Heir to a Desert Legacy

chapter ELEVEN



SAYID WORKED AT CATCHING his breath. He couldn’t. He was certain his heart was about to pound out of his chest. His wrists were still bound, the muscles in his chest, back and shoulders aching now from being tied so tightly for so long.

He had been bound before. Chained to a wall and beaten. Unable to move while knowing that unendurable pain was about to touch him. Bound up inside of himself, unable to vent the pain, the anguish that he felt, watching the woman he loved being ripped from the only life she knew, being torn away from him. Watching his men falling around him.

It was impossible to say what had driven him to allow himself to be tied down again. To put himself at the mercy of another person. Somewhere inside of him there had been a dark desire to taste captivity again. Captivity at her hands this time. To prove to himself that if he were bound again, it wouldn’t always be pain he was waiting for. That it could be a pleasure.

To simply allow himself to be, rather than having to keep such a tight reign on himself at all times. To challenge what he had been taught. To see what might happen if he tried once again to give up some control.

Now he knew. Knew that when he dreamed of his wrists being bound, he wouldn’t be waiting for the crack of a whip, but the slow wet slide of Chloe’s tongue on his skin.

He ached to hold her now. A strange need, one he’d not felt in years. But his shields were down. Not forever, but for the moment, surrendered to this woman, along with his control.

His hands were still bound, preventing him from following through.

“Chloe,” he said, the roughness of his own voice shocking him.

She lifted her head, her blue eyes wide, dazed. “Yes?”

“Can you untie my hands?”

“You said I could keep you that way all night.”

“Are you still afraid of me?” he asked. He held his breath while he waited for the answer.

“No,” she said slowly. “I like you like this, though.”

“I’m not opposed to it,” he said. “At least not under these circumstances. But I think my right shoulder is starting to lose feeling.”

“Oh!” She scrambled up his chest, naked and lush, and started working at the ties on his wrists.

When he was free, he had to fight the instinct to pull her into his arms and roll her beneath him, to feel those curves pressed against him again.

But he wouldn’t do that to her. Not now. Not after what had passed between them.

“Can I?” he asked, drawing near to her.

She nodded, not asking exactly what he wanted from her. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against his chest, like he’d been dying to do. He ran his hands over her curves, her waist, the luscious curve of her butt.

“I needed to touch you,” he said. “So soft. Was it a successful experiment for you?”

She laughed softly, burying her head in his chest. “It’s not really conclusive. You have to test findings. Try to disprove them. It has to be repeated in a controlled environment.”

“Repeated?” His body was very much interested in the idea, although his bruised and battered insides wondered if they could stand the experience.

He’d never felt anything like the release he’d just had. Had never had anything run so deeply inside of him. Had never been filled by such a profound sense of connection. For one moment, as he’d been inside of her, his release roaring through his ears, he’d felt weightless. He’d felt as if he’d seen himself. The man he might have been, if he had not spent his lifetime being trained to be someone different. Had he not had all of the desires in him stripped away, hollowed out.

It had been a surrender for him. Unexpected. Necessary.

He’d felt as if his body was caving in on itself, had felt as though he was ready to disappear entirely, crushed by all that he suppressed. By all of the things he denied, held down deep inside, that he simply wasn’t allowed to feel. Things he didn’t know how to release. Things he never could release.

But she’d given him a moment’s peace. A moment more than he’d ever had before.

“For science,” she said, her tone comically serious.

“You’re very dedicated to your work,” he said drily, lying down and bringing her with him, his arms still wrapped around her body.

“I really am.” She put her hand on his chest, slender fingers moving idly over his skin. “I guess we made the marriage really, really legal.”

“I suppose so.”

“Oh! Dammit!” She sat upright, the sound of Aden stirring.

“What?” he asked.

“I’ll be right back.” She grabbed a robe from out of the closet and threw it on, scurrying from the room.

She returned a few moments later with Aden in her arms, and sat down in the chair by the vanity. “Sorry. Could hear him crying.” She swept her robe aside and put the baby to her breast. He was powerless to do anything but watch. To watch the way she cared for him. And he understood then, why she’d given up everything. Because she was Aden’s mother in every way. In the only way that mattered.

A scream tore through his insides, ravaging him. Because he would never be Aden’s father. He would never be Chloe’s husband. Not really.

Desire, sweet, bitter desire, stabbed at his chest. Not for her body, but for something altogether more serious. Something he couldn’t have. Ever. It was a brief moment, but the strength of it, the intensity, shook him deep. It took that moment of watching the woman he loved sent to marry another and made that pain a pale shadow, eclipsed by the longing he felt now.

It was such a painful vision. A strange, melting haze of his past and future. Sura. The baby she hadn’t been allowed to give birth to. His baby.

When he’d found out she was pregnant, he had imagined a scene like this. He had been happy. Overjoyed. And then it had all been stripped from him, piece by piece, until this image was one burned into his brain as something he couldn’t have.

Never.

