揂 god-damn bird crapped on my mother抯 casket. And I laughed. The worst moment of my life was made just a little less worse by a splatter of shit.?She starts laughing maniacally and wiping away tears, 揟he priest didn抰 know what to do. He tried to wipe it off on his sleeve and kept apologizing, but I was near pissing myself with laughter because I knew she would have loved it.
揂nd you know what, Meyer? I抳e been living my life that way ever since. Looking for the laugh.?
NOW
揑f you抮e creating anything at all, it抯 really dangerous to care about what people think.?- Kristen Wiig
FARLEY
揑s it going to get you into trouble if I tell the story about the PTA ladies??I ask Meyer from behind my goblin mask. Hazel decided at the last minute this year that she wants to dress up and give trick-or-treating a go, and this Halloween store is down to slim-pickings.
He frowns as he places a sad puppy mask on his own face. 揟hat depends. Which story??
揟he story, Meyer. When they invited me to their night out??
He grunts. 揑 don抰 remember.?
揧es you do. It was like Girls Gone Wild meets the Purge. One woman squirted her breast milk at a bouncer, one ended up with stitches, and that one who always harps on the school lunches ate an impressive $37 worth of Taco Bell at the end of the night.?
揙h, that one.?
Hazel comes over then, sporting a white wig and coke bottle spectacles.
揅an I be an old woman for Halloween? That way, if anyone yells at me and I don抰 respond, they抣l just think I抦 being 憁ethod??She signs. This girl抯 brain never misses.
I look at Meyer, who抯 slid the sad puppy mask off and is smiling that megawatt smile I rarely get to see. 揂bsolutely.?
When she scampers off, I realize I forgot what I was asking?
揜egarding the PTA mom thing,?Meyer says (Oh, that抯 right), 揹o you plan to paint them in an unflattering light??
揘ot on purpose or anything. I mean, I do think it speaks to the unrelenting pressure that moms are under for them to cut loose that violently, but I personally loved every second of it. I will say, though, that it was made very clear that they only invited me around to try and get the scoop on you.?
揥hat do you mean??he asks, as he puts the puppy mask back on the shelf.
I make a 損sshhh?sound, and he stops and looks my way.
揘o, really? What scoop??
揧ou抳e got to know that they all think you抮e the hot, broody, single Dad, Meyer. One of them asked me if you, Marissa, and I were a throuple.?
揧ou抮e lying.?
揑抦 not. And once they found out that we抮e friends, they each pulled up a list that they抎 compiled of people to potentially fix you up with.?
揘o.?
揇on抰 worry. I covered for you. I backpedaled and told them all that I抦 secretly in unrequited, passionate, bittersweet love with you and they shut up real quick.?God, Fee, what in good fuck possessed you to say that?!!! I laugh awkwardly behind the goblin face. I hate it here.
揢mmm. Alright. Well梩hank you??he says, clearing his throat. 揃ack to your question, though. You won抰 get me in trouble. Just round the joke out with that part about the unrelenting pressure put on moms.?
揅an do.?
揥hy do you seem more neurotic than normal about offending anyone in your set??he asks, cocking his head. 揧ou already know that you have to dive in, and you know there抯 always going to be someone who misunderstands, or someone who does understand and just doesn抰 like it. Since when are you so concerned??
揑 don抰 know. I guess maybe since Kara is a mom, too, as far as that particular bit goes. And since I want to come up with a lot of fresh material. I kind of feel like I抦厰 I take a deep breath, reluctant to put a voice to the worry, 搮blocked, or something. I抦 having a hard time coming up with new stuff.?
揥ell, what are you doing to get new stuff??
揑 mean, nothing specific, yet. It抯 only been two weeks since we did all the paperwork, but?Alright, well.?I make an unflattering sound in the back of my throat. 揥hy do you always have to approach shit with logic, Meyer??
He laughs. That deep rumbling, tumbling of gravel being poured. 揝orry. But I do have a logic-based solution we could try??
揧eah??
揧eah. You up for killing two birds with one stone??He picks up and sets down things continuously along the shelves. 揥hen we do our practice dating, let抯 make actual plans and go do things out of the ordinary together. Some level of ridiculousness is bound to take place.?
