I watch as her shoulders sag, and she physically shrinks before me. Her face has paled, and her former look of disbelief has dissolved into shame.
“Ethan, I…” she lets herself fall like a ragdoll into the chair positioned across from the bed. Her sadness is palpable; she looks like a child in this scenario, not the parent. She raises her head and her eyes are red. “I can’t just leave him in here.”
The words fill the room from a whisper that hits me louder than if she’d screamed them into a megaphone. Only I’m not hearing, ‘I can’t leave him’ I’m hearing, ‘I can’t choose you.'
I snatch the letter from the bed, and I’m out of the door just in time to hear her cry. Good. Welcome to my life, Mom. I make it a whole ten feet before I feel the hot bite of a tear slide lazily down my cheek. I wipe furiously at my eyes.
I. Will. Not. Cry.
I repeat the words low under my breath as I navigate the maze of corridors all painted in the same sickly pale green, no doubt chosen by some sadistic prick that hates his job and thought it would be a fun game to make every corridor look exactly alike to completely confuse us poor assholes that have to walk them. I finally find my way to the main exit and race through the large sliding doors as if I’m being chased. Maybe I am. Perhaps I’m trying to outrun the worthlessness and rejection that seems to never be more than two steps behind me. I emerge into the parking lot and squint as the bright midday sun casts a blinding glow through the cloudless Arizona sky. The heat is causing the air to ripple before me, dancing in waves as the blistering gleams bounce from car to car, prompting me to shield my eyes. I can’t determine what hurts most: the dazzling light scorching my vision or the sting of holding back tears.
I’m pulling up outside Blair’s hotel as my cell vibrates. I reach down and retrieve it from my pocket to see she’s messaged me.
From: Princess
Text me when you arrive. Our room number is 102; I’ll come down to the lobby and meet you.
B xxx
I toss the driver a twenty and climb out of the cab. I had him pull over at an ATM on the way here. I run my hand through my hair and my wrist protests at the movement as I type out a reply with my good hand.
To: Princess
Outside now.
Ethan
I stare at the screen and debate whether or not to add kisses. I spend a few seconds putting way too much thought into it before deciding I’m a total douche and give myself a ‘man the hell up and find your balls’ pep talk. I hit send. Sans kisses. Obsess over it like a teenage girl at a Bieber concert and then send another text.
To: Princess
X
She’s already in the lobby by the time I’ve located my scrotum and made my way into the hotel.
“Hey you, how does it feel to be a free man?” she asks with a grin as I quicken my pace and stride towards her.
“Pretty good, actually.”
I come to a halt just inches from her, completely invading her personal space, but I don’t care about that at the moment. She’s wearing yoga pants and a white tank, her hair’s falling loose and wild across her shoulders and I’m close enough to smell the strawberry scent of what I’m guessing is her shampoo. It almost feels familiar. The reality of how close I’m standing dawns on me. My stance suggests that I’m about to greet her with a kiss, which I REALLY want to do, but I feel awkward. She’s staring at me expectantly and I’m frozen. I don’t know how to act in this situation. I know what I want to do, but as much as I want to grab and touch and kiss her until our lips are numb, I’m painfully aware of the fact that she knows I don’t remember her, and I somehow feel like it would be taking advantage. I don’t want her to think that I expect I can do whatever the hell I want to her because she’s my girlfriend.
“Don’t overthink it, Ethan,” she smirks and I narrow my gaze.
“Overthink what?”
“If you should kiss me or not. You definitely should.”
“Um, I wasn’t thinking about kissing you.” I wrinkle my nose and watch the color flood her creamy cheeks. The asshole in me loves that I can make her blush. Her eyes widen and she begins to stutter something before taking a step away and I lunge forward catching her around the waist.