He put the diary aside and rubbed his eyes behind his glasses.
“It’s tragic more than anything else. She graduated from high school and moved into the city to share an apartment with a girlfriend. Her first job was working for my father’s company. One of his secretaries went on maternity leave and she filled in temporarily. That’s how they met.”
“She was young.” Julia clasped her hand in his.
He glanced down at their connection. “Almost as young as you when I met you. Funny how history repeats itself.”
“Don’t,” Julia said, in a low voice. “You could have gone down that road. But you didn’t. We’re different.”
“I went down that road with someone else.”
Julia felt her anger flame. “You didn’t abandon Paulina. You cared for her for years. You are not the kind of man who would abandon your child.”
“Say that again.” Gabriel’s voice was a cross between a growl and a plea.
Julia reached up to remove his glasses, lying across his body to place them on the nightstand. Then she lifted her face, still reclining over him.
“Gabriel Emerson, you are not the kind of man who would abandon your child. And as much as you might think of yourself as the seducer, we both know our seduction was mutual.”
He stroked her hair lightly before lifting her chin and bringing their lips together.
“Our seduction was most definitely mutual. You’re the only woman who ever persuaded me to give my heart. And you still seduce me, Mrs. Emerson. Every day.”
Gabriel stroked her hair again.
“It sounds as if my parents’ affair started while they were working long hours together. One night, he kissed her. Things progressed . . .”
“Did he love her?”
“He said he did. He bought her extravagant gifts. He wouldn’t be seen in public with her, but they’d meet at hotels.”
Julia fingered her necklace unconsciously.
“I saw some of the jewelry in your desk. There are things from Tiffany and what looks like a wedding band.”
Gabriel scowled. “He gave her that ring when I was born. She used to wear it and pretend she was married. What a farce.”
“It’s possible he did it to protect her.”
“Julianne, nothing my father did protected her.” His voice was cold. “She was young and had lived a sheltered life with her family. She expected he’d leave his wife and family for her. Obviously that didn’t happen.”
Julia tightened her arms around him. “What have you done to find out more about your family?”
“I sent an email to Carson, asking him to make inquiries about the Emersons and about my father.” He cleared his throat. “I made a few phone calls today and was able to schedule an appointment with Dr. Townsend. And a urologist.”
“I’m proud of you. I know you’re anxious. But no matter what you discover, we’ll face it together.”
He sighed and brought his hand up to cup the back of her head.
“If you’re serious about learning more about your mother, I’ll help you.”
She turned to lie on her back, staring up at the ceiling.
“My father has her stuff. I don’t think it’s a good idea to ask about it. He’s got a lot on his mind.”
“You’re right. Have you heard from him?”
“Diane sent me an email about my bridesmaid dress. I’m supposed to pick it up when we arrive.”
Julia was quiet for a moment, thinking. Then she spoke.
“Do you think God has forgiven you?”
His brow furrowed. “Why would you ask me that?”
“Because of our conversation in the shower. You seem to think your past hasn’t really been forgiven.”
He shifted next to her.
“When I was in Assisi, after we’d been separated, it felt as if God forgave me.”
“But you still look at yourself and don’t like what you see?” Her tone was gentle.
“Why should I? I have so many faults.”
“So do all human beings, sweetheart.”
“Maybe I’m more conscious of my own sin.”
“Maybe you haven’t accepted the grace and forgiveness you’ve been offered.”
He looked at her sharply.
She moved closer to him.
“I’m not saying this to grieve you. I see how far you’ve come, and it’s nothing short of a miracle. But part of that miracle is recognizing the magnitude of the grace.”
“I did so many terrible things,” he whispered.
“And God’s forgiveness is so small.” Julia glanced at him out of the corner of her eye.
“I don’t think that.”
“But you act like that sometimes—as if you’re still in Hell. As if God couldn’t forgive you.”
“I want to be better.”
“Then be better. Accept the fact that God didn’t bring you this far only to abandon you. He isn’t that kind of father. And you won’t be, either.”
Gabriel pondered her words for a moment.
“If what you say is correct, then you have no reason to fear being a mother. No matter what happened with Sharon or what’s in your past, grace is available to you too. I guess we both need to overcome our fears.”