“Cade . . .”
“I know how different we are. I know that I’m not your normal type. But I also know that you’re attracted to me.” His hand came up to my cheek, and my traitorous body greedily accepted his touch. “I know that you make me laugh, and that I love hearing your voice, especially when you sing. I know that I haven’t stopped thinking about you since the day you sat down beside me at that coffee shop.” If I was honest, that was probably true for me, too. “And I know that I hate seeing you in pain, more than anything else in the world.”
“Cade . . . I just can’t.”
I tried to pull away, but his other hand came up to my face, and he held me firm.
“Why?”
“I’ll hurt you.”
“I’ll take my chances.”
I pushed away, and this time he let me go. I pointed up toward the hill where we’d spent the last several hours. “Don’t you see who I am? What I cause? I’m poison.”
His expression turned angry, “You are not poison, Max.”
I shook my head, and hated that I was fighting not to cry again.
“I am. I ruin everything good that comes into my life. It all rots around me, and you would be exactly the same way.”
“You’re wrong. You couldn’t ruin me, because everything about you makes me better. You make me take chances and make bolder choices. You make me less concerned with being perfect and more concerned with being real. You make me want to be fearless.”
The closer he came, the more nervous I got, and I was fighting the temptation to run. “Would you stop saying that? I told you before. I’m not fearless! I’m the complete opposite. I am filled with fear every day of my life, and it chokes me until I can’t move or breathe or think without it taking over. It doesn’t matter how much time passes, I still feel like I’m hanging upside down in that seat with the world crumbling around me.” I couldn’t catch my breath. All the walls I’d built over the years had been torn down when I’d told him about Alex, and now there was nothing to keep all the emotions from flooding me.
“I know you’re not fearless, but I don’t think you let fear rule you as much as you think you do. You fight for your dreams. You don’t take shit from anyone. You were brave enough to be yourself, even in front of your parents. You are the most vibrant, beautiful thing I have ever seen.”
He stood in front of me, and one of his hands slid inside his coat to rest on the small of my back. Energy crackled between us, and his forehead pressed against mine.
“Close your eyes. Remember what we talked about that night after your concert? Living is hard. It was hard when you were thirteen, it’s hard today, and it will be hard again in the future. So, you close your eyes and you breathe. Breathe with me.”
I was shaking, but I felt stronger with him in front of me, his gentle breaths fanning across my lips. I breathed until the weight of the world seemed easier to manage. Maybe that was just because I wasn’t holding it alone.
I admitted, “I’m so afraid.”
“I know you are. But fear lets us know we’re alive. It tells me that you care about what happens between us because the mind doesn’t waste time being scared about things that don’t matter.”
“Now open your eyes, Max. You are not poison. I am not better off without you. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t have feelings for me.”
I looked him in the eye, but I couldn’t say that, because it wasn’t true.
“Then that’s all I need. We both have baggage, Max, but I’m done letting it control me. You said you came here for closure, and I think that’s what we both need. We’ve had too much death and disappointment, so we don’t know how to accept the good things when they happen to us. I’m done with that. I’m done with letting people go.”
I was happy that he was battling his demons, but I’d been fighting mine all day, and I wasn’t sure I could face another. I said, “You don’t understand. Yes, I have feelings for you.” His lips spread into a smile, and it almost derailed my thoughts. I pulled my face away from his and continued, “It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, leaving you. But I know myself. I know how I work, and that’s why I don’t trust myself to be with you. My heart is fickle and inconstant, and I’m terrified I’ll wake up one day and feel differently.”
He smiled sadly and said, “I think you’re terrified that you won’t.”