over his hip as he shoved his pants down his legs. He pushed into her, a raw groan coming from deep inside.

“Okay?” he asked.

She nodded, her eyes never leaving his. He thrust into her again, deep, hard. Over and over, the motion filling him, filling the void. He lowered his head, pressing a kiss to her shoulder, his eyes tightly shut as he chased the pleasure that was building inside of him, as he chased the feeling of being complete.

Of being whole.

A body at one with his mind. A body with a soul. Because he wanted Chloe with all of himself, with nothing held back in reserve. Nothing pushed down deep or hidden behind a wall. Every defense was demolished. And he relished it.

“Oh,” she panted, her nails digging into his shoulders. “Oh, yes.”

And he felt her internal muscles tighten around him, her orgasm washing through her, her pleasure pushing him to the brink, stealing his control, leading him over the edge of a cliff. The roar of blood in his ears was deafening, the intensity and power of his release so strong, so all-consuming that it shoved all of the pieces of himself together, holding them tight.

And in that moment he was home. He was Sayid, as he was meant to be. Body, mind and heart. And he felt. Felt so much that he thought he might die of it.

Like a bandage had been torn from him, leaving him to hemorrhage, to bleed out, a crimson stain on the sand.

He pulled her tightly against him, and sank to the ground, still buried deep inside of her. He wound his fingers through her hair, kissing her face, her neck, unable to do anything but touch her, to live in the moment, this one perfect moment.

Because he knew for certain that it couldn’t last.

That he could not allow it.

* * *

Chloe couldn’t believe she fell asleep, naked in the sand, shielded by the rocks, and by Sayid’s arms. It was dark when she woke up, the air still thick and warm, bright stars dotting the sky.

It was so different here. So wild, so open. It made her want to match. Made her want to embrace wildness, to embrace life in a way she never had before. In that moment, Attar felt like home. Most especially with Sayid at her back, his body warm hard against hers.

“Sayid?”

“You are awake.”

“Yes,” she said. “I guess I... Well, I mean, I guess it’s common for orgasm to make people sleep but I’m still surprised I fell asleep on the beach.”

“Oh, Chloe. Always reasoning.”

“Not so much with you.”

“I find I am the same.”

“At least it isn’t just me.” Silence fell between them. “What happened?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Before the prison. Before the...before you lost your men. You told me that you went in the man you are now. And I want to know what...happened.”

“I was raised to be a man of war, and that means I was treated with little softness.”

“And that’s it? That’s the beginning and end of it? I was raised by two people who didn’t care whether or not I was even there, and I...”

“You aren’t like me?”

“No. I tried to be. I tried to reason it all out, to stay away from emotion and passion but...it’s in me and I can’t stop it from coming out. And now I don’t even want to.”

“Because you love Aden,” he said. There was a firmness to his tone, as though he was afraid she might mean that she cared for him. Too bad that she did. And she didn’t even care not to, even if it meant she would get hurt.

Another decision. One borne of her own desire, rather than fear.

“Yes,” she said. “And you can’t. And I want to know why.”

He was silent for a moment. She felt him take a breath, his chest expanding, his arms tightening around her. “This is not something I speak of.”

She nodded. “I know.”

“And yet you ask.”

“Because I think you need to speak of it. I don’t talk about my parents but...I told you. And I feel...I don’t know, something feels like it’s starting to heal.”

“There were wounds that don’t heal, Chloe. Wounds that simply become more scars.”

“Please.”

“I told you, my uncle, Kalid, raised me. From the time was seven, I lived with him. There were times he would subject me to pain, to numb my senses, my connection with my own body. Because I would need the detachment. The strength. He kept me separate from other children. From photos of my family, anything he thought might make me weak. He took me to the desert, to live with the bedouin people. It’s an environment that forces you to become tough. But it was there that I found my greatest weakness. Her name was Sura.”

She wanted to stop him for a moment, a wild surge of jealousy shooting through her, making her want to close her ears off to a story about the woman he had wanted. The woman who was a part of stealing his heart, not just in the normal way a lover stole it, but forever. Leaving the man she wanted for herself unable to return her feelings.

But she didn’t. She forced herself to listen. To understand.

“I was a boy when we met. We were both twelve. And I wanted her to be mine forever. Wanted to protect her, to keep her. She became my best friend. She kept me from falling into the darkness after my uncle’s beatings, kept me...feeling. And she was beautiful. So beautiful. When we were sixteen...I knew I loved her.” He paused for a moment before continuing. “But my uncle wasn’t stupid, and neither was her father. And it turned out, no great detective work was required to uncover my relationship with her. Not after she got pregnant.”

Chloe was holding her breath now, an ache building in her chest that was threatening to shatter her. There would be no happy ending to this story.

“I was so happy when I found out about the baby. We were young but...I imagined that I had found a way to cheat the system I was in. To find a way out of the bleak, miserable hell. But it was my destiny, Chloe, what I was born for. And you cannot fight that. You can’t beat it.”

