“Never see you again? How stupid could you be? You can’t just walk into my life and expect to leave me again. I won’t let you, Caleb. Not this time.”
And if you can believe it… she slapped me again.
“What the hell is wrong with you? Stop hitting me!” Livvie was a blur. She hit me so hard my damn eyes were watering (I was not crying—eyes water. I think we all know I’m a badass and I don’t cry). After I cleared my eyes, I could see the anger in hers, the hurt… but also her longing. She longed for me. I knew it only because I could recognize her face as a mirror of my own.
“How could you leave me, Caleb? I thought… I thought you were dead,” she cried. She wrapped her arms around my waist and held me tight. It felt so good to have her in my arms again, I couldn’t think of anything but the feel of her against me.
“I’m sorry, Livvie. I’m so sorry,” I whispered into her hair. I couldn’t believe I was with her again. I can’t even describe it to you. Suffice to say, if I’d died in that moment, I’d have been fine with it.
We stood there for a long time. She held on to me. I held on to her. We said things with our silence we couldn’t put into words. I suppose that’s what she meant by, “it was all that needed to be said.”
I felt all the things I could only have felt with Livvie: hollow, and simultaneously, full to bursting.
“I’ve missed you, Livvie. I’ve missed you like you wouldn’t believe.”
I don’t know how long we stood there holding one another as tourists passed us by. We were simply another couple, enjoying the warm evening together. No one knew who we were or what we had been through to get to that moment. However, even in that elegantly prolonged circumstance, I knew it couldn’t last forever. I had many things to say to Livvie. I was afraid of the things she might have to say to me.
I felt her shaking in my arms, her shoulders quaking against my chest, and I knew she was crying. I didn’t hold it against her. She was more than entitled to her tears. I, unfortunately, couldn’t express myself in quite the same way. So much had happened to me in my life. I’d cried all the tears I had in me to weep. All I could offer was strength. I could be strong for her. I could hold her, rock her, and shield her from the dozens of eyes around us.
The women glared at me as they passed. “What did you do?” their eyes accused.
The men sent pitying glances or condescending smirks my way. “Sucks to be you.”
I ignored them. They weren’t worth my attention.
“Can I get us out of here?” I asked. I felt the gentle nod of Livvie’s head against my chest. I pulled back slowly, not sure if I was prepared for what might happen next. Suddenly, it didn’t matter. Livvie looked up at me, and even with tears in her eyes, she smiled. I had been waiting a long time to see her smile. It had been worth every horrible second I’d been without her.
“I missed you too. So much,” she whispered and wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cry. It’s just… it’s so fucking good to see you!”
And then I smiled. I took her hand and we walked. All around me, life seemed surreal. I’d have thought I was in a dream were it not for the way my face stung. I was tempted to mention it, to make a joke of some kind to break up the tension just under the surface of our joy, but I opted to say nothing. Livvie was with me and it was all that mattered to me.
“Did you drive?” she asked.
“I did,” I replied somewhat awkwardly. “It was optimistic, I guess. I figured either it would be my last opportunity to drive the streets of Barcelona, or I’d be driving you back to my place in style.” I laughed half-heartedly. The longer it took to get to my car, the more awkward the situation became.
Livvie stopped walking and I jerked to a halt.
“I don’t think I’m ready for that… Caleb.” She looked around as if making sure we weren’t alone. She slipped her hand from mine.
I tried not to let it bother me. Of course she’d be frightened to go anywhere with me, but it still stung. I tried to smile as sincerely as possible and shoved my hands in my pockets.
“We don’t have to go to my place. I’ll take you anywhere you want to go. I just… shit, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.”
Livvie gave me a weak smile, the kind that didn’t reach her eyes. She looked so beautiful, and so sad. She looked just as I remembered.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been a wreck for the last four hours, just dying to get here so I could see you and now…” She crossed her arms around her stomach and lifted one hand to pull at her bottom lip. It was one of those gestures she made unconsciously and I remembered it well. It reminded me that no matter how much she’d changed in the last year, there were things about her that would never change.