Emancipating Andie

chapter NINE



Andie folded her clothes, her hands trembling as she placed them into her suitcase. She hadn’t even been able to think about breakfast that morning; her stomach rolled and flipped incessantly. It was similar to the feeling she used to get before the first day of school, this combination of excitement and anxiety.

She would be starting the drive back up to New York that afternoon.

No, they would be starting the drive back up to New York that afternoon.

Andie was thrown by the dichotomy of her emotions; she was absolutely terrified to see him again, yet at the same time she found herself wanting to throw her things haphazardly into her bag and run down to the car.

She had almost kissed him last night.

And with that thought, her stomach flipped again. She had barely slept the night before, that moment replaying itself in her mind over and over. She didn’t trust herself alone with him, but at the same time, it was the only thing that could make this better. She needed some closure. She needed to face whatever this was head-on so that she could regroup, so that she could go back to New York with a clear head.

Andie heard the click of Colin’s key card in the door, and she straightened up as if she had just been caught doing something wrong. The door opened and she smiled up at him, hoping she didn’t look as guilty as she felt.

“Hey,” she said. “Where’d you disappear to?”

Colin plopped onto the bed, reaching into her suitcase and pulling out the pair of lace panties she had just packed, dangling them off his finger as he waggled his eyebrows up at her. She laughed softly, shaking her head as she pulled them from his hand and refolded them.

“I was downstairs talking to Chase,” he said, and it felt like her stomach turned inside out.

“Oh?” she said, keeping her eyes trained on the clothes she was stacking in her bag. “Is he almost ready?”

“No, but he’s not leaving until later tonight, so it’s all good.”

Andie stopped, looking up at Colin. “What do you mean? I wanted to leave by one.”

Colin smiled. “Don’t worry, we’ll leave by one, if that’s what you want.”

She put the shirt in her suitcase and stood up, running her hand through her hair as she shook her head in confusion. “What do you mean we? Are you driving back up with me?”

“Yep,” he said as he sat up, taking a pair of Andie’s shorts out of the suitcase and refolding them more neatly. He flashed her his toothpaste commercial smile before putting the shorts back in her bag.

Andie pulled her brow together. “But what about your plane ticket?” she asked, realizing she probably should have been acting somewhat excited by this point.

“Chase is gonna use it,” he said, sliding off the bed and going into the bathroom to collect his things.

Andie was thankful that he had left the room, because she was terrified that the swelling disappointment building in her chest would be evident on her face. “Well, that was nice of you to offer to switch with him,” she finally said, the words feeling like cement in her mouth.

This was for the best, she told herself. This was a sign. She shouldn’t be alone with him again. And truth be told, she had no business feeling let down by this turn of events.

Colin stuck his head out of the bathroom. “As much as I’d like to take the compliment, I didn’t offer.”

“What do you mean?”

“It was his idea to switch.”

Andie’s heart plummeted into her stomach as Colin turned and went back into the bathroom. It was his idea? Why didn’t he want to drive back with her? Was it because he didn’t trust himself either? Or was it because he didn’t want to be around her? Did she overstep a boundary last night? He was the one who had given her the shot. He was the one who had asked her to dance.

Andie suddenly felt extremely betrayed, and she closed her eyes and shook her head at the irony of that, because she was guilty of betrayal for even being upset by this in the first place, for being excited, even if it was just for a second, about spending time alone with Chase.

She had never felt so out of control of her emotions; it was maddening and extremely unsettling.

Colin came out of the bathroom, swatting her bottom as he passed her and began packing his things, and as Andie zipped up her own suitcase, she found herself stuck somewhere between feeling deflated, and being furious at herself for even feeling that way in the first place.



They stopped in a hotel after being on the road for only seven hours. Andie was exhausted from not having slept the night before, and Colin was exhausted from the week’s activities. Now, Andie lay in another strange bed, her body completely worn out and her mind running on overdrive. Colin lay next to her, snoring lightly. He had fallen asleep the minute they crawled into bed, while Andie tossed and turned. She had even opened her laptop at one point under the absurd pretense that she was going to get some writing done. It was, of course, a completely fruitless endeavor.