揧ou mean outside of the staged stuff??
揧eah, in addition to the staged stuff, instead of just practicing, let抯 actually go out together and be a little more intentional about it. No Hazel, no activities centered around work or Hazel, and no hanging around at either of our houses. Let抯 force ourselves out of the box a bit. Maybe being distracted will make the practicing come easier, too.?
揝ure,?I say, breathily. Marry me, while you抮e at it. Let me bake something for you. Give me a pet name and let me massage your palms when you抮e tense.
He laughs again. 揌aving this entire conversation with you in a goblin mask was surprisingly productive.?
揥ell, I guess that抯 good, because the damn thing is caught in my hair somehow and I can抰 get it off,?I say, as it dangles from the tangled mass in my hair somewhere off to the side.
揌ere. Need me to help??
揚lease??
I turn and take a step backwards toward him, until I feel the warmth of him on the backs of my shoulders.
揧our hair worked itself into the knot back here.?
I hold my breath as he runs his fingers under pieces of my hair and parts them to the side. He grazes a spot on my neck and the spot feels instantly colder, like I need his hand to return to it, immediately.
揌ang on?I抦 just going to have to tear it,?he says as he moves to my front.
His beard scrapes against my ear as I feel him tear the string with his teeth.
揟here?you抮e free,?he says softly, his voice only inches from my ear.
I could just turn my face and kiss along the column of his neck like this. I could run my tongue up the length of it. I could slip my arm around his middle and slide my hand down slowly, pressing, gliding to the back pocket of his jeans where I could lightly squeeze an ass that rivals America抯?
His chest collides with my shoulder on an inhale, and I peek up sideways at him to see that he抯 staring that same angle down back at me. My eyes leave his furrowed brow and dart to his mouth. To that mouth that抯 almost too pretty to belong to a man.
揗y棓 I croak.
He blinks, his thigh bumping into mine as Hazel darts into, then around him before he steps away.
揕et抯 go!?she signs emphatically. 揑 need to find a cardigan and some beige tights, now!?
He turns back to me, but before he can say anything, I look down at my watch (that I don抰 actually have on), then I say and sign, 揑抦 actually running late to meet Marissa. I抣l see you guys tomorrow for trick-or-treating, though.?
揝ee you! You better dress up!?Hazel replies.
I dart out without chancing another look at Meyer, certain that I抦 about to burst into flames.
I抦 pulling into the grocery store parking lot when his text comes through.
Meyer: Hazel抯 headed to her Aunt抯 for a sleepover tonight. Want to go to the outdoor movie? Or do you actually have plans with Marissa?
I pout a little at being called out, until I remember that we share a Google calendar and I抦 anal about adding everything to it, since my brain cannot be trusted to memorize or track plans on its own.
I dial Marissa as I抦 walking through the doors to the store.
揌ey-o!?
揗eyer asked me on one of his proposed practice dates, and we had a moment earlier, and even though we already talked about this dating thing in vague terms, now he抯 putting a plan to it and I know I抦 going to screw everything up and explode and jump on him.?
揌old on. You抮e going to need to break it down for me a bit here.?
I tell her about our lunch. About the touches. About how tightly wound I抳e become and how I don抰 see how to navigate my way through this without things getting carried away.
揙kay. Don抰 take this as me being dismissive, but, when抯 the last time you got some??
揗yself and I had a beautiful time together just this morning, thank you.?An elderly man frowns at me in the produce aisle before I turn away.
揈ven though it抯 often more productive, that抯 still not the same, friend. It抯 not the same as the weight of a man or his attention. That push and pull in tension. It抯 not the same as the heated glances and sweet compliments, the small gestures of affection and long kisses.?
I look down at the Brawny man on the paper towels in my hand and sigh mournfully. 揧eah厰 I place Brawny in the kid抯 seat facing me. 揓esus, Miss, I抦 lusting after cartoon men. I抦 a wreck.?Also, it抯 not just lust that I feel for Meyer. It抯 so much more overwhelming than that.
Unfazed, she asks, 揥hat抯 the worst that could happen, Fee??