Liz’s bottom lip quivers and Drew stares at me blankly.
“Dude, you’ve been fingering that box in your pocket all this time? I thought you had crabs or something. I was going to let you borrow my cream,” Drew says with a sad shake of his head. “That’s pathetic. You have officially lost your man card. If you take it all back right now and tell me there’s a hole in your pocket and you were just diddling yourself like the old guy over in aisle twelve, I’ll forgive you.”
Liz pinches the skin of his underarm, and Drew lets out a howl, rubbing the spot that is now turning red.
“Shut up, ass fuck. That is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard,” Liz says with a sniffle. “Let me see the ring.”
I look behind me and find Claire perusing DVD’s now that the guy playing pocket pool is gone. I slide the ring out of my pocket and quickly opened it for Liz to see.
“Holy shit, you went to Jared’s,” she whispers in awe.
“YES! Ha ha, vindication!” I shout with a fist pump.
Liz and Drew shush me and we all turn around to see if Claire has heard the commotion. I quickly snap the ring box closed and shove it back in my pocket to see that she is oblivious to the noise and is still neck deep in the clearance porn bin.
That is so hot.
Even if my grandmother walked in right now, I don’t think I’d be able to get rid of my boner.
Sorry, Nana, my girlfriend is in a sex shop trying to pick out the perfect porno for us to watch later. Carter Junior isn’t going anywhere for a while. Please pick girl-on-girl, please pick girl-on-girl.
“Oh for God’s sakes, close your mouth, Carter, or you’ll catch flies,” Liz scolds, bringing my attention back around. “And Drew, quit staring at Jenny’s ass. You’ll have plenty of time for that later.”
“Actually, we’ve already done it three times today. I’m kind of spent,” Drew replies with another lick to the sucker.
“First of all, that’s disgusting and I would have slept a whole lot better tonight if you hadn’t shared that, and second, when the fuck did you even find time to have sex three times? You were at my shop all day helping me unload inventory. You didn’t even see Jenny until we got to the restaurant,” Liz questions.
“First of all,” Drew replies, mocking Liz. “You said ‘load’ and we need to acknowledge that. Heh, heh, load! And second, it was more like one point two times if you want to get technical. I had sex with the Jenny mold twice in the bathroom of your store, and I had sex with Jenny in the bathroom of the restaurant.”
And there goes my boner.
“There are so many things wrong with that statement I think my brain just exploded. You’re bleaching my bathroom tomorrow, asshat,” Liz says angrily.
“Hey, what are you guys talking about?” Claire asks, coming up to the group.
“We’re talking about how many times I spooged in Jenny today,” Drew states proudly.
“Sorry I asked,” Claire replies, turning right back around and walking away.
“Never, ever use that word again. Ever,” Liz tells Drew once Claire is out of earshot. “Okay, Carter, I get where you were going tonight with the whole ‘spur of the moment’ thing and it’s a nice touch. But you need a plan.”
“Hey, Christopher proposed to Adriana without any kind of plan. He just walked into her mother’s house and handed her the ring. Maybe he had the right idea,” I told her indignantly.
“Who the hell are Christopher and Adriana?” she asks.
“Um, duh! From Sopranos,” Drew replies.
“Come to think of it, though, it didn’t really end all that well. He fucked everything in a skirt, snorted coke, shot up heroin, and had her killed. Plus, the reason he proposed was because he just beat the shit out of her,” I reason.
“Gee, it’s amazing you were able to come to the conclusion that basing your marriage proposal off of an HBO mob show isn’t the best idea,” Liz says with a roll of her eyes.
“Hey, as long as Claire doesn’t go to the FBI and rat us out it could totally work,” Drew states. “That’s common sense right there. Bitches are snitches,” Drew says, throwing down gang signs to emphasize his point.
“It’s obvious I’m going to have to do this for you. Give me a few weeks and I’ll have your problem solved,” Liz assures me.
I'm not so sure having someone else plan my proposal to Claire is a good idea, but Liz is her best friend. Who better to help me out with this? Plus, it will alleviate some of the pressure I feel.
The three of us make our way back to the other side of the store where Claire and Jim are standing, staring slack jawed at Jenny.
“What should I do? He tells me to test them out, so I did. How was I supposed to know how far in to stick them?” she whines as we got to the group.
“What happened? What’s going on?” I ask to no one in particular.
I notice Claire is looking a little green again, and I put my arm around her waist and pulled her in to my side.