Right before they left Tampa earlier that afternoon, Chase had come up to the room to say good-bye. He was amiable, casual, and completely at ease, as if the night before had never happened. He leaned in and gave her a quick peck on the cheek, thanking her for the ride before he turned to shake Colin’s hand. He wished them both a safe trip, and he and Colin made tentative plans to meet up once they were all back in New York.

And that was it.

At least, that should have been it. She should have been following his lead, pretending that the night before had never happened. Yet there she was, lying in bed next to her boyfriend with that moment running a loop in her mind.

She was absolutely disgusted with herself.

At around midnight, Andie resorted to counting sheep. She had gotten up to one hundred and thirty four when she finally fell into unconsciousness.

She had no idea how much time had passed when she woke with a start, gasping loudly as she bolted upright in bed. She reached a trembling hand up to her face, swiping unsteadily at the tears that were pouring down her cheeks, the ones that started before she was even fully awake.

Andie glanced down at Colin as a fresh round of tears spilled from her eyes. He hadn’t moved, and she closed her eyes in relief, immediately opening them as she saw the scene unfolding again behind her eyelids.

My God, that dream.

She hadn’t had it in years, and the fact that it was back now was just as startling as the dream itself. Why was this happening now?

Andie carefully swung her legs over the side of the bed, digging quietly through her purse. As soon as her hand closed around her cell phone, she stood, tiptoeing over to the balcony and sliding the door open. Once it was closed securely behind her, she lifted the phone, squinting in the darkness as she found Tracey in her contacts. She answered after the third ring.

“Andie?” she rasped into the phone. “Are you okay?”

“Hi,” she said, her voice trembling as she whispered. “I’m so sorry to wake you up.”

“It’s fine,” Tracey said. “What’s happening? Are you alright?”

“I had the dream again.”

Tracey sighed softly. “Shit. Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m just…I’m just a little shaken up,” she said, her throat closing with the threat of fresh tears.

“It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? Since you’ve had it?” Tracey asked.

“Mm-hm,” she hummed, her lips pressed together.

“Why…” Tracey hesitated. “Why do you think it’s happening again?”

“I don’t know,” Andie whispered.

But that was a lie. Because at that moment, she knew exactly why she was having it again. It was because Chase had stirred something in her, that desire to do something she knew was wrong, and this was her subconscious reminding her what happened the last time she did something she knew was wrong.

It was her conscience, trying to warn her.

“Are you alone?” Tracey asked.

“No. Colin’s inside sleeping.”

“Are you gonna wake him up?”

“No.”

“Andie,” Tracey said softly. “You should just tell him.”

She had no idea what her reasoning was—whether she was afraid, or embarrassed, or if she simply didn’t feel close enough to him—but regardless of the reason, she knew what her answer would be.

“No, Trace. I don’t think so.”



The next morning Andie sat in the passenger seat, filing her nails and listening to Colin grumble under his breath as she struggled to keep her eyes open. She hadn’t gone back to sleep after she woke the night before, and the exhaustion was finally starting to hit her.

“Come on, a*shole!” he yelled, reaching the end of his patience. “Speed limit’s sixty-five, pal. Drive or get out of the left lane!”

Andie glanced over at him before she brought her eyes back to her nails. “Did you ever think that maybe this guy’s your guardian angel?”

“What?” Colin said, looking at Andie as if she’d lost her mind.

“Did you ever think that this guy is your guardian angel? That he’s slowing you down so that you’d drive a little more safely?”

It was quiet for a beat before she heard Colin’s laughter. “Well, that’s a little ridiculous, don’t you think?” he asked, shooting her an amused look.

Andie dropped her eyes, twirling her nail file between her fingers as she chewed on the inside of her lip.

“Have you ever been to Tybee Island?” she asked suddenly, not sure why she even brought it up.

“No, where’s that?” Colin said, speeding up to pass the car that finally switched over to the right lane.

