I look around with a smile, immediately recognizing a few faces as I take stock of how I feel.
Somehow, making me thoroughly fall apart on his hand, detonating me into shimmering little fragments of light that rival the ones shining down on me now has wiped my head clean of the anxiety and the panic.
A little road map forms in my mind, one with no street names or distances but a guide for how this thing is going to go. I lengthen my strides, my smile curving genuinely.
The mic is a friend, a comfortable weight in my hand. Their claps are little bursts of energy that shoot straight into my veins.
揌ello hello, everyone!?I smile and wave at the faces I recognize, Marissa at a front row table. 揊irst, and foremost, I have some announcements to make. To declare. To decree, if you will厰 I sigh happily. 揊uck it, I抦 smug, you guys. I. Am. Smug. And I don抰 care who knows it! Because things are good. They抮e really good. They抮e so good that I抦 actually more anxious. Like, how bad things happen in three抯, good things only happen in singles so around the corner, any minute now, I think I抦 going to trip over my own feet on the sidewalk and snap my neck on the curb before a bus comes and squishes my head like a grape kinda anxious.?A swell of laughter lifts me. 揝ide bar here, I no longer allow stools in my house since watching Million Dollar Baby.?The laughter rolls, accelerating.
揃ut back to business. I am smug, and yes, anxious about why I抦 so smug, so I抦 here to talk it out with you all and unpack this baggage because this just seems like a great place to air out all my shit, you know?
揊irst announcement: I am no longer single. You may have heard, but I am in a relationship. Yes, me, okay? And I get it, yes, go ahead and clap because it抯 a feat worth celebrating?
揑t抯 a feat worth celebrating because we all know it抯 not this kinda girl棓 I jab a thumb at myself 摋 that gets the guy. Not the loud, crass, girl who knows she抯 damaged and high maintenance and makes jokes about it. No, no. It抯 always two types of women who get the man:?I hold up two fingers to elucidate. 揑t抯 either the subtle wallflowers, or the ones who know they抮e sexy, and confident. It seems like you either have to have no idea how appealing you are, or you have to be fully aware of it and proud to embrace your power. It抯 not us weird in-betweeners. Not the truly unhinged.?I open my eyes as wide and crazily as I can. 揟he ones who get dressed to the nines in the sexiest getups they own, and then get drunk and aggressively convince all the other girls on the dance floor to take off their foot-prisons, build a shrine with them in the middle of a ceremonial circle while you get them all to perform a weird-girl tribal dance to Beyonce.?I mime a little dance, hopping around the stand in a circle as I cackle maniacally away from the mic. People start jostling around in their seats with the laughter, like they抮e all on an off-roading adventure down a bumpy mountain road.
Well, buckle up, motherfuckers.
揘o. It抯 not the ones who incite chaos and riots and bring down the collective sexiness in the atmosphere, the ones who dial up the crazy.
揂nd yet, I抳e somehow managed to land a man, so of course I now feel qualified to give pointers on what I can only guess has worked for me.?
揊irst and foremost, I抦 here to tell you that bonding over a shared love of things is overrated. I mean it. Fuck your hobbies Andrew, I don抰 care about what you love, what brings you contentment. No, give me the things you hate. Bonding over things you hate??I clutch my chest and let my eyes roll back in mock ecstasy with a moan. 揑f there isn抰 a dating app centered around that yet, there needs to be. Because you can learn to craft your own home brewed IPA by yourself, leave me out of it, that抯 fine. But if we go somewhere together and you don抰 share my hatred for the bicyclists who are pedaling away on the god damn line and not in their lane, then already our night is off to a bad start. And if you won抰 talk shit with me about that other couple we know who created a joint Facebook page, then I don抰 want it. I mean that wholeheartedly.?
The minutes pass in a flash that flows, and I continue to surf along the rising and falling waves. It抯 like everything that抯 been stored in all the corners of my brain finally shows up, and everything sticks the landing. It抯 all good, it抯 exactly how I wanted it to be.
I never say Meyer抯 name, but I know they all know who he is. Which is what makes it work extra well when I start making the jokes centered around him.
