“I’m going to have a shower,” Fin mumbled when they walked through the front door.
Ryan let her go without a word and headed for the kitchen. Reaching into the top cupboard, he grabbed the bottle of scotch and a glass. As he slammed the door shut, a piece of paper fluttered down from above the cupboards and landed on the floor. Picking it up, he sat it on the bench as he poured out a glass and tossed back the contents. It burned his throat going down, and warmth spread across his chest. As he poured another, his eyes fell to the slip of paper. Sipping at his drink, Ryan snatched it up and unfolded it. He scanned the page quickly, and before he sat down to read it again, this time more carefully, he tossed back the second drink and poured another.
By the time Fin padded softly into the kitchen in a simple singlet and panties, her damp hair falling over her shoulders, he hadn’t moved. She looked at him and then at the bit of paper in his hands.
“What’s that?”
Ryan handed it over wordlessly.
“Oh,” she murmured and folded it back up as though it meant nothing.
“Please tell me you accepted it.”
“Of course I didn’t.”
Ryan slammed his glass down hard on the breakfast table, anger flashing in his eyes. “This is your dream,” he ground out. “An opportunity to do your PhD at the Climate Change Research Centre. This is years of work, Fin. A chance to complete your thesis and be able to carry out your own original research. This is everything you’ve ever worked for!”
The bit of paper crumpled in her clenched fist. “Don’t tell me what it is. I already know.”
“Then why aren’t you going?”
“Because it’s four goddamn years on the other side of the country!” she yelled. “I’m not leaving you!”
“You are,” he roared back as he stood up. “Because I’m already going and when I come back—”
“I’ll be right here, waiting for you,” she shouted over the top of him. “It’s a thesis for God’s sake, Ryan. You’re my life! Every moment with you is one I won’t give up for anything, or anyone.”
“I can’t be your goddamn life! What happens to you if I’m not here?”
She froze, her body still as her heart splintered into pieces at the very thought. “The same thing that happens to you if I’m not.”
“No.” He jabbed his finger in her chest. “You can’t say shit like that.”
“I’m not leaving!” she shouted.
“You’re acting like you have a choice, but you don’t!” he roared back. “You’re going. I won’t let you put your life on hold for me.”
“Ryan—”
He cut her off. “You’ll accept the research program. If you can’t go for yourself, go for Jake.”
“That’s not fair!” she yelled, her eyes burning with tears.
“When it comes to this, I can’t fight fair, baby.”
Ryan strode towards the couch, grabbing his jacket from where he’d flung it so casually when they walked through the front door.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going out.”
“Fine!” she yelled. “Go!”
Ignoring her, he picked up his keys and strode down the hallway. She stood there, her chest heaving with so much anger she couldn’t see straight. Why couldn’t he see how much more important he was to her right now? Her thesis could wait, it wasn’t going anywhere. She needed to be here.
As he opened the door, he looked over his shoulder. “When I come back from Afghanistan, I don’t want you here. I don’t …” He paused and took a deep breath. “I’ve always said to you not to let anyone stop you from being who you need to be, and that includes me.”
The door slammed hard behind him.
“Damn you, Ryan!” she shrieked. She grabbed his glass of scotch and threw it hard down the hall. As it shattered against the back of the front door, the world started to fade out.
“Oh please,” she whispered. “No. Not again.”
Lurching backwards, she reached out to hang onto something, but her hands only grabbed air. Her head cracked hard against the table as she went down; the bright burst of pain was the last thing she felt before blackness overwhelmed her.
Ryan stood on the front porch dragging air deep into his lungs. There was something uncontrollable inside him that wanted to beg her not to go. If he’d stayed in there a second longer he would have. He wanted her right here waiting for him when he returned, and all that did was make him a selfish, fucked up asshole. Asking her to stay was something he wouldn’t allow himself to do.
Why was it so hard to be normal? He was so tired of trying to pretend he could be the man she deserved. Ryan ran both hands over his face, fighting with all his strength not to open that door and plead for her to never, ever leave him.