But no more. I’m done. I’m letting you go.
The endless stream of email and begging will stop, partly because I’m tired of being in love alone and partly because I can finally feel myself getting over it. You can only be ignored and blown off for so long before it starts to take a toll on you, I guess. Either way, the scales are tipping and a new emotion is filling the void in my heart that used to be reserved for my feelings for you – indifference.
I don’t hate you – don’t think I could even if I tried. However, having you walk away has taught me something valuable; I’ve come to realize that losing you wasn’t the end of my world…because when I get up in the morning, the sun still rises, the Earth still spins, and I’m alive despite the way I felt in the beginning.
This letter will probably never reach you, but I’m doing this for me…not you. Clearly, you’ve found peace wherever you are, whatever you’re doing in life, but I needed to write it all out just so I know for myself that it’s been said.
Not one single day passes that I don’t think about you or wonder what you’ve been up to. That’ll probably never change. I miss things about you that I didn’t even realize I noticed until you weren’t around anymore…but I’m okay with knowing that memories are all I have left.
I hope that one day you find whatever it is you were chasing when you left, be it peace, wholeness, stability, or all of the above. I even hope you find love.
I will no longer be asking myself how this all fell apart. I won’t wonder what else I could’ve done to make you stay. I won’t even let myself fantasize what our life together would’ve been like if we’d made it all the way. You wanted to be left alone, so consider your wish granted.
Just so no stone is left unturned, I never cheated on you with Reina or anyone else, and I loved you in a way that you’d never possibly understand, hence the reason it’s taken me so long to move on.
I could go on and on about this because I’ve got so much that I’ve been holding in all this time, but…I won’t. Water under the bridge, I guess.
Be well, Sam,
AJ
My hand went to the box of tissue on my nightstand and I blotted the corners of my eyes. The pain behind the words written on this page transferred onto me and I couldn’t do anything but shake my head. It hadn’t sat well with me for years the way I’d left Charleston, but, at the time, I was thinking so irrationally that I didn’t know up from down. I was young, scared, feeling violated, and all I wanted was to put everything and everyone who reminded me of what happened with Antonio behind me. Several times, I thought to reach out to AJ. Once or twice, I even thought about going to see him. The only thing that stopped me was embarrassment because of how I left. Reading this letter let me know that I’d done at least as much damage as I thought I did.
The gentle knock at the door stole my attention from AJ’s words. Hiding the envelope and the tissue, I pulled both legs up onto my bed.
“Come in,” I called out, smiling at Angel when she entered.
“I was checking to see if you wanted to order in tonight. I don’t know about you, but I ain’t cooking.” As soon as she took a few steps in my direction, she noticed my red-rimmed eyes. Concern filled her expression as she sat beside me. “What’s wrong, Sammy?” She asked, rubbing her hand in slow circles on my back.
Since I’d been caught, I pulled AJ’s letter from inside my purple pillow case and handed it over. Confused, Angel took the papers out and read.
“Oh, wow…where’d this come from?”
With a sigh, I answered, “A box in the storage room. I was trying to get some work done before Jason came to pick me up for dinner.”