Tonight could never happen again. His defenses were down and they weren’t going back up easily. His chest throbbed, the desire for something, for more than he had, more than he would ever have, tearing at him.

No. Tonight could never happen again.

* * *

Chloe had spent the night in bed with Sayid, but he hadn’t done what she’d expected. He’d been so warm after they’d made love, so affectionate almost. She’d never been touched so much in her life, not in love, not in anger. She’d simply never been close to anyone.

But after she’d fed Aden and taken him back to the nanny, he’d changed. The wall back up between them. They had slept, and that was all.

She’d ended up putting her foot against his calf in an effort to maintain some of the intimacy that had been created between them.

Now she was wandering around the palace, wearing Aden in a sling, trying not to drown in confusion.

She was a such a typical female. And she’d spent so many years avoiding it! But now she was doing that thing, that thing that women did. She was on the slippery slope.

What had it meant to him? Would they do it again? Had it been as good for him as it had been for her?

Maybe if she hadn’t been a virgin it wouldn’t be such a big deal. She’d never really liked thinking of herself that way. Mainly because it sounded saintly or something and she’d never imagined herself that way. She’d simply elected not to go the route of acquiring physical relationships.

A flash from last night hit her hard. Sayid deep inside of her, his eyes hungry, his hands bound. It sent a shiver through her, a deep longing to have him inside of her again. And again. And again.

Yes, staying away from physical relationships had been her plan. It had probably been the best plan going for her. But she’d ruined it now. Now she’d been with Sayid. Now she knew.

More than that, she’d seen inside of him. Seen the depth of the cavern in his soul. The emptiness. It froze her inside. Terrified her. Made her feel as if she was standing on a ledge, looking down into endless nothing.

Part of her was afraid of falling in. Part of her wanted to jump.

All of her wanted to avoid him for a little longer. And she’d managed to since he’d left her room early that morning. It was afternoon now, the sun low in the sky, casting a burnished orange flame onto the sea, the reflection shining in through the window, painting the white rock walls in the same color.

“Sheikha.”

Chloe looked up and saw Sayid standing in front of her, his broad frame filling the corridor. Her heart lifted into her throat before free-falling into her stomach.

“Sheikh,” she returned, knowing her tone didn’t possess half of the cool sophistication that was inherent in his.

“I trust you are well rested?”

He was going to act as though nothing had happened between them. There was no innuendo in his tone, no knowing look. She deserved a knowing look. She deserved some innuendo, at the very least. “Indeed. I trust that you don’t have any rope burn?”

She could have bitten off her tongue.

He arched one dark brow. “I seem to be intact.”

“Nice for some.”

“Chloe, what happened last night must not be repeated.”

“Why not?” she asked, still horrified at the words coming out of her mouth. Unable to stop them. “Because it wasn’t good for you? You didn’t like having sex with me because I have stretch marks? Or was it because I was a virgin who didn’t have a clue about what she was doing? You know, it’s really daunting to be presented with a naked man and be told to have at it when you’ve never—”

“A what?” he asked, his tone soft. Ice-cold.

“A...a virgin.”

“You’ve had a child!” he said.

“I don’t see why it’s that surprising. You know how I conceived him.”

“I’m sorry, I must have missed the star in the East. Maybe if I’d seen it I would have felt like I had adequate warning.”

“So, it is a problem.”

“Yes!” he roared. “No. That’s not why it can’t happen again.”

“Then why not?”

“Because you’re not my damned wife!”

“Oh. I...well, yeah, I am, actually,” she said, blinking.

“You’re my wife on paper,” he said, lowering his voice. “But I do not wish to confuse our relationship this way.”

“Oh, I see, and now you can claim I tied you down and forced you? Sorry, Sayid, but you can’t. I don’t buy it. And no one else would, either. You had plenty of time to say no last night.”

“I didn’t want to. But I knew I should have. I knew it never should have gone so far, and I let it anyway. More reasons why it can’t happen again. And you were a virgin.” He swore.

“Yeah, I know. You’re the only one of the two of us that’s surprised by that one. I was actually very aware of the fact.”

“A fact you should have made me aware of.”

“Or what? It wouldn’t have happened? Then I’m really glad you didn’t know, because I needed it to happen. And actually, I needed it to happen in just that way. You let me have the control, you made me take it, and I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. No, I know I haven’t.”

“Of course you have,” he said, his tone dismissive. As if he needed to dismiss what had passed between them. “You’re on your way to a doctorate, you’ve hardly been inactive.”

“Yes, okay, academically, I’ve done things. A lot of things. But that’s easy. It’s easy for me to take control there, to be in charge. But I...I’ve lived in my head, Sayid. And Aden...Aden started forcing me to consider my body. To be connected with the physical part of myself. To realize that I’m a woman, not just a disembodied brain. And you...you made me make a choice, rather than just going along with life. Rather than just being afraid. And I did. Don’t ask me to regret it.”

“I don’t need you to regret it.”

“But you do. You regret it.”

“I should,” he said, his voice rough.

“Why?”