揑t抯 almost disgusting, really, how great he is. He抯 so out of my league, you guys. He抯 hot, and he抯 funny?Ugh, I know right? I hate me too.?I pop a hip and smile demurely. 揂nd he抯 older. So he just gets it, you know? He抯 so together, so scheduled and organized and sure of himself. Sometimes he抣l do something and I just棓 I make a fawning noise, start rocking side to side and hum-sing Salt N Pepa抯 Whattaman, before I bring a hand out again to count on my fingers. 揌e抯 always got Tums or Advil on him.?One. 揌e never wants to stay out too late.?Two. 揌e goes to therapy.?ThreeFourFiveSixSevenEightInfinity?I put the mic between my thighs so I can count on all my fingers, then pause long enough to let the energy settle, let the appreciation sink in before I flip the script.
揘ow, I want you to think about everything I抳e just said, and apply it to a woman.?The laughs start to rumble again. 揧eah, not quite the same impact, is there? 慡he抯 so together, scheduled, organized, sure of herself拝 Makes her sound like she抯 not all that much fun, huh? 慡he抯 older.?Don抰 lie, your brain went 慐w.?慡he抯 always got Tums and Advil on her, never wants to stay out too late, goes to therapy挆 Jesus, what is wrong with this bitch??Laughter rises to a rolling boil.
I indulge myself in a laugh with them to close that section out. 揑 mean, it really makes you think, doesn抰 it? It made me think, at least. I actually got invited out with a group of women who were all on the PTA once, and let me tell you, I learned some shit that night, too. I learned that the pressure and the double standards placed on us have not really changed, not where they抳e been ingrained into us, truly. And consequently, the way that those women cut loose was closer to a horror movie than some funny, silly romcom. That night escalated to something dark and sinister, quickly, and I have a few theories as to why厰
At some point later in the set, I branch off because I use the term 搒ure as shit?which prompts me to veer into a discussion on how bowel movements are anything but a sure thing for me. 揑f I travel, change my coffee brand, look at my phone a second too long in the morning, or if a butterfly flaps its wings on the other side of the world, it will affect my digestive system.?
I steer things back on track at some point, bringing it back to what it抯 like to be constantly aware of how we are perceived, constantly asking questions of ourselves that would never even occur to men.
It splinters a bit more than my normal stuff, has a sting to it. But it comes together as I take apart arguments and thoughts, piecing them back together in new collages.
For once, when I find Meyer as soon as I exit the stage, it抯 not his frown that ropes me in. It抯 a lopsided smile with the little shake of his head. And it doesn抰 occur to me to be self-conscious in that moment, either. I hop into his arms, lay an obnoxious, smacking kiss on his lips, and say 揟ell me someone got some of that on video so I can memorize it!?
揧es, camera was set up for the entire thing,?he laughs.
揑 think our new warm up routine stays, too.?
揑 think I抣l allow it,?he replies, sealing the deal with one more kiss.
25
NOW
MEYER
Me: Do you think my daughter hates me?
Fee: When you picked her up in JNCO抯 and the sideways flex fit, yes, 100% she hated you.
Me: That was YOUR idea.
Fee: Please don抰 ever tell her. I抳e never seen that shade of red on a human before. The chain wallet was your touch, I抣l remind you.
Fee: Why do you ask?
I pull my phone up and send her a picture of the movie. I抳e kept it on mute since I actively try to avoid watching the first five minutes.
Fee: Lolololololol Fly Away Home again?! You have it on mute right now don抰 you?
Me:?
Me: She LIKES to make me cry with the fucking song I swear. I get that the geese are cute but it feels like she just wants to torture me at this point.
Fee: Lol. You know that抯 not really it, right?
Me: ?
Fee: Meyer?
Me: ???
Fee: Jeez.. Even you are clueless, I swear?
Fee: Fly Away Home is about a little girl who loses her mother. She then goes on to live with her Dad, who struggles to connect with her. She抯 angry and lonely and feels isolated. They start to establish trust when her Dad lets her keep the geese and supports her caring for them. He builds her her own plane so she can fly with them, My?It抯 a movie about a Dad who goes above and beyond to support his girl抯 dreams, even when it抯 dangerous/crazy and makes no sense to anyone else.