揇ad, what are you doing here??she asks, her entire demeanor shrinking in on itself.
揑 thought I would come convince you to join us for Christmas. When you weren抰 at your place, I figured I might find you here,?he shakes his head, his lip curling in disappointment.
揑 wonder if you can imagine how proud I am? How proud it makes me to see you putting that 720 verbal score to such spectacular use, up there telling stories about shitting yourself and giving blowjobs,?he spits.
揇ad, stop,?she whispers, voice catching on the words.
揊arley, when are you going to learn that this is not a serious career? Don抰 you want to contribute something to society? Actually, to hell with society. Don抰 you want a steady income for yourself? Medical insurance??
揇ad桰抦?I抦 actually starting to do pretty well for myself. I抳e been asked to do shows at quite a few different places around town, and I do桰 do work hard.?Her voice is a hollow shell of itself. Unrecognizable compared to the sweet, booming cadence of her normal tone.
揧ou抮e taking nothing seriously. Nothing. I know you抮e hanging on to some misguided vendetta against me, but I only want what抯 best for you. This梩here抯 no stability. You抮e treating your life like a pinball machine. And you抮e the ball! And who抯 this?! Some guy you抮e sleeping with??He points a finger at me as I tuck Hazel more firmly into my side. 揧ou look like you might have your shit together. Maybe you can talk some sense into her.?
揑抦 her manager, actually,?I say. 揧our daughter here is extremely bright and extremely talented. I抳e been trying to get her on as a client for quite some time. She抯 going to do big things.?
I catch Farley抯 tear-filled eyes, and the gratitude behind them solidifies it. Fuck it, I抣l be a manager. I抣l call in every single one of my favors around here and get her name out there, if only to prove this motherfucker wrong. The rising shock and rage on his face is already worth it.
But that also solidifies another thing. I won抰梒an抰梐buse that position by getting romantically involved. If I manage her and date her, no one will take us seriously when I promote her.
Just like that, the hopeful feeling dies.
A different kind of determination takes its place.
Fee turns toward the car before saying over her shoulder, 揃ye, Dad. Merry Christmas.?
Later, back at the condo, she pours herself another glass of wine as she stuffs candy into Hazel抯 stocking.
揗eyer. I抳e never厰 she blows out a breath, 搕hank you, for what you did back there for me.?
揧ou抮e welcome, Jones.?
揥hat did you?what did you want to talk to me about??her knee bounces anxiously.
揙h?uh梛ust that. I was going to ask you if you抎 want me to manage you.?
揧ou were??
I shrug. 揧eah.?
揟hank you. I can抰 believe it. But thank you.?
Determined to undo whatever damage was done earlier, I tell her, 揥e抣l work out the details later, but I mean it when I tell you that you can make it, Jones. You do this shit for the right reasons. I can tell.?
揥hat are the right reasons??
揗aking people forget that they抮e sad. Bringing people together by making them laugh. It抯 actually fucking beautiful, what you do. What the best comedians do, really?
揝ome people make jokes, and, even when it抯 about political stuff, since it抯 in the form of a joke, people actually listen to it. Even if they don抰 typically want to hear another side, when it抯 disguised as a joke, it clicks in your brain even if you don抰 want it to. You make people see that other angle in life. In uncomfortable situations, you make them want to look for something funny about it. You sneak it in on them in your way.?
She starts to cry, so I apply that logic and slide her wine glass away from her.
It works, and she laughs. 揝top,?she whispers, swiping at a tear and lightly punching my shoulder. And the whiplash I gave myself earlier in realizing my feelings梐nd then promptly tucking them away梞akes it too hard to hug her right now, so I just rub circles on her back.
揑抳e never really told you?why I stopped. Why I stopped stand-up for a long time厰 I say.
She looks up at me, her eyes now a fiery gold from the tears.
