She shuddered, and her breath came out choppy. She pressed a hand to her chest, like she was physically holding her heart inside her body. I couldn’t go another second sitting here doing nothing. I scooted closer and put my hand over the one on her heart. She laced our fingers, and pressed our combined fists hard into her skin.
“My vision went black for a few seconds from the pressure of slamming into my seat belt. I was hanging upside down, and my skin was slicked with blood from all the glass in my skin. I saw her shoe again, and I started screaming. I don’t remember if it was words or just noise, but my sister was out there. No matter how I twisted and pulled, I couldn’t get my seat belt to come undone. I stopped struggling and started twisting to see if I could spot Alex anywhere through any of the windows. I looked out the side window, and I could just see her bright pink sweatshirt and this mound that had to be her body. She wasn’t moving, and I screamed her name as loud as I could. I screamed it again and again, and I kept waiting for her to move or for the guy from the other car to come find her or for anyone to come help. But no one came. I didn’t know it at the time, but the guy who hit us ran into a tree, and he died, too. I didn’t have a cell phone because Mom had taken it away, and I didn’t know where Alex’s was. I kept screaming and crying for Alex for I don’t know how long, but I was the only living thing for miles. I don’t know how long it was before someone came along. When they did, my throat was raw, my vision was spotty, and it felt like someone was squeezing my head as hard as they could. And I knew my sister was dead.”
I pulled her into my arms, and she cried until the events of the morning disappeared, until the present took a backseat to the past. And until I knew I couldn’t live without her.
40
Max
I felt hollowed out. Like all the pieces of me that I’d been holding together for years had poured out of my skin. Those pieces were broken and jagged and had torn me up for far too long. It was good they were gone, but now I was empty.
I’d never told anyone that story in its entirety. I told the EMTs what they needed to know, and the therapists what they wanted to hear. I still couldn’t quite believe that I’d told Cade. I was too afraid to look at his face, to see the knowledge of who I was in his eyes. I concentrated instead on his heartbeat, strong and steady beneath my cheek. All the things my life had never been. I needed something steady, because I wasn’t through yet. If I really wanted closure, really wanted to let this all go, there was more.
The morning had become noisy with the singing and droning of insects, and I whispered above it, “I wished it was me that died. That’s why I kept coming back here. I was the one who didn’t fit, who didn’t work. Alex was the good one, and it should have been me. “
Cade took me by the arms and pushed me away from his chest. “What happened to your sister and to you was terrible. It was a tragedy that I wish you’d never had to face, but don’t ever say it should have been you. You lived, and despite suffering a tragedy that would have crippled many people, you became a strong, beautiful, talented woman.”
I didn’t wish that it had been me anymore. Well, not very often anyway. But I was too raw to listen to his praise right now.
I wiped my eyes, stretched my limbs, and tried not to look at him.
The sun was moving high overhead, and I felt like it was shining light on all my secrets, all my flaws, even that dark, hidden thorn at the back of my heart.
“You get it now, don’t you? Why I pushed you away?”
The wind was wreaking havoc on my hair, and he reached out and brushed some of it back and over my shoulder.
“I think I’ve gotten it for a while, Max.”
I took a deep breath, thinking maybe this would be easier than I had anticipated.
“So you understand? That’s good. We should call and see if we can move your flight to Texas up. You can go be with your family, and I’ll try to fix what I’ve done to mine.”
I hopped down off the rock, and he followed.
“Max, I’m not going anywhere unless you come with me.”
There he went, sacrificing his own needs for mine. Maybe it was a mistake to let him see me like this. He was so empathetic that he felt the need to help every person in pain.
I turned, heading for the trail, but he grabbed my wrist to stop me. “I’ll be okay, Cade. I can handle my parents.” At least, I hoped I could.
I went to pull away, but he just pulled me around to face him completely. He was so close, and my body had a mind of its own. I swayed toward him.
“I’m not staying because I think you need me. I’m staying because I want to. I told you last night that I would prove you wrong, and this”—he gestured to the hill in front of us—“doesn’t change anything.” His brown eyes shone bright and sincere. “I should have come after you when you left that night, and I won’t make the mistake of letting you go again.”
I closed my eyes. How could one sentence make me miserable and joyful at the same time?
Mournfully, I said, “No you shouldn’t have.”
He flinched, but he kept going. “There are some things that are worth fighting for, no matter the outcome, and you are one of them.”