“What are you talking about? What’s going on with Ryan?”
Not sure where to begin, I just start rambling uncontrollably, and I’m sure I’m not making any sense. “He kissed me, and I kissed him back. We’ve been sleeping next to each other. He told me he wants to be with me, and I foolishly agreed. Now we’re back home, and he wants me to spend the night at his place. And I just have no clue what the hell I’m doing. And you’re not here. And I’m freaking out. And . . .”
“Whoa, you have to slow down,” he cuts me off. “Go back. He kissed you?”
“Uh huh.”
“What happened?”
“It was late Christmas night. We were lying down, and it just sort of happened. I don’t know. We just kissed, then we fell asleep together.”
“Well, how did you feel when you woke up?”
“Really confused. I mean, I know we’ve been hanging out a lot, but I feel like I don’t know a whole lot about him. And then everything Mark told me about all the girls started freaking me out.”
“But he told you he wants to be with you?”
“Yeah, we went to the beach, he just came out and told me, and then I agreed with him. We ended up sleeping together again. And then his mother was insinuating that he’s talked to her about me in the past, and that kinda intimidates me.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean? You know I have zero experience with this shit. I have no clue what I’m getting myself into. I have never felt this way about anyone before, and I’m scared.”
“What are you scared of?”
“Everything. He hasn’t done anything more than kiss me, but what happens when he wants to do something else? Knowing what Mark told me, I feel like I just can’t handle this. I’m scared he’s going to touch me, and then what?”
“Ryan doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who would push you.”
“What? How do you know?”
“Because, he told me how he feels about you.”
“What?!” I squeal out. “When?!”
“He called me Christmas Eve to tell me what happened with your parents. He told me that he’s been having feelings for you for a while and wanted to know if he was wasting his time.”
“What did you say?”
“I told him I thought he should tell you. But I told him not to fuck with you if he wasn’t serious, that you’ve been dealing with a lot, and that I didn’t want to see you get hurt.”
I’m shocked. My heart is racing, and I don’t know what to say.
“Candace?”
“Yeah, I’m here. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’m telling you now.”
“Don’t joke with me, Jase.”
“Because if I told you, you would have never let this happen. You would have completely shut him out, and you need to start living again.”
“I have been living.”
“You’ve been existing. There’s a big difference.”
His words cut into me. I can continue to make excuses, but I know he’s right. Tears well up in my eyes, and when I sniff, Jase is right there with me.
“Don’t cry, Candace.”
“I’m scared.”
“I know. But it’s okay to feel that way. You have to feel this. You have to start opening yourself up again.”
“Am I going to lose you?” Wow, that came out of nowhere. But, I have been thinking a lot about what will happen after this year. Plus he’s with Mark now. What if Mark gets a job out of state? Will Jase go with him? What if Jase gets a job out of state? And where will I get a job?
“Never. I promise.”
“I want you to come home.”
“Two more days. Don’t cry. It’ll be fine.”
“Okay.”
When I hang up the phone, I take a deep breath and pull myself together. I throw a load of laundry in and repack my bag before heading out to work. I try not to think too much about all the possible outcomes of what I am getting myself into. I like Ryan, and Jase’s reassurance gives me the push I need to move forward, to try to open up to him. That’s all I can really do—just try.
Chapter Twenty-Four
––––––––
It’s a little past midnight when I pull into Ryan’s driveway. The lights are on up on the second floor. I grab my bag, walk to the side of the building, and up the flight of stairs that lead to his front door. I stand there for a while and think about what Jase told me earlier. Based on what he said, I shouldn’t be nervous about Ryan, but I am.
Aside from everything else, this is new to me. The guy I dated in high school hardly counts as a relationship. We barely even knew each other, and he didn’t care enough about me to really even pay much attention to me. It was a relationship of convenience; he served as a distraction from my home life, and that’s it. Aside from graduation night, we never had much of a physical relationship. I am completely inexperienced, and I know it. The fact that I am almost twenty-three makes it even more embarrassing.
I am startled when Ryan opens the door.
“What are you doing out here?” he asks.