揌azel抯 mom and I?we weren抰?we weren抰 together or anything, which was fine with both parties. It had been a one-night stand. But she was a little bit older, so when she found out she was pregnant, I guess she debated even telling me at first, worried I抎 have wanted her to have an abortion. I was twenty-five and peaking in stand-up at the time and if I抦 being honest with you, Jones, I probably would have. I would have respected whatever her decision was, of course, but I think if she抎 come to me right away, I抎 have said something extremely fucking stupid, so I抦 really glad she didn抰.
揂s it was, by the time she told me, it was too late. Also, by that time, I抎 already known people in this industry who抎 OD抎 or developed some kind of addiction. If you don抰 stay grounded, you get so addicted to that adrenaline梩o having that feeling that you get up there梩hat a lot of us chase it when we抮e not. So, when I found out about Hazel, I knew it was my sign to stay tethered?that I had some real shit to live for off stage, too.
揃ut then?It was a freak thing. After Hazel was born, her mom, Hallie, had what抯 called an Amniotic Fluid Embolism. It抯 extremely rare, but within twenty-four hours she was gone.?I rush through the rest before I can second guess myself.
揑 felt like?like I couldn抰 find a single fucking bright spot in that situation, obviously. That this person, who wanted nothing from me, but was so excited to be a mom?she brought this perfect, beautiful thing into the world, and she didn抰 even get to enjoy her. Doing it killed her. And I?I know it抯 not logical, Fee, but I felt like I killed her.?I swallow.
揗eyer棑
揘o, let me finish, please. Because you need to know why what you do matters. Because it really does.
揑 swear, I thought I would never laugh again after that. I thought I didn抰 deserve to. And I was drowning, clueless when it came to a baby. My mom came out from Ohio and helped me when she could, but the thoughts that I had, Fee?God.?I feel like I could choke on the shame now, thinking back on it.
揑t had been a rough night梔ay, I don抰 know. At the time, they were all blurring together. But then I turned on some stand-up. And I laughed. And obviously, now I know she couldn抰 hear me, but my laughing face made her smile for the first time.
揝o, I started writing stuff down that would happen. Stuff that honestly fucking sucked, but that I thought I could find funny if it was happening to someone else. Finding baby shit under my nails, tearing a ligament in my ankle tripping on a play mat. I wrote it down, and eventually was able to turn that into a pilot that I sold.
揝o, comedy may have taken me out of my feelings at times, but it helped me make them manageable, too. I made sure whatever I put in front of my face was funny, so I had no other option but to try and laugh. And even when I couldn抰 laugh, making my pain into something that someone else could laugh at somehow made me feel less lonely.?
She looks at me and I look away, having spilled my guts as much as I抦 willing to at the moment.
揗y mom died,?she says. 揥hen I was sixteen. A heart attack. At way too young of an age. And my dad?he didn抰 have any kind of custody agreement or anything. I saw him some years and others I didn抰. My mom didn抰 even use his child support payments. She put every penny from him into an account for me. The woman struggled to put food on the table, and yet still did everything for me. She never failed to make my life feel like magic,?she smiles as a tear glides down.
揑抦 sure it will come as no surprise that I was a very rambunctious kid. Teachers hated me. I just had a really hard time sitting still, was highly emotional. So, my mom had the idea to put me in ASL lessons. She figured if I had to occupy my hands and pay attention, it was the one thing that would help me focus. She was wrong, by the way, but still厰
揂nyway. I wish you guys could have met her. I wish she could have met Hazel. My mom was just?fearless. Bright. Silly. She played with me as a kid and wept with me as a hormonal teen. I know they say you can抰 be friends with your kids, but she proved that wrong because I would have done anything to make that woman proud of me?
揑 took every penny that she抎 put into that account and gave her an epic service. Bought her the most beautiful casket. And when they were lowering her into the ground and my world was crumbling before me, a bird crapped on it.?
揥hat??I ask, trying not to snort at that abrupt turn.