“It’s this little island off of Savannah. It’s really historic but modern at the same time—”

“We can’t stop anywhere, Andie,” Colin said, cutting her off. “We’re too tight on time. I have to be back at work Tuesday morning.”

Andie furrowed her brow, looking out the passenger window. She just felt like talking about it; she hadn’t actually wanted to stop there. In a ridiculous way, she kind of felt like Tybee was her little secret.

Well, hers and Chase’s.

She rested her head back against the seat, remembering their time there, and she realized that, as absurd as it was, going there with anyone else would almost feel like an act of infidelity.

Colin spoke, clearly taking her silence for unhappiness. “Come on,” he said, nudging her playfully. “Are you upset that you’re driving back with a financial planner who has a schedule to adhere to and not some flighty photographer?”

“Stop,” Andie scolded gently. “I think he’s brave for doing that.”

“Brave?” Colin echoed, his eyebrows raised. “How is being a photographer brave?”

Andie turned toward him. “You know that he went to school to be a veterinarian, right? I mean, he could easily do that and have a steady job, steady money, but instead he’s doing what he wants to do. He’s following his dream, even if that means people might not support his decision, even if that means not knowing where his next paycheck is coming from.” Andie stopped, reining in her enthusiasm. “I just…I think that’s brave,” she concluded softly.

Colin shot her a look. “I wouldn’t exactly call it brave,” he said. “Chase has more money than he knows what to do with.”

She paused. “What are you talking about?”

“His mom died of a brain aneurism a few years ago. She left him everything. The big house in Connecticut, all the money she got in the divorce,” he trailed off, shrugging his shoulders.

“I don’t understand,” Andie said, shifting to face Colin fully. “You told me he lives in a little studio apartment in New York.”

“Yeah, he does, although calling it a studio is generous. It’s more like a closet with a bathroom,” he said with a laugh, glancing in the rearview mirror. “I mean, he doesn’t flaunt his money. The way he dresses, the way he acts, you’d never know. But my point is, it’s easy to be brave,” he said, using finger quotes, “and choose a profession like that when you have a safety net.”

Andie furrowed her brow, nibbling on her thumbnail as she turned away from him to look out the passenger window again. A few weeks ago, she probably would have agreed with him, she realized with embarrassment. But now she was completely turned off by the fact that Colin was diminishing what Chase did for a living. He was brave, she decided; money had nothing to do with it. He was following his dream, and she respected that.

She envied that.

“If you could even call it a profession,” Colin added as an afterthought, dropping a lit match into the powder keg that was Andie’s emotional state.

She whipped her head toward him. “So you don’t think photography is a respectable thing to do?” she asked, her voice laced with resentment that was seemingly lost on Colin.

“It can be,” he said with a casual shrug, “for a select few. Rare talents. But is it a profession? I don’t think so. It’s an escape. Photographers, artists, writers, they’re all dreamers. Those are hobbies, not careers.”

And there it was.

She realized then that maybe she hadn’t told Colin about the fact that she was writing a novel not because she was ashamed that she was wasting her time, but because deep down, she knew that’s exactly what he’d think she was doing.

Andie stared at his profile, studying him as if she were seeing him for the first time. All at once she remembered Chase’s notion about how people judge other people’s happiness according to their own standards. She kept her eyes on him, the oddest feeling washing over her, like she was looking at a stranger.

“Are you happy?” she asked abruptly.

“Am I happy?” he repeated with a laugh, pulling his brow together, and Andie was suddenly reminded of something her mother used to say to her when she was young.

Anyone who repeats a question when they’re asked one is just buying time.

“Of course I’m happy,” he said with a smile, reaching over the console to take her hand. He brought it to his lips, kissing it gently before he flashed her a smile, bringing his eyes back to the road.

She sat there, her hand clasped in his, noticing that he didn’t ask her the same question in return. She wasn’t sure if it was lack of caring on his part, or the automatic assumption that she was happy which prevented him from asking, but to her, in that moment, both things were equally as offensive.