“Because I am not the man for you. I’m not the man for a virgin.”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Sayid, you act like I was some innocent, and I most certainly wasn’t that. I’d never been with a man before, but that was my choice. I know about sex. I’ve given birth, as you pointed out. I watched my mother get beaten until she was unconscious, until she bled. I’ve lived through the death of my half sister, the only family I could stand to be around, before I really got to know her. And I’ve had to fight to keep the child that I think of as mine, even though, biologically, he isn’t. Even though logically I shouldn’t. So don’t you dare treat me like I’m breakable. Don’t you dare try to protect me. I know you’re a product of violence. Well, so am I. I don’t have any innocence in me. No, I’d never had sex before, but that doesn’t mean I’m naive enough to look at life, or you, with rose colored glasses—” she sucked in a sharp breath “—and you made a mistake assuming I would even want to. I’m as pleased about this marriage being temporary as you are, and a little sex isn’t going to change that.”

“You think not?”

“I think not,” she returned.

“You think you want me? Every night? In your bed?”

She swallowed hard, nodding. “As long as it suits us both.” She wasn’t sure why she’d said that, wasn’t sure why she was giving in. She should tell him it was one and done. Should tell him he could never touch her again. She shouldn’t want him to touch her again. But she did.

“What about with my hands unbound?” He reached out, his thumb skimming her cheekbone. “What about then? When I can bend you over the bed, like I fantasized about. When I can grip your hips tight while I go deep inside you. What about then?”

She swallowed, her throat dry. “Yes. Then.” She wasn’t sure what was making her so brave, why she wasn’t shrinking away from his words.

She looked hard into those dark, fathomless eyes. She knew why. Sayid said he felt nothing, but she knew, knew for a fact, that that was a lie. It was a lie he told himself, as much as one he told the world. A lie he believed with every piece of himself.

There was more to him than he believed. More than he knew.

And she knew one thing for her. She could trust him. As far as how he would handle her physically, she could trust him.

“Yes,” she said. “You would never abuse me. You would never hurt me. You would never use my desire for you as a punishment. You would never use it to bend me to your will. And you wouldn’t use your fists to do that, either. Tell me I’m wrong.”

“Chloe...”

“You can’t. Because I’m not wrong. I’m right, and you know it. I’m not afraid of you,” she said, taking a step toward him, putting her palm flat on his chest. “I don’t need to be.”

“I would never hurt you physically, Chloe. Never. But I could hurt you in other ways. I will never love you. I can’t.”

“Who said I wanted that? I didn’t. In fact, I think I said the opposite. I think I said that I don’t need forever. And I don’t. I just want this. For as long as we can have it. Until it burns out. I’ve never been able to have this before. I’ve never wanted it. I’ve always been so scared. I just let...life, the past, sort of kick me along the stream. I worked hard in my professional life, but when it comes to relationships, I’ve never tried.”

“You’ve tried with Aden.”

“He’s the first person. Ever. The first person I’ve ever felt truly bonded to.” It would have happened with Tamara, but they’d never had the chance. And now she felt it with Sayid. She would call it a side effect of the sex, but she could remember feeling this exact feeling at the wedding, as the vows were spoken.

She didn’t want to analyze it. Not closely, not even at a distance. She just wanted the physical. For once, she just wanted to let go of thought and do what felt good.

And it was freeing. To let herself loose, to let herself embrace a part of herself she’d shoved down so deep she hadn’t realized it existed.

“I do want you, Sayid,” she said. “For as long as we both want each other. Do you think you can handle me?”

He chuckled, a low, humorless sound. “Habibti, I am not the one you should have concern for.”

“You never know.”

“You’re trying to see something in me that doesn’t exist.”

“Maybe,” she whispered, realizing the truth of it when she spoke it.

“Don’t,” he said. “Understand this, I didn’t experience a little trauma in prison and come out like this. I was like this when I went in. The reason I survived is because this was the man I was when they captured me. I would throw myself on a bomb tomorrow to save a life, and it’s not because I’m so brave, or so heroic. It’s because I don’t genuinely see any future for myself, neither do I have a care for it. And it’s because I feel nothing. Because nothing means a damn thing to me.”

The admission chilled her, terrified her. And part of her refused to believe it. She hated that part of herself, even as she clung to it. She had to believe there could be better for him. That there could be more.

She strode forward, keeping space between their bodies, one hand on Aden’s back, curling her arm around Sayid’s neck and going up on her tiptoes, kissing him, fiercely, possessively. He planted his hands on her hips, kissing her back, tracing her lips with his tongue before delving in deep.

When they parted, they were both breathing hard. She rested her forehead against his and closed her eyes, trying to make sense of the emotion coursing through her body.

“Do me a favor, Sayid,” she said.

“What?” he asked, his voice husky.

“Don’t throw yourself on a bomb anytime soon. You might not care, but I do.”

He didn’t speak for a moment, didn’t move. “Do me a favor, Chloe,” he said finally.

“What?”

“Don’t care. Not about me.”

It was too late for that. “I’ll do my best.”