I looked at Jack in my darkened living room. He was still standing awkwardly and soaking wet, but now trying to dry himself over his wet clothes. He should really take them off before he got a chill, but I was going to bite my tongue until it bled before I suggested that.
“How did you get here?” It suddenly occurred to me I hadn’t heard his bike.
“I ran, slash, walked.”
“In the rain?”
“Well, it was a bit dangerous to be out on the bike, and it didn’t seem so far ... but I wasn’t thinking about what it feels like to try and get somewhere fast in soaking wet jeans. And damn, when it rains, it rains here.”
It sure did. “And why are you here?”
He looked around the room, maybe for somewhere to sit, before settling down onto his haunches and looking into the fire. The firelight dancing across the planes of his face was devastating.
I swallowed and looked away.
“Yeah, sorry about there being no furniture,” I said a little acidly, maybe to cover my nerves. “Apparently someone paid to have my floors done.”
“There is such a thing as a gift without strings, Keri Ann,” he said quietly. “Not that I’ve ever received one, but I certainly didn’t expect anything from you for that. I just did it. Without thinking. I could. So I did.” He shrugged, as if it had been the most simple thing in the world. Like buying a cup of coffee. “But, I’m sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was upset you. I understand pride. Trust me.” He laughed, humorlessly.
My heart twisted at his reference to never having been given a gift with no strings. I was such a sap.
He seemed to gear up to say something else, like he was trying to find the right words to explain something. “I want to go and tell everyone to get screwed,” he started. “But I owe them too much. I wouldn’t be where I am today in my career without them. It makes me doubt my ability. But it’s not actually me they care about, I’m alone in this. They care about me being in the right place at the right time, dating the right person,” he looked at me before continuing, “God, I know I’m not making sense to you. I know I tried to explain this before ... ”
I could tell it was hard for him to admit to his vulnerability, but what he was saying was still making me mad. It just screamed weakness. I knew he was better than this. And all I wanted to ask him was, “Did you really call Audrey and tell her you were getting back together?” It was out of my mouth before I could help myself.
He took a deep breath. “Not in the way you mean. She issued a statement publicly apologizing.”
“I know. Jazz read about it.”
He nodded. “It was such a stunt. I haven’t been taking her calls so I guess she got desperate to communicate with me. I should have, we’ve been through so much, I owed her at least a phone call.”
That was up for debate, but I stayed silent.
“I did call her last night, to talk. She didn’t answer. But I guess she took that as a sign I was ready to work on fixing everything.”
So, he didn’t betray me, exactly. “Are you?”
“No. But I’m not sure how to move forward. I called her again tonight. We’re going to be traveling around the world together for the next two months as the publicity tour starts up. We are going to have to be together, we are going to have be seen as being together.”
The emphasis to the word ‘being’ left no doubt in my mind about what it meant. I envisioned photo shoots, red carpets, interviews, public displays of affection ... and shared hotel rooms. Would it be rude if I excused myself to go and be sick?
He stood up and turned to me. I saw goose bumps on his arms as he tried to get warm despite his wet clothes. “That’s what I came here to say, Keri Ann.” His green eyes looked almost black in the dark room. “I came here to apologize. First, for not trusting you and assuming the worst. Second, for letting what we have between us develop into anything. I should never have let it get so far.” His words were stones hitting the bottom of my stomach. “And I know seeing that text from Audrey hurt you.” He grimaced. “I’m sorry. That’s what made me realize how careless I was being.”
Hot shame swarmed over me at the na?ve, star-stuck, and broken-hearted little girl he saw me as. And it made me mad as hell. I just didn’t trust myself to say anything. Or move. I wanted to slap his face. And I had never wanted to hit another person in my whole life. Except maybe Joey sometimes. And Jazz. Ok, maybe I did like smacking people.
He wasn’t done though. He ran a hand through his dark wet hair and shook his head, seemingly unaware of the anger and shame thrumming through me.