There was more silence on the other end as he processed the words and realised what they meant. Moving to the other side of the country for a four year research program was hard enough. Doing it alone and pregnant was impossible. How could he have managed in one brief moment to do the one thing he’d tried to avoid from the moment they met?
“I fucked up,” he growled, furious with himself. “Baby,” he whispered thickly. Turning around, he pressed his forehead against the wall as agony tore him in two. “You’ve had to give up your future because I couldn’t keep my fucking hands off you!”
“No!” she cried out. “Don’t. Please. Our whole lives you’ve pushed aside your own feelings to always do what you thought was best for me. You think that if you can give me the future Kassidy never had, then maybe you can forgive yourself for what happened, but it doesn’t work that way. You keep forgetting about yourself. You have to stop doing that, Ryan. Stop fighting what’s in your heart. Maybe if you do, you’ll realise there’s nothing to forgive.”
“There’s everything to forgive! Don’t you see? I keep letting down the people I love. Somehow I keep doing it and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how …” Dragging in a breath, he banged his forehead against the wall.
“Ryan,” Fin said, her voice thick with tears. “You haven’t let me down. You haven’t let anyone down. This baby, our baby, it’s not the future that was planned, but I want this so much. I know it’s a shock, believe me I know, but you’re going to be a daddy in three months and—”
“Three months?” he cut her off. Doing the calculations in his head, he said, “That means your six months pregnant, Fin.”
“I know,” she replied and he could hear the smile in her voice.
“When did you find out?”
“The day you left,” she said softly.
The realisation hit him like a punch to the gut. “You were coming to tell me, weren’t you?”
“Yes. I didn’t want to tell you over the phone, or have you hear it through someone else. Ryan ...” She exhaled deeply. “I’m going to be having this baby before you’re home, so telling you this way, there was no other choice.”
“I waited for you,” he whispered, remembering the need to see her one last time before he left. “I kept looking for you until the moment I stepped on the plane.”
“You didn’t tell me when you were leaving.”
“I thought it was best. I didn’t want you upset. Since Jake …” He swallowed, his throat tight. “There’s been so many tears. I hate seeing you upset, and I hate that I can’t do anything about it. I’m so far away and I don’t know what to do.”
“Ryan,” she breathed.
He closed his eyes, wanting her in his arms, so much that he said, “I miss you,” with a tremble in his voice. “Are you okay? I mean … healthy? You and the baby?”
“We’re fine. It’s scary and lonely, but it’s exciting, Ryan, and amazing feeling a life growing inside you. It’s so hard to explain.”
Pain ripped through his chest. Fin was his fucking heart and he’d left her scared and alone. “I’m glad you’re both okay,” he choked out, tears burning his eyes.
“Don’t be upset. Be happy, please? You’re going to be a daddy, Ryan.”
“I’m going to be a daddy,” he repeated, the words yet to sink in.
Fin chuckled softly and his grip tightened on the phone at the sound. “Hang on,” she told him. He heard her say something softly to Kyle before coming back on the phone. “Sorry.”
“I should go.”
“Ryan … I need to know you’re okay.”
“This isn’t about me right now. You need to think of yourself, and our baby.”
“I worry about you.”
Hearing the fear in her voice was killing him. “You don’t need to be doing that, okay? Just … keep in touch. Tell me how you’re doing, how our baby is doing. Be safe.”
“You too, Ryan.”
Hanging up the phone, Ryan slid down the wall, buried his head in his hands and cried.
A light tap came at the door. Ryan looked up, blinking hard. Monty stood in the doorway, freshly showered and rubbing a towel over the back of his head. Ryan grimaced. He needed a shower himself. After a hard day’s training he was covered in dirt and dried sweat.
“You okay?” Monty asked, brows furrowed.
Ryan swiped a hand across his face, and it came away with a layer of grime. “I don’t know.”
Monty tossed the towel in the direction of the desk as he walked into the room. Taking a seat across from where Ryan sat on the floor, Monty rested his elbows on his knees and looked at him. “What’s going on?”
“Fin’s having a baby.” He couldn’t stop the smile that began to spread wide across his face. “I’m going to be a dad.”
Monty’s eyes lit up as he sprang out of the chair. Grabbing Ryan’s hand, he launched him upwards and into a brief, hard hug. “Shit, mate. Congrats.” The smile still on his lips, Monty pulled back and tilted his head in question. “I didn’t realise that you two were … uh …”
“Hell.” Ryan ran fingers through his hair as he started to pace. “We weren’t. It wasn’t planned. She was supposed to be taking on a four year research program in Sydney, but now she’s not.” He stopped and looked Monty in the eye. “I fucked that up for her.”