Found in You (Fixed)

Chapter Nineteen




I found them in the living room, standing so close to each other they would only have to lean in a little to kiss. I could only see Hudson’s face clearly from my angle, and he didn’t look about to make-out—he looked about to strangle.

A fireball mixed of jealousy, hurt and confusion sparked through my body. And betrayal. We’d vowed to not see Celia without one another. I’d betrayed him too in that department. Served me right to get a taste of what that felt like. It felt like shit.

“Why would Celia make it up?”

I’d been too wrapped up in the scene in front of me to realize Celia and Hudson weren’t alone. The voice that pulled my attention belonged to Sophia. Sitting next to her on the couch was Brian—shit! My And Jack was at the window, his back to the room.

What. The. F*ck.

“Because that’s what she does.” Jack turned from the window. “Ah, and many of these questions can now be settled because the subject at hand has arrived.”

All eyes in the room turned toward me.

I addressed my question to Hudson alone. “What’s going on?”

“Alayna—” His voice was as tense as his body, but a flicker of light passed through his eyes at seeing me.

Celia stepped in my sight line, her expression hard. “I’ve told them. They know.”

“Celia, stop it,” Jack said.

“Know what?” The hairs on my arms stood on end, the electricity in the air prickling all around us.

No one answered.

Jack looked around incredulously. “Are you going to tell her, Celia? It’s only fair for her to hear it from the horse’s mouth.”

Sophia’s jaw dropped. “Are you calling Celia a horse?”

“Dammit, Laynie. I knew this was going to happen. I knew it.” Brian stood and began pacing.

“Shut up, Brian.” I took a step into the room. “What is going on?”

Celia exchanged glances with Sophia. “You need help, Laynie.” Celia took Sophia’s outstretched hand for support. “I want you to know, I’m not mad at you and I don’t blame you for anything—”

“What the f*ck are you talking about?” While I still did not understand the situation, there was one thing that was suddenly clear—this was an intervention. An intervention for me.

“Fine.” Jack crossed the room to me. “Since you aren’t going to explain, then I’ll do it. Laynie, you know I love seeing you. I’m sorry it’s under these ludicrous circumstances.” He put his hands on my upper arms and even across the room, I felt Hudson bristle.

“Celia showed up at our house this morning throwing a hissy fit with these outrageous claims about you. Then she called Hudson and your brother here,” Jack paused to glance toward Brian, “and arranged for this whole extravaganza. Good thing I was around so I could come along and try to pound some sense into these people who are listening to her.” At the end of his speech he turned to the others, his voice and body animated.

“What is she saying about me?” In my bones I knew the answer without hearing it, but I held my breath, hoping to hell that I was wrong.

“That you’ve been harassing her.”

My knees buckled and Jack helped me into the armchair. “Oh my god.” My mouth tasted sour as I swallowed down bile. “Oh my god.”

Celia held up her cell phone. “I have the proof. She’s called several times and hung up. It’s on my call log.”

Click. Now it made sense—the reason she’d told me to call repeatedly, why she’d played with my phone at A Voce. She’d wanted the phone record. She’d played me. My head throbbed with the realization.

“Laynie?”

I looked to Brian, who had his arms crossed, waiting for an explanation.

Oh, how many times had I seen that look on my brother’s face? How many times did I promise that I would never hurt him like that again? Though I’d kept my vow, here he was with that same expression. It was unbearable.

I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “I did. But only because she told me to call her over and over.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Celia scoffed. “Why would I ask her to do that?”

“She said her phone wasn’t working.” It sounded ridiculous even to my own ears. “She said that if I wanted to get a hold of her I should keep calling until she answered.”

Celia didn’t let anyone have a chance to acknowledge my excuse. “She also followed me around town, to jobs I’ve been working. I’ve been working at Fit Nation and my bodyguard saw her at the coffee shop there today, alone, for nearly an hour. And when I called to check in, she’d left a message for me.”

“She set me up.” I said it to myself more than anyone else. “Stupid, stupid, stupid.” Mira had warned me about her. And Stacy from the boutique. Even Hudson had said I shouldn’t hang around with Celia. I hadn’t listened. So stupid.


“And the staff at A Voce can confirm that Alayna just walked up and joined me when I was about to have lunch the other day.”

“What, did you pay them off?” I spit the words out.

