“You don’t deserve her,” Ian ground out. The bitterness edging his voice had Ryan gritting his teeth. “You never did.”
“Who do you think you are to talk about what I do or don’t deserve? You know nothing about my life and you know nothing about Fin’s!” Jealous rage leaked wildly into his system, and he couldn’t fight against it; he was too worn out, and his heart too broken. “She might have loved you once, but she was never yours. She always belonged to me!”
“That’s your fault!” Ian cried out, jabbing his finger as he took a step towards Ryan. “You were always there! Even after you left, you were always there between the two of us. God knows I tried, but you had your fucking hold on her and she couldn’t—”
“Will you both stop!” Julie cried out, appearing in the doorway pale and shaken. “Now is not the time or the place. Ian, if you came here to start a fight, you can leave right now. Come back when you’ve cooled off. And Ryan…” Julie turned to look at him, disappointment clouding her eyes “…I thought better of you than this.”
Ryan flinched, her words a whiplash.
“Julie.” Ian gave a short nod. “I’ll come back later,” he told her and with a final, bitter glance at Ryan, he turned and strode from the room.
“I’m sorry,” Ryan murmured.
“Don’t. I shouldn’t … You’re not yourself. I get that.”
“That guy always brings out the worst in me.”
Julie walked over to Fin’s bed. She brushed gently at Fin’s soft hair, tucking it behind her ears with so much love in her eyes it hurt to watch. “And Fin always brought out the best in you.”
After hesitating, he said, “Sometimes I wish that I had—”
“I know what you’re going to say, Ryan, and don’t. You both had your own growing to do, you especially.” Julie stopped stroking Fin’s hair to look at him. “Neither of you were ready for what everyone could see between the two of you. You did what you thought was best at the time by leaving. You needed to do that, for yourself, but then you did it again, Ryan, and that didn’t just hurt Fin, okay?”
“Julie, I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologising. That’s not why I’m telling you this.”
“Then why?”
“Because you’ve always been our son. We’ve always loved you. You see how much you want the best for Fin, how you want her to have everything? We want that for her too, but we feel the same way about you. We want that for you as well.” Julie’s eyes were firm, her jaw set determinedly as though expecting him to deny her words. “Stop trying to be a hero all the time. You’re so busy saving everyone else you forget about yourself.”
Turning to look back out the window, Ryan tucked his hands into his pockets. “Saving people is my job.”
Julie sighed loudly. “That’s not what I meant.”
Ryan stared at his reflection. He looked like hell. Fitting, considering that’s where he was. “I know what you meant. Leaving Fin was a mistake. I know that now.”
After his wounds were re-bandaged and more pain meds administered, Ryan found himself in the neonatal unit, staring down at his son. At just five pound six ounces, his boy was tiny, but “a real fighter,” the nearby nurse told him with a happy grin.
“His mother is too,” Ryan murmured softly, his eyes taking in every inch of the soft skin, huge brown eyes, and thick, silky cap of dark hair.
The nurse came over to his side, looking between the two of them. “He’s all you.”
Ryan tried to smile up at her, but he couldn’t force his eyes away. “Poor little guy.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” she said as she picked up a chart and began scribbling. “Besides, he’s probably his mother on the inside.”
Ryan looked up swiftly then, his eyes wide as they focused on her. “You think so?”
“Of course,” she replied firmly. “This one is a real sweetie. We all fight over who gets to hold him.” She smiled again, full force, before tucking the chart away and pressing a button on the crib. “You ready to hold him?”
He panicked at the thought. What if he got all tangled in the tubes and dropped him? “I …” Ryan hesitated. “What’s that tube through his nose? Is that … can I …”
She waved a hand at him casually, brushing off his question. “That’s just the feeding tube. It’ll come out in a few days. He’s just in here until we know he’s going to be safe against infection, that’s all. He’s doing just fine.”
She slid her hands beneath his son’s neck and bottom, lifting him with practiced ease. Ryan watched her hold his son out towards him, and he took hold, his movements awkward and hesitant. Eventually settled in his arms and the nurse satisfied Ryan wasn’t going to panic, she walked away, other tiny little patients demanding her attention.