“Why not?”
“I’m not having my vasectomy reversed. I’d like us to pursue adoption. I know we can’t adopt Maria, but I’d like us to look into adopting a child when you graduate.”
“You’ve decided,” she breathed.
A muscle jumped in his jaw.
“I’m protecting you.”
“But what about all our conversations? What about what we talked about in the orchard?”
“I was wrong.”
“You were wrong?” She scrambled to her feet. “Gabriel, what the hell is going on?”
“Can we please not do this right now?” He began walking toward the door.
“Gabriel, I—”
“When I get back,” he interrupted. “Give me thirty minutes.”
She bit back an angry response.
“Just tell me one thing.”
He paused, looking at her through his sunglasses.
“What’s that?”
“Do you still love me?”
His expression grew pained. “I’ve never loved you more.”
And with that, he opened the door and fled into the warm morning air.
“How was your run?” Julia greeted a hot and sweaty Gabriel as he entered the kitchen.
“Good. I’m just going to take a shower.”
“Care for some company?”
He gave her a half-smile. “After you.”
Julia preceded him up the stairs and they entered the master bedroom together.
He sat on a chair, pulling off his shoes and socks and peeling away his shirt.
“Did running clear your head?” She studied him intently. The sheen of perspiration was visible on his tanned skin, his muscles rippling with every movement.
“Somewhat.”
“Tell me what’s troubling you.”
He sighed loudly, squeezing his eyes shut. Then he nodded and she sat on the edge of the bed, waiting.
He placed his forearms on his knees, leaning forward. “My whole life I’ve been self-centered. I don’t know how anyone could stand to be near me.”
“Gabriel,” she reproached him. “You’re eminently lovable. That’s why women fall at your feet.”
“I don’t care about that. It’s all based on appearances. They wouldn’t care if I was selfish so long as I gave them a good fuck.”
Julia grimaced.
“I know you. I know all of you and I don’t think you’re selfish.”
“I pursued you when you were my student. I was terrible to my family and to Paulina,” he countered.
Julia looked over into darkened, tortured eyes.
“That’s in the past. We don’t need to speak of it.”
“Of course we need to speak of it.” He placed his head in his hands, gripping his hair. “Don’t you understand? I’m still being selfish. I could hurt you.”
“How?”
“What if Paulina’s miscarriage was my fault?”
Julia’s stomach lurched.
“Gabriel, we talked about this. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.”
“It was my fault I was out on a bender all weekend. If I’d been home to care for her, I could have taken her to the hospital.”
“Please don’t go down that road again. You know where it leads.”
He kept his eyes on the floor. “It leads to the conversation we had in the orchard.”
“The orchard?”
“I’ve been talking to you about having a baby. But I never stopped to think about it in light of what happened with Paulina.”
“Gabriel, please. I—”
He interrupted her. “What if her miscarriage was the result of a genetic abnormality? Something I contributed?”
Julia was stunned into silence.
“I told you I wanted a child. But I never stopped to think about the risks.”
“Miscarriages are common, Gabriel. It’s tragic, but it’s true. Have mercy on yourself. There’s a reason why you had that dream about Maia. Accept the peace she offered you and let it go.”
“What if the same thing happens to us?” His voice broke on the last word. “Look at what your father and Diane are going through.”
“It would be devastating. But this is the world we live in. There’s illness and death. We can’t pretend we’re immune.”
“We can avoid unacceptable risks.”
Julia’s eyes grew sad. “So now you don’t want a baby with me?”
He lifted his head to see tears in her eyes.
“All this talk of Paulina.” Julia swallowed hard. “I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but I envy her. You shared a life-changing experience with her that we might not be able to have.”
“I thought you’d be relieved.”
“Nothing in what you’ve said brings relief.” She searched his eyes. “And you certainly don’t look happy.”
“That’s because I want what I can’t have. I can’t go through what I went through with Paulina again. I can’t and I won’t. I won’t let that happen to you.”
“No children,” she whispered.
“We’ll adopt.”
“So that’s it.”
He nodded.