“We’re okay,” I tell him. Her hand is still wrapped around mine.
“Elania, how are you?” he asks her point blank.
She shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head. I watch as a tear rolls down her cheek. He hands her a box of tissues and says, “I can see this is hard for you, especially with everything that has happened. But I want you to know that Nate cares very deeply for you, so I’m going to ask that you trust in me today, so we can begin to see if you and Nate can have a future together. I’ve been doing this a long time.” She nods her head at him in agreement and my heart sinks. I just feel terrible for putting us in this situation. “Now, Nate has agreed to do whatever we decide for him regarding treatment and that is an enormous sacrifice.”
She looks at me and I rub away one of her tears.
“Elania, Nate told me what happened to bring you guys to this point. But I’d like to get your version?”
She recaps everything, even as hard as it is. Doing this gets her talking. It’s not easy, I can clearly tell, but she loosens up to Roger.
“Then, last night I read online that PTSD sufferers often lie to protect themselves from ever getting hurt again. Do you think that’s what Nate does?”
“Absolutely it’s what he does. Would you agree, Nate?”
“Yeah,” I admit, knowing how horrible it sounds.
“Why?” she asks so confused. “I mean, I could see him being controlling or something like that, because he lost his control, but he’s not.”
“Elania, PTSD affects people differently. For Nate, this is how it’s affected him. Some people lash out in fits of rage. But for Nate, he just needs to protect himself at all costs. He often tries to put others first, to make himself think he’s doing the right thing. But he’s not helping himself.”
“I want Nate to put himself first,” she says looking right at me.
“I’m gonna try,” I whisper.
“Good. Now I haven’t told Nathaniel yet what my idea is, so please bear in mind that he might not like it. And Nathaniel, please remember that you’ve agreed to do whatever Elania and I recommend.”
“And I will,” I tell them. My stomach is a mess – giving my fate over to someone else is so hard.
“For a person with PTSD, to really move past it, they have to conquer their fears, often by reliving their past. Many times it can help to face what happened to them, so they can really put it behind them.” I tense, already knowing what he is going to say. Elania places a second hand over mine. “There is a thirteen-week program at the local VA where veterans go and live to face what happened to them and to learn new coping skills. During this time, there is very limited contact with friends and family, and I’ll be honest with you two, there is only about a forty percent graduation rate. But for those that complete the course, the transformation is night and day. I think this is what Nathaniel needs.”
I fly up out of the seat and begin pacing the room. I can’t be put away somewhere: away from my life, work, family, and El for over three months. “Talk to us,” Roger says to me.
“I can’t do that. Anything else, Roger, but being put away.”
He laughs and it pisses me off. I stop and turn towards him. The anger burns so bad that I want to snap.
“Nate, no one is putting you away. You can leave at any time you choose. The completion of this program is solely up to you. I’ve been working with you for over a year and have done everything that I can for your PTSD. I think this is the best option for a jumpstart to get you to your ultimate goal of a healthy relationship with Elania.”
I look at Elania. She’s looking down at the ground, hurt by my reaction. She can’t even bear to look at me. Causing her pain is the last thing in the world that I want. Another tear rolls down her cheek and lands on her pants.
As I watch the droplet spread into the fabric, my decision is made. “I’ll do it.” For her I’ll do anything.
She looks at me right away and I know that this is what I have to do. Even if it scares me to death. I have to do this. I cannot let her down. I love her and I’m not gonna risk losing her.