“I didn’t have to. It’s the truth.”

Our lunch that day had been uneventful. If she hadn’t paid them, then she’d probably told the hostess she was dining alone. Then when I showed up, it looked like I was invading her lunch. And I’d left before her—she could have cornered the waitress and complained about me, setting the scene for them another way.

Jack perched on the arm of my chair. “And what did you do, Celia? Did you notify security?”

“I didn’t want to be rude.” Her blue eyes sparkled. She was enjoying this game of hers. Was this whole thing a ploy to get Hudson by getting rid of me? Or was it revenge for the con he’d pulled on her years ago?

Or—the worst thought of all—had she learned manipulation from him? Had they played these games together?

I looked to Hudson. He’d said nothing since he called my name when I first arrived, his face steel, no emotion showing. I couldn’t tell whose side he was on. And that worried me—he should be on my side, shouldn’t he? Automatically?

“It’s bullshit.” I spoke to Hudson alone, not caring who else believed me. “She’s lying. We were having lunch together. She invited me.”

“She also harassed me in the restroom,” Celia said. “On your birthday, Sophia.”

“I did not!”

Celia put a hand on Hudson’s arm. “I told you that night, remember?”

“I don’t need a reminder.” He pulled his arm away from Celia’s grasp and my heart buoyed with the small victory.

She pretended his rejection didn’t faze her, turning to Sophia, her ally. “He refused to believe me then too.”

“He’s blinded by the sex,” Sophia said. “It’s not real.”

I ignored Sophia. “She told you I harassed her?” I tried to meet Hudson’s eyes, but he kept them fixed on the floor.

I thought back to the night of Sophia’s birthday, how Celia had been talking to Hudson when I left the bathroom. He’d been withdrawn afterward. Was this the reason why? Because she’d accused me of harassment? “Why didn’t you say anything to me, Hudson?”

He didn’t answer, but I could think of a reason he hadn’t told me—because I hadn’t said anything to him. God, the secrets we’d kept. Now they could undo us.

My stomach flipped as if I was going to throw up. “She approached me in the bathroom. I went in first, remember? And there was no harassing.” I snapped my fingers, suddenly remembering I had proof of the real conversation we’d had. “Mira was in a stall at the time! She’ll back me up.”

Celia’s face faltered for only half a second. “Mira’s always hated me. She’d lie to get me out of the picture.”

Jack chortled. “God, Celia, now you’re dragging Mira into this? How low will you go?”

Sophia scowled at her husband. “Stop attacking the victim.”

“Oh, Celia is anything but a victim.” Jack’s tone held a wealth of subtext. He obviously had his own issues with the Werner girl. On another occasion, I’d be itching to know what that was about.

Celia sighed—the kind of sigh that was for nothing but attention. “Please, don’t think of me as a victim, Sophia. I’m not complaining. I’m really not. I’m just…scared.” She wrung her hands in front of her. “I suppose it’s my fault. I stopped by the club one day—I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d be friendly. She asked me to coffee. I went, but I regret it now. That seems to have been the trigger point. She begged me not to tell you we’d met up.” She turned again to Hudson. “I should have told you immediately. I’m sorry.”

My only consolation at the moment was that Hudson refused to meet her eyes as well.

“This is ridiculous. You’re the one who suggested I didn’t tell Hudson.” Why was I even giving Celia the satisfaction of addressing her? “She’s twisting everything!”

Hudson stepped away, looking out across the room toward the windows.

Celia followed after him, putting a hand on his shoulder. Again he flinched away.

She straightened her spine. “I don’t know if you know this, Hudson, but when I talked to her that day, she was obsessing over some guy from the past—Paul something or other. She was trying to set up a deal with his company so she could be close to him.”

Rage spread through me like wildfire. “You f*cking bitch.”

Jack put his hand over mine, trying to calm me.

Celia stepped closer to Hudson. “I’m only here because I’m worried Laynie won’t get the help she needs. You have to help her, Huds.”

All I could see was red. “The only help I need is a cleanup crew for after I destroy your pretty face.” I lurched from my chair. Immediately Jack and Brian were at my sides, holding me back.

“Laynie!” Brian admonished.

Jack was more soothing. “Stay calm. Getting violent isn’t going to fix anything, even though it might feel good.”

