It’s your family. I’m just borrowing it, Lily.
You’re not borrowing. You’re a part of it.
Rowan squeezed her hand reassuringly, but he didn’t answer her in mindspeak. Something had been bothering him all day. Lily waited until after everyone had eaten their fill and gone to bed to bring it up again.
Rowan? Are you still awake?
Yes.
Lily went downstairs and found Rowan transferring the salve they had made from the cauldron into little pots. She joined him and silently began to help.
It came out very well, Lily. You’re getting better at potions.
I still don’t know what the heck I’m doing without you talking me through every step, though.
They finished up with the cauldron in silence. Lily could feel Rowan growing tenser with each second. When he finally had nothing else to distract him, she faced him with a determined look.
“What’s the matter with you?” she asked, keeping her voice down so she didn’t wake her mom.
“You’re hiding something from me,” he answered accusingly, his whisper coming out clipped and harsh.
“Yes, I am,” she admitted. “Aren’t I allowed to keep a few things to myself?”
“Not this.” His dark eyes narrowed until they looked completely black. “I killed Gideon for imprisoning you in the oubliette. Now I need to know why I’m going to kill my brother. I need to know what Carrick did to you down there.”
Lily held her breath, her mind racing. If she gave him this, he’d never suspect what she was really hiding. She couldn’t believe she was willing to relive even one second of her torture in Purgatory Chasm in order to protect Lillian, but given the choice, she knew what her answer had to be.
“Only a little?” she whispered. “I don’t think I can take any more than that.”
Rowan nodded and stepped closer to her, his face softening.
Show me, Lily.
… The cold and dark go on forever. I shiver so spasmodically that my body aches. I think I must have been sleeping a moment ago, but something woke me. I sit up—panic giving me strength. It was the rope. The rope creaked. He’s coming. I know it’s Carrick. Gideon always announces himself, like I’m looking forward to seeing him or something. But Carrick sneaks down, like he knows what he’s doing is wrong. I call out to him. He doesn’t answer, but I know he’s there. I start to bargain with him. I offer him things. Silly things. Important things. Anything. He ignores me. My words, my body, my promises mean nothing to him. All he wants is to hold my power in his hands. I’m crying, but I’m so dehydrated no tears fall. Just racking sobs that hurt more than proper crying would. Please, not that. Please. Don’t touch my three little hearts. He hears me, I know he hears me because I’m screaming now. He picks up my willstones anyway. I hit the bars of my cell with my fists. I wail and shriek. I beg. God help me, I beg. The searing pain will end eventually, but the violation never will. Never. I hate you. I hate you. I hate me …
“Stop,” Rowan whispered.
“Had enough?” Lily said cruelly, wiping at her streaming eyes. She wanted to punish him for making her go through that again, even though a tiny voice in the back of her head kept saying she deserved it. She felt disgusted, but not with Carrick. With herself. Lily pushed Rowan away from her, shoving hard against his chest.
“It’s okay, Lily,” Rowan said, capturing her wrists in his hands and drawing her against him. “It’s not your fault.”