“What happened?” she asked, her voice a choked whisper.

“They took her to a clinic in the city, as soon as her father found out, and they terminated the pregnancy. Then it was a simple matter of selling her off to a neighboring tribal leader who didn’t mind taking on damaged goods for a wife, so long as she was young and beautiful.”

She felt Sayid’s body shudder beneath her hands. “She screamed for me, Chloe, and they held me down. Held my hands so I couldn’t move.”

Chloe felt a tear slide down her cheek. “No...”

“Yes. They held me until...I broke free. And then one of Sura’s father’s men hit me in the back of the head with the butt of his gun and...that was all. It was not all my uncle, you understand. Sura’s father didn’t want me for his daughter. A marriage agreement had already been struck with the man she was sent to. But I know it was a lesson Kalid delighted in teaching me. And it was his ultimate triumph. There was nothing more to lose after that. And when you have nothing left...”

“Oh...Sayid...I... How did you endure it?”

“How could I not? She got much worse than I did, because she cared for me. That, if nothing else, reinforced my place in life.” He breathed in deeply. “When I gained control over the Attari army, after Kalid’s death, the first thing I did was send them to rescue her.”

“You didn’t go?”

He shook his head. “I had nothing for her anymore.”

“And...was she okay?”

“She was happy. Her first husband had died, and she had since met a man who took her to live in the city. But those years she suffered...I will never forgive the men involved. For the loss of my child. For what they did to Sura, for the pain that she endured all because she loved me.” He sucked in a sharp breath. “I was foolish. I had thought that I could be the man I was meant to be, and still have love. A wife. Children. It was a pain that brought me to my knees. I was choked with it. When I found out she was to be given to someone else...” His voice broke then, the pain evident. “It was my fault, Chloe. Kalid told me. If I hadn’t...if I hadn’t shown such weakness...I showed my hand. I showed my weak spot. I made her a target. And that day I vowed I would never show weakness again. More than that, I would never feel it.”

“Easier than grieving,” she said.

“Easier than one day, watching a wife be taken by an enemy. Watching them do to her what was done to me in the prison, and don’t think for one moment they would not. And how, Chloe, could I have gone out and fought in the battlefield if I had a wife at home? If I had loved what was in my household more than I loved my people?”

“You would be a man, rather than a machine,” she said, bitterness in her words.

“I could not afford it.”

“How can you afford this?” she asked.

“It is my life. It is my purpose.”

“Damn your purpose,” she said. “What about what you want?” She scrambled away from him, moving into a sitting position. “What about you?”

“I don’t matter.”

“You do! Sayid, you do.”

“I can’t,” he bit out.

“Your uncle was a bastard. And he was wrong. Do you know what? I’m stronger now that I love Aden. I was weak when I didn’t care. When I buried my head in books and cut my feelings off from everything. I had goals in my mind, and I even imagined I was passionate about them, but they were nothing compared to the love I feel for him. Nothing compared to the depth I’ve found in life, in myself, since his birth.”

“That’s good for you, Chloe, but it isn’t meant for me.”

She turned away from him and started collecting her clothes.

“Chloe,” he said, his voice harsh, “your back...”

“What?” She reached around and felt raised welts across her skin. “Oh, from the rock.”

“I hurt you,” he said, his voice tortured.

“You didn’t.”

“I did.”

“Sayid, it’s fine.”

“It’s not fine,” he roared. “This is what you would take from me? Pain? Perhaps you truly are like your mother. And perhaps I am the monster.” He stood and tugged his pants on.

“Don’t say that. It’s demeaning to us both.”

“But it is close to the truth, I think.”

She shook her head. “It’s not. You didn’t hurt me on purpose.”

“But someday, I will cause you pain, and whether or not it happens by my hand, or by the hand of someone else, it is certain. And what you get in return will never match the risk. Because this, sex, this is all you will ever have from me.”

“It wasn’t just sex.”

“Listen to yourself,” he shouted. “Listen,” he said again, his voice lowering. “You know nothing of men, nothing of relationships. You know labs and theory. This is no theory, this is a certainty. I can give you nothing. I want to give you nothing. This,” he said, indicating her body, the wounds on her back, she imagined, “is all you will ever have from me.”

“That’s a lie, Sayid, and we both know it. You aren’t protecting me right now. You’re protecting you.”

“And you want to see what is not there.” He wrapped his hand around her wrist and pressed her palm to his chest. “There is nothing here,” he spat. “Not anymore. Not for you.”

He released his hold on her and turned and walked away, leaving her standing on the beach, naked, clutching her dress to her chest.

She would have given into the despair building inside of her, would have sank to the ground and wallowed in anguish. If she believed him.

If she hadn’t glimpsed the fear and desperation in his eyes that proved that he felt no less than any other man. In some ways, it seemed he felt more. But it was locked down so deep, a well of it inside of him that was ready to overflow.

What she saw was a man drowning in his own body. And unless she reached in to save him, no one would.