“Do you hear her, Hudson?” Sophia stood and faced her son’s back. “She threatened Celia. In front of everyone.”

“Mother, stay out of this.”

I held on to Hudson’s words like a lifeline.

“Hudson, you have to get rid of her. She’s dangerous. Celia tells me she has a record. Why on earth would you let her into your life when you knew these things about her?”

“Shut up, Mother.” Hudson spun, brushing past both women. He stopped in the center of the room, finally looking at me.

I clung to his eyes with mine, trying to get my balance as the world tilted around me. I couldn’t read everything in his expression, but I could see definitively the one thing he’d told me so many times—I’m with you.

Sophia’s voice sounded muffled and far away as I remained in the safety of Hudson’s gaze. “It makes sense why she’d be obsessed with Celia. She knows you belong together, Hudson, and she’s jealous. Celia was pregnant with your baby. She can’t compete with that, no matter—”

Jack let go of my arm. “Aw, shut the f*ck up, Sophia. It wasn’t even Hudson’s baby. It was mine, you ignorant bitch.”

Then my connection with Hudson was lost as all hell broke loose.

Celia’s skin went ashen.

Hudson’s face blazed with anger. “Goddammit, Jack.”

If I hadn’t been so dizzy from the accusations that had occurred before, then I would have been more of a participant in the scene. Instead, I was frozen, watching in horror as the secret unfolded at lightning speed.

“It’s my business to tell,” Jack said, “and I’m tired of this lingering lie.”

“It wasn’t a lie we told for you,” Hudson said.

“I never thought it was. It was to protect Celia’s ass. And I’m sure some of it was you protecting your mother’s feelings. Heaven knows why you care about how she feels when she obviously cares nothing for how you feel.”

“I don’t understand.” Sophia sank into the sofa.

It was Celia’s turn to be comforter. She sat next to Hudson’s mother. “Sophia, I’m so sorry. It was a mistake. I was drunk. It was a long time ago.”


Jack laughed. “You weren’t that drunk. And I know what you’re all thinking, but she seduced me, not the other way around.”

“Your baby wasn’t Hudson’s?” Sophia didn’t want to believe it. I could hear it in her tone.

Celia continued to plead for forgiveness.

Jack headed to the bar and began making a drink as he spoke to no one in particular. “Hudson stepped up because he knew her father would freak about the age difference, though Warren’s had some pretty young little mistresses himself. Granted, it’s different when it’s your daughter. Anyway, Hudson said he felt responsible for some reason or another. Never could figure that one out.”

He turned to face the room, glass in one hand, decanter in the other. “But I’ll tell you what, and I can’t prove any of this, but I’d bet my life that the whole thing was a set-up. She knew Hudson would claim that baby. That’s the only reason she came knocking on my door to begin with. To trap him.”

“That’s low, Jack,” Celia seethed.

“You’re one to talk.” I said it under my breath, not wanting to draw attention to myself.

She caught my words anyway. “Let’s not forget why we’re here. Not to discuss the past but to discuss Laynie’s future.”

“I think that topic is on hold for the moment.” Jack brought the glass of amber liquid to his wife.

Sophia took it from him, her hand shaking. “You and…Celia?”

“Don’t act so surprised. We haven’t been faithful to each other for years.”

Sophia took a long swallow of her drink. Then she stood and threw the rest of it in Jack’s face. “You coldhearted a*shole. I’ve always been faithful.”

Jack wiped bourbon from his eyes. “One word for you sweetheart—Chandler.”

“Chandler is yours. I don’t know why he doesn’t look like you. I’ll get a blood test to prove it if you want me to. And despite the myriad of affairs you’ve had over the years, I would never have thought you’d stoop so low to sleep with your son’s girlfriend.”

“She was never my girlfriend!” Hudson said at the same time his father said, “She was never his girlfriend!”

The scene had moved from shocking to uncomfortable.

Brian sidled up next to me. “Wow. This family is f*cked up.”

It was strangely comical, those words coming from my brother’s lips. Our own family with our alcoholic father and distant mother and me—the sister with a mental disorder—had always seemed the definition of f*cked up. The Pierces, though, made us look like the Brady Bunch.

I gave Brian a wry smile. “Tell me about it.”

Totally f*cked up. And why I was still there was beyond me.

So I left.

