On one such morning, Julia was checking her email when she found something from Paul. She opened it.
After she read the message, she sat back in her chair, stunned.
“Do you want eggs for breakfast? Or fruit and cheese?” Gabriel called from the kitchen, which was next to the living room.
When she didn’t respond, he walked over to her.
“Should I make eggs for breakfast, or just fruit and cheese? There’s also pastries from the bakery.”
She looked up at him in evident distress.
“What’s wrong?”
“I just got an email from Paul.”
Gabriel resisted the urge to comment on the Angelfucker and his behavior. “What did he say?”
Wordlessly, she pointed at the computer screen.
Gabriel fished around in his pocket for his glasses and put them on.
Dear Julia,
Thanks for your email. You did a great job with your paper and I thought you handled the questions well, especially Christa’s. I was impressed.
Professor Picton was very complimentary. She doesn’t praise people often, so you should be proud of yourself.
Please pass along my congratulations to your father and his girlfriend. He’s a good guy and I’m happy for them.
I’m back in Vermont. My dad’s health continues to improve. Thanks for asking. I’ll tell him and Mom that you said hello.
I’m determined to meet Professor Picton’s deadlines, so my parents have hired more help at the farm. I hope to go on the job market this fall and pick up some interviews at the Modern Language Association meeting. If I don’t get a job, I’m back on the farm for another year.
I’m glad we had a chance to go to lunch. It was good to see you.
There were some things I should have said, but didn’t. I guess I should say them now.
I think we need to go our separate ways. You’re married and I need to move on.
Maybe it will be easier for me in the future. But in the meantime, we should stop emailing.
I don’t mean to hurt you, so please don’t take it that way. I care about you, but I’ve been thinking about this for a while and believe it’s for the best.
Be happy, Rabbit.
Paul
Gabriel’s eyes focused on hers. She looked stricken.
“I sent him a couple of emails. It took him days to reply. And look at what he said.”
Gabriel crouched down, placing his hand on Julia’s knee. “He’s in love with you. You know that.”
“I know he loved me once.”
Gabriel looked at her gravely. “Did you stop loving me when I left Toronto?”
She nibbled on the edge of one of her fingernails. “Of course not.”
“If he truly loves you, he’ll love you for a long time. Maybe forever.”
“Then why wouldn’t he want to be friends?” She turned troubled eyes in his direction.
“Because it’s too painful.” Gabriel cupped her cheek. “If I’d lost you to him, I couldn’t be friends with you. I’d simply have to love you from a distance.”
“I never meant to hurt him,” she whispered.
“I’m sure he realizes that.”
“Why didn’t he try to talk to me about it when we were in Oxford?”
“He didn’t want to upset you before your lecture.”
Julia turned suspicious eyes in her husband’s direction. “Did you know about this?”
Gabriel hesitated, ever so slightly.
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“For the same reason he didn’t bring it up. We wanted you to be in the best frame of mind at the conference.”
She pushed her chair back from the table. “So you and Paul discussed this? You discussed me?”
“Briefly, yes.”
“You should have told me!”
“I’m telling you now. Truthfully, Julianne, I thought he’d change his mind. But once again, Paul has surprised me.”
“You dole out information like vitamins.”
Gabriel lifted his head, a smile playing about his lips. “Vitamins?”
“You know what I’m saying. You and your secrets.” She rose to her feet, but he caught her wrist.
“I don’t have secrets from you. We agreed not to disclose everything from our pasts for the sake of moving forward. But if you want full disclosure, I’ll give it to you.” He lifted his chin in challenge. “And then I’ll ask you for full disclosure. For example, did you happen to have a conversation with Paul about dropping out of Harvard?”
“What?”
“He tore a strip off me, telling me I had to make sure you didn’t abandon your dreams.”
Julia’s eyes widened.
“When did he say this?”
“In Oxford, right after your lunch. So don’t lecture me on keeping secrets, Julianne. I’m not having lunch with old flames and telling them about our marital conflicts.”
“I wasn’t doing that.”
“Well, what do you call it, then?”
She lifted her hands and then let them drop to her sides. “It just—came out. I was worried and needed someone to talk to.”
“Did it ever occur to you that you already have someone to talk to?” Gabriel glanced between them significantly. “Someone infinitely closer?”