I shivered. This was torture. Pure and simple.
“I can tell you everything that happened whenever you want or need to hear it, but none of it matters. I can’t change it. I can’t go back and do anything differently. But there are some things you don’t know that you need to know.” Jack’s hand on my hair burrowed in, loosening the bun that was already coming unbound, and massaged my scalp. His other roamed up and down my spine.
I took a calming breath, trying to keep my head while I rode this out. I could so do this.
Jack moved his lips closer to my ear lobe, and my pulse hiked up another level. He swallowed, audibly. “Let’s start with something I never told you before. I, Jack Eversea, am … utterly in … love … with you, Keri Ann Butler.”
I froze, my breath ceasing to function normally. No. He was not doing this, throwing around the “L” word like I was young enough and dumb enough for it to be a cure-all. A magic bullet to diffuse a situation. I ground my teeth. Oh my God, if I survived this encounter, it would be a miracle.
Hysteria swirled in me, making me nauseous and lightheaded. I could laugh in his face. That would throw him. I wrenched my head away from his, grabbing his upper arms and held him at bay, needing to see his face as disjointed feelings and reactions boiled inside me.
His piercing green eyes held nothing but sincerity in them.
“You knew me for ten damn days,” I spewed. “And you haven’t seen me for months. When did you decide that, Jack? Was it when you were thinking with your dick before you fucked me? Or did you just suddenly decide it, since you’ve seen me again? How romantic.”
He flinched at my words. Shocked?
Damn, I was shocked. Shocked at my words and angry as hell. Angry that he thought he could use me again.
“It was never a decision, Keri Ann,” Jack said harshly and shook his head.
Moments ticked by and his expression cycled through confusion and emotions I couldn’t read. Didn’t want to read.
His mouth became a grim line. “You don’t … decide … to stand in front of someone one day and have them splinter you apart by just looking at you.”
My throat felt thick.
He swallowed. “And I didn’t fuck you. Believe me, I’ve done enough fucking …”
I flinched.
“… to know the difference.”
I licked my lips, trying to find moisture.
His eyes dropped down.
My back was against the counter, I had nowhere to step back to. My mind failed to remember what I wanted to say to him. “You’ll forgive me if I have trouble believing you. Did you manage to remember that you ‘loved’ me,” I made air quotes, “while you were cavorting around England with every girl who crossed your path? Did you think I wouldn’t see that, or didn’t you care if I did?”
“That’s not what it—”
“I mean who are you right now, Jack?” I didn’t want to hear his excuses. “Are you the actor who’s playing the part of the good guy? Are you trying to do the right thing now? Because I don’t need it. I don’t need you.” I took a deep breath and tilted my chin up, staring him in the eyes, ignoring how upset he looked, with his jaw tight, his shoulders rigid, and his bottom lip white as he worked it repeatedly with his teeth. “I may want you,” I said, emphasizing the word and pausing. It was a word he’d used with me, a word that had ultimately led me to kiss him. But a word that should simply mean an attraction and nothing else, that shouldn’t have led to anything else. “I may want you and be attracted to you, but I don’t need you—”
“Let’s work with that. You ‘want’ me. That’s a good start. We can’t go back, so let’s start again. Just give us a place to start. Give me a place to start.”
I held onto his upper arms, feeling their heat, their strength, rock hard under my fingers, and I drew on that strength to do what needed to be done. “It’s not a start, Jack. It’s what got this all so messed up in the first place. I’m attracted to you, sure. So is probably everyone you’ve ever met. It’s how you’re made. But that’s neither here nor there.”
“That’s not all you think of me. I know it isn’t.”
“It doesn’t matter if I have real feelings or not—”
“It does. It means everything.”
“No. It. Doesn’t.” I cast my eyes away from his and his arms tensed under my hands. I couldn’t look at him while I said this. “Since it turns out I didn’t really know you at all, I’m going to assume I was just like every other girl who’s ever fallen into your bed. Maybe it was the idea of you. The part you played with me. The Jack I knew then wouldn’t have deliberately hurt me … maybe I never felt real things for you. How could I when I’m not sure who you are?”
I looked back up at him and faltered a moment at his expression. Even the flush on his cheekbones had leeched away. Complete and utter devastation. I’d thought for a second that he wouldn’t believe me. I barely believed me. That was a seriously low blow and not like me.