My hands shook the entire ride down the elevator. I didn’t know where I was going, only that I had to go. Hudson and I could work things out later when it was only the two of us. There was so much to sort through, but I knew in my heart of hearts that we were okay, that we were as connected as our eyes had been when we stood in the living room with chaos surrounding us.

I paused in the middle of the lobby, wondering if I should call Jordan for a ride. But where would I even go?

“Alayna!” Hudson called after me. He must have taken the other elevator down.

He’d noticed I was gone. It warmed some of the chill that had settled over me.

“Why did you leave?” he asked when he reached me.

“Isn’t it obvious? That was a madhouse and I didn’t want to be there anymore.”

“Yes, that it was.”

“I, um…” There was so much to say, but only one thing important to me—to us. “Why didn’t you defend me up there? Are you that mad about the David situation? It’s me supposed to be mad at you, remember?”

He met me with silence.

“Wait—” The truth burned into me with sickening certainty. “You believe her.”

His jaw twitched.

“Hudson?”

I’d thought—when our eyes had met, when we’d connected—I’d thought it had meant he was on my side. I’d been wrong. And it was like a knife to the gut.

Hudson put his hands on my arms, echoing the way his father had grasped me not fifteen minutes before. His touch felt…wrong. Cold where it was usually warm.

“I believe in you.” His voice was soft. “And whatever you need, I want to give it to you. If you need help—”

“Oh, my god, I can’t believe this.” I backed out of his grip. “I can’t f*cking believe this.”

Hudson clenched and unclenched his fists. “Tell me that you didn’t do it. Tell me you didn’t call her. Tell me you didn’t see her.”

But I couldn’t say that. I had called her. I had seen her. Even when I promised I wouldn’t. It was only my motive that was debatable and I couldn’t prove it.

I shook my head. “It’s not how it looks, Hudson. I didn’t stalk her or harass her or whatever she’s claiming.” I could go into details, explain everything. But it came down to the simple fact that either he believed me or he didn’t. “Are you on her side or mine?”

“I’m on your side. Always, your side.”

“Then you believe me?”

He stuck his hands in the pockets of his suit pants. “Did you call her?”

“Yes! I said I did upstairs!” I didn’t care that I was loud, didn’t care that the doorman was watching us. I pulled my phone from my bra and held it out toward him. “Here, you want to see? Take it! You’ll see all the times I called her since that’s what you seem to be concerned with.”

He ignored my outstretched hand. “I don’t want proof. I want to help you.”

“I don’t f*cking need any help!” I threw my phone across the lobby floor. It shattered against the wall.

For three seconds, I stared at the mess. It occurred to me that was happening inside me. My heart was shattering into a dozen pieces. So much for being able to let go of my past. It would always come back to haunt me.

I turned and ran—ran across the lobby and out the front door.

Hudson was right behind me. “Alayna, come back here.”

I kept running but I was no match for him, especially when I was wearing heels. He reached me before I’d passed the edge of the building, grabbing me at my wrist. “I’ll cancel my trip. We’ll find the best treatment—”

“I’m not sick.” I yanked my arm from his hold. “Go to Japan, Hudson. I don’t want to see you.”

“I’m not going to Japan now.” He was smooth, in control. Like always.

I began walking away. “Go to Japan,” I called over my shoulder. “I don’t want to see you for a while, if not ever. Got it? If you’re at the penthouse when I get home, I’ll find somewhere else to sleep and I don’t mean for just one night.”

He didn’t follow me. I couldn’t decide if that made things better or worse.

Better, probably. Because every part of me was in deep pain. And that kind of ache can only be suffered alone.

***

I rode the subway for a long time. I was lucky to get a seat before the rush hour crowd hit, and I stayed planted there on the E line all the way down to the World Trade Center. After a while, I switched to the A line and eventually ended up at Columbus Circle out of habit. I didn’t go to The Sky Launch though. I wandered over to the Walter Reade Theater at Lincoln Center and caught a foreign film. When it was over, I snuck into the next showing. Still, after having viewed it twice, I had no idea what I’d seen. My head—and heart—were too muddled for the subtitles.


I didn’t get back to The Bowery until after midnight. With my phone broken, I was out of touch. There was no way of knowing what I’d find there. Part of me hoped Hudson ignored me, that he’d be there waiting for me. But then I remembered what Lauren said about being willing to stand behind my conditions. If he was there, I’d have to leave, and as twisted and broken as I feared our relationship was, I wasn’t able to do that.

