“Yes,” I said. “What are you doing here?”
“You’re here,” Sam stated and there it went. My breath. Gone.
It took effort but I forced oxygen into my lungs and asked cautiously, “Didn’t you get my note?”
“Oh yeah,” he murmured in a way that sent chills up my spine, his eyes changing in a way that scared the beejeezus out of me and he took a step toward me. “I got your fuckin’ note.”
I stepped back, my entire body trembling. He saw it and stopped.
“I won’t hurt you, Kia, and you fuckin’ know that,” he growled, close to the edge, I knew it by his face, his posture, the energy vibrating off him and his tone.
“No I don’t, Sam, because you already did, you’ve all but destroyed me but you didn’t lift a hand to me to do it.”
Yes. That was what I said. It came right out.
His head jerked then he stared at me, the anger shifting clean from his features and I saw him swallow.
I reached inwardly for everything I had, gathered it close, straightened my spine but still only managed to whisper, “I can’t do it. We’re over. I can’t give everything and get pieces. I can’t live with secret phone conversations and you taking off for parts unknown. I loved what we had, I tried to live with it, I thought it was enough, but it wasn’t. Living every day with another secret. Knowing the day before there were more. Wondering if the next day will mean you’ll walk away from me. Understanding in my heart that you can’t trust me with pieces of your life. I know they’re dark but I don’t care. I didn’t just want your light, your power, your strength. I wanted all of you. I asked for it. I fought for it. But you kept it from me and you did it willingly knowing I needed it. I’m sorry, Sam, I’ve made my decision. I thought I could do it but I was wrong. It’s all or nothing.”
He didn’t speak.
I did.
“I’m sorry.” It was my turn to swallow then I forced out, “You need to leave.”
Sam didn’t move.
I waited.
He still didn’t move. Not a muscle. Not even his eyes leaving me.
God. Really. He had to get out of there. He was killing me.
“Really,” I whispered and the word broke in the middle. Sam closed his eyes the instant he heard it but I pushed past it, somehow managed to keep my shit together and went on, “Please, Sam, just go.”
He opened his eyes and they locked on me, the intensity was there, more than ever before which was saying something. It was firing his eyes so blazing it was a wonder the room didn’t catch fire.
“Go,” I whispered.
Sam didn’t move.
I was losing the battle with my emotion. I wasn’t strong enough for this. I hadn’t had enough time to get to that place and tears filled my eyes.
“Please,” I begged brokenly, “just fucking go.”
I couldn’t stop it and a tear slid down my cheek.
Sam watched it go.
Then his eyes shot to mine.
“He died in my arms.”
I blinked then I froze. Completely. Head-to-toe.
Sam kept speaking.
“Bled all over me, his blood so warm, swear to Christ, I actually felt his life draining out, leaking all over me.”
Oh God.
He was talking about Gordo.
“Sam –” I whispered.
He cut me off with, “Nine words.”
He said no more.
“Nine words?” I asked quietly.
“His last words. There were only nine.”
I waited, my heart beating hard, not wanting to hear it, needing to.
It took some time but then he gave it to me.
Everything.
“He said, ‘Love you, man. Tell my wife I love her.’”
The tears came back and didn’t hover. They just fell over and slid down my cheeks one right after the other.
Sam kept talking.
“Then he died. Said those nine words then he was gone. Fuckin’ watched the light die in his eyes. Just blinked right out. I will never forget that. How he was there, Gordo, my boy, lookin’ at me and not even a second later, just a blink, he was gone for-fuckin’-ever.”
“Honey,” I whispered.
“Then I had to go tell Luci that shit.”
Oh God.
“I did it and watched the light go out in her eyes too.”
Oh God!
“Didn’t matter to her that his last thought on this earth was that he loved her and he wanted her to know that. All she could feel was that he was gone. All she knew was that she had him, all of him, so much, he’s in a goddamned chopper, the blood leakin’ outta him and him loving her is the last thing that fills his mind then suddenly, in a fuckin’ blink, all that was gone because he was gone.”
“Sam,” I said, stepping toward him but I stopped when he stepped back.
My heart skipped.
He had never moved away from me.
“Told Felicia too,” he declared.
Felicia?