“Keep on.”
“Well, he said owin’ to the extreme delicacy of my problem, and since there was no evidence of criminal intent, he wouldn’t be above throwin’ a little dust in a juryman’s eyes—whatever that means—and then, oh I don’t know.”
“Oh Hank, you do know.”
“Well, he said something about safety in numbers and if he were me he wouldn’t dream of connivin’ at perjury but so far as he knew all falsies looked alike, and that was about all he could do for me. He said he’d bill me at the end of the month. I wasn’t out of the office good before I got the idea!”
Jean Louise said, “Hank—did he say anything about what he was going to say to me?”
“Say to you?” Henry turned to her. “He won’t say a darn thing to you. He can’t. Don’t you know everything anybody tells his lawyer’s confidential?”
THOCK. SHE FLATTENED the paper cup into the table, shattering their images. The sun stood at two o’clock, as it had stood yesterday and would stand tomorrow.
Hell is eternal apartness. What had she done that she must spend the rest of her years reaching out with yearning for them, making secret trips to long ago, making no journey to the present? I am their blood and bones, I have dug in this ground, this is my home. But I am not their blood, the ground doesn’t care who digs it, I am a stranger at a cocktail party.
16
“HANK, WHERE’S ATTICUS?”
Henry looked up from his desk. “Hi, sweetie. He’s at the post office. It’s about coffee-time for me. Comin’ along?”
The same thing that compelled her to leave Mr. Cunningham’s and go to the office caused her to follow Henry to the sidewalk: she wished to look furtively at them again and again, to assure herself that they had not undergone some alarming physical metamorphosis as well, yet she did not wish to speak to them, to touch them, lest she cause them to commit further outrage in her presence.
As she and Henry walked side by side to the drugstore, she wondered if Maycomb was planning a fall or winter wedding for them. I’m peculiar, she thought. I cannot get into bed with a man unless I’m in some state of accord with him. Right now I can’t even speak to him. Cannot speak to my oldest friend.
They sat facing each other in a booth, and Jean Louise studied the napkin container, the sugar bowl, the salt and pepper shakers.
“You’re quiet,” said Henry. “How was the Coffee?”
“Atrocious.”
“Hester there?”
“Yes. She’s about yours and Jem’s age, isn’t she?”
“Yeah, same class. Bill told me this morning she was pilin’ on the warpaint for it.”
“Hank, Bill Sinclair must be a gloomy party.”
“Why?”
“All that guff he’s put in Hester’s head—”
“What guff?”
“Oh, the Catholics and the Communists and Lord knows what else. It seems to have run all together in her mind.”
Henry laughed and said, “Honey, the sun rises and sets with that Bill of hers. Everything he says is Gospel. She loves her man.”
“Is that what loving your man is?”
“Has a lot to do with it.”
Jean Louise said, “You mean losing your own identity, don’t you?”
“In a way, yes,” said Henry.
“Then I doubt if I shall ever marry. I never met a man—”
“You’re gonna marry me, remember?”
“Hank, I may as well tell you now and get it over with: I’m not going to marry you. Period and that’s that.”
She had not intended to say it but she could not stop herself.
“I’ve heard that before.”
“Well, I’m telling you now that if you ever want to marry”—was it she who was talking?—“you’d best start looking around. I’ve never been in love with you, but you’ve always known I’ve loved you. I thought we could make a marriage with me loving you on that basis, but—”
“But what?”
“I don’t even love you like that any more. I’ve hurt you but there it is.” Yes, it was she talking, with her customary aplomb, breaking his heart in the drugstore. Well, he’d broken hers.
Henry’s face became blank, reddened, and its scar leaped into prominence. “Jean Louise, you can’t mean what you’re saying.”
“I mean every word of it.”
Hurts, doesn’t it? You’re damn right it hurts. You know how it feels, now.
Henry reached across the table and took her hand. She pulled away. “Don’t you touch me,” she said.
“My darling, what is the matter?”
Matter? I’ll tell you what’s the matter. You won’t be pleased with some of it.
“All right, Hank. It’s simply this: I was at that meeting yesterday. I saw you and Atticus in your glory down there at that table with that—that scum, that dreadful man, and I tell you my stomach turned. Merely the man I was going to marry, merely my own father, merely made me so sick I threw up and haven’t stopped yet! How in the name of God could you? How could you?”
“We have to do a lot of things we don’t want to do, Jean Louise.”