The penthouse was dark, the place quiet except for the sound of the grandfather clock. It felt so much like the first time I’d come in there in the middle of the night, except then things were new and the trepidation I had was fused with excitement. Now, I felt numb and empty. I knew without looking around that Hudson wasn’t there.

I made it halfway down the hall to the master bedroom when a light flipped on in the guest room.

“Laynie, is that you?”

It took several seconds to recover from the minor heart attack Brian had given me. “Yeah, it’s me.”

My brother came to the guest bedroom doorway wearing a white t-shirt and striped pajama bottoms. “Awesome. Are you okay?”

That was the question of the year. “I guess so.” I slumped against the wall and tilted my head. “What are you doing here?”

“Hudson said he had to go on some business trip, but he didn’t want to leave you alone. So he had some guy pick up my stuff from the Waldorf and moved me in.” He leaned his shoulder on the doorframe. “I hope you don’t mind that I’m here.”

“I’m actually kind of glad.” The words were out of my mouth before I realized I meant them. Having someone else around helped lessen the emptiness. And it warmed me that it had been Hudson who’d arranged it. Even with everything that had gone down I was still on his radar.

Brian crossed his arms over his chest. “Personally, I think he should have canceled his trip.”

“He probably should have. But I told him not to.” I slid down to the floor, too exhausted to stand anymore, but needing to get more information from my brother. “Anything interesting happen after I left?”

Brian moved out of the doorway and sat down on the floor across from me. “Not really. More of the same. Accusations and liquor. You know, a typical family party.”

He said it all tongue-in-cheek, but that was exactly what our family parties had been like growing up. At least, the liquor part. There was always lots of liquor.

“Hudson’s mother’s an alcoholic.” I wasn’t sure Brian had figured that out.

“Yeah, I picked up on that. She has that weird yellow skin thing that Dad had. And she was shaky when I first met her. Does she acknowledge it?”

“No. No one does. She’s a different drunk than Dad was, though.” Our dad had been a happy drunk. He’d talk too loud and laugh a lot. When we’d been little, we’d thought it was fun. It took growing older to realize what his antics did to our mother.

“How so?”

“She’s mean. Hateful. Vindictive. Bitter.” I paused. “Did I say mean?” I rubbed my hand over my eyes. “God, this baby thing is probably killing her.”

“Right? What a way to find out your husband cheated on you.”

“Not even because of that. Jack’s infidelity is old news. That he was with Celia is a surprise. I thought he had better taste than that.” Maybe that was why Hudson hated it when his father touched me. He was afraid Jack was after me, too. If Hudson had only told me the truth about Celia and his father, I could have tried harder to…

I let the thought die. It was no good thinking about the things Hudson hid from me. It only led back to the things I’d hidden from him. If we’d both been honest from the beginning, maybe we wouldn’t be in the mess we were in now.

“Anyway, I meant because Sophia was so set on that pregnancy being evidence of why Celia and Hudson should be together. Like, she brings it up all the time. Nearly ten years later, she’s still pining over this miscarriage. For this match that didn’t happen.”

Brian chewed on his lip, something he always did when he was concentrating. “You know what I think? I think she knew all the time that there’d been something between Celia and Jack. You know how you just know things like that sometimes. She probably thought if Celia was with Hudson, then maybe somehow that would punish Jack or maybe even help her win him back or something. It’s obvious she loves the guy.”

I leaned my head back against the wall. “That’s very insightful. You actually make me feel kind of sorry for the lady.” I scowled. “Stop it. I prefer hating her.”

Brian laughed and I felt lighter with the sound. It was good to hear him be something besides angry. He was like Sophia in so many ways. Hardened because of the things life had dealt him. He was the one I felt bad for. “I’m really sorry you got dragged into all of this.”

He nodded in acceptance of my apology. “I’m really sorry I haven’t been here for you.” He kept his eyes on his hands, his fingers playing with the drawstring to his PJs. “I guess I was wrong to cut you off like I did. It didn’t help you like I thought it would.”

“I hate to say this, but it was probably the best thing you could have ever done for me.” Funny thing about 20/20 hindsight. “Despite how it looks at the moment, I’ve been doing pretty well.”

“That’s exactly how it looks. Good job, good boyfriend…” He met my eyes. “I know you didn’t do those things that Celia says you did.”

My brows rose. “You do? How?”

Brian gave me a no-nonsense look. “First of all, calling and hanging up? That’s so not your style. You’re much more creative than that.”

I smiled genuinely at the strange compliment.

“Second, you’ve never messed with women. And, third, no matter what shit you’ve pulled, you’ve never denied it. That was one reliable thing about you—you were always willing to admit your mistakes. Plus, you look…good. You’ve never looked this good before. Not since they died, anyway.”

It was the look of feeling loved. That was the change in me. I wondered how long it would last. “Thank you, Brian. It means a lot to hear you say that.” More than he could possibly know.

But just because Brian believed me didn’t mean I was out of trouble. “So what do I do now, Mr. Lawyer?”

“About Celia Werner? Nothing. She doesn’t have anything to press charges for and she says she’s not pursuing a restraining order.”

“Because a restraining order would keep her from Hudson too.” I frowned. “As long as he’s with me, that is.”

“Is that why she’s saying all this stuff about you? Is she in love with him?” His question was tentative, as if he were afraid the subject would hurt me.

“Maybe. I’m not sure if she’s in love with him or if she wants to mess with him. People warned me not to trust her. It makes me wonder if she has a rep for doing shit like this. I’m not sure.”

“All I can suggest is to stay away from her now.”

“No kidding.” Actually, Celia’s scam had me wondering about her and Hudson in a different way. It couldn’t be entirely coincidental that they were friends and both of them had instances of manipulating people. More and more I believed they’d played their games together—as partners or as competitors, I didn’t know. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out.


“Oh.” Out of the blue I remembered what Brian was in town for to begin with. I dug into the purse still hanging loosely on my shoulder and found my old apartment key. “I need to give you this.” I held it up for him.

He leaned forward but stopped before he took it from me. “You sure you don’t want to keep it? I could sign another year lease. In case things don’t work out here.”

“Which is very possible at this point.” I flipped the key along its ring. It felt heavier than it should, and I wanted it out of my hands. At the same time, I had to be smart.

Brian studied me. “I told him, you know. Hudson. That I knew you didn’t stalk that girl.”

My eyes met his. “What did he say?”

“Nothing. He’s a very hard man to read.”

I let out the breath I’d been holding. “Yes, he is.” What had I expected? For Brian to convince Hudson of the truth and that everything would now be hunky-dory? Even if Brian had changed Hudson’s mind, would I be able to forgive Hudson for not believing me when I said I didn’t do it? Lauren had said that if I wanted to stay with him, there would have to be forgiveness. How much could I forgive?

In that painful moment, when I wanted Hudson back so bad that every fiber of my being ached with longing, I would have forgiven anything and everything. And that wasn’t necessarily the best thing for me.

Good thing he was out of the country. Hopefully I’d be stronger by the time he returned.

I leaned forward and dropped the key in Brian’s palm. “No. I don’t want another lease. I don’t want you taking care of me anymore. It’s time for me to do it myself. If things don’t work out here—” My voice caught and I had to swallow before I could go on. “I’ll have to get something cheaper. Which is fine. I could find some place closer to the subway. Maybe I’ll get a roommate or something.”

Brian nodded. He could tell that moving wasn’t what I wanted, but there wasn’t any point discussing it. What mattered was that I had options. I’d be okay.

We sat in comfortable silence for several minutes, before I got the strength to try to make it to bed. “I’m gonna go collapse now.”

Brian stood first and held his hand out to help me up.

“Goodnight, Bri.”

I was at the end of the hall when Brian called after me.

“Yeah?” I turned to look at him.

“Let’s not be like them, okay?”

He didn’t have to specify for me to know exactly what he meant. “You mean the hateful, spiteful, backstabbing family thing isn’t appealing to you?”

“Not really.”

I stared at him in the dim light. He seemed younger than usual, more boyish than I tended to think of him. A week before, I thought he was out of my life. Now he was asking not to be.

My smile was weak but sincere. “Then it’s settled. We won’t be like them.”

Without even undressing, I fell onto the much too large, much too lonely bed. Burying my sobs in the pillow that smelled the most like Hudson, I cried until dawn when sleep finally swallowed me in its welcome black void.