However, it was much, much harder than even I’d anticipated.
I knew I had Cole waiting back in Edinburgh for me and with him the promise of this beautiful family who were there for one another like families should be. Yet that promise, no matter how much it wanted to offer itself to me as a balm against the possibility of losing Logan, was never going to do that. Gaining them didn’t mean losing Logan wouldn’t break my heart.
I had so many cracks in my heart . . . I wasn’t sure it would handle another without shattering into a million unglueable pieces.
A child’s laughter jerked me out of my maudlin thoughts, and I watched as a young mother carried her happy child inside the building.
It was time to suck it up.
“And you have no more than ten pounds in cash on you?” the prison officer asked me at security check-in.
I pulled out my purse, my hands shaking. “Uh, yes.”
“I’ll need to take your purse along with your phone.” He took it and gave me a ticket to retrieve my things when I was leaving.
Before I stepped into the visitor room, I had to pause. The chaotic fluttering in my stomach swarmed into a panic in my chest and I felt a rush of breathless dizziness. I braced my hands on my knees and bowed my head, taking in air through my nose and releasing it slowly through my mouth.
“Miss, are you okay?”
I glanced up through my hair at the prison officer standing at the entrance of the room. I straightened and smoothed trembling fingers over my dry lips. I let out another puff of air. “Yeah. I’ll be fine.”
His look of concern told me he wasn’t convinced, so I threw back my shoulders with more determination and assurance than I felt and took those first steps into the large room.
There were about forty tables and a small play area near the entrance where kids were supervised. Three seats were placed in front of each table, and only one opposite them for the prisoner.
My eyes swept the room, coming to a stop along with my heart at the sight of my brother. He stared across the room, his expression hard.
Somehow my jellified limbs took me over to him and I slipped into the seat opposite him, just staring at him, drinking everything in.
He looked different.
His dark hair, which had always been wavy like mine, was shorn close to his head, accentuating the sharp cheekbones and cut jawline he’d inherited from Dad. Once clean-shaven, he now looked rugged and older with the short beard he’d grown. Violet eyes, just like mine, pierced into me beneath his dark lashes. Although he’d always been fit, I could see in the breadth of his shoulders and chest that he’d packed on quite a bit of muscle since he went inside.
He looked tired; he looked grim.
He looked hardened.
I couldn’t even begin to imagine the things he’d seen and the people he’d been forced to be around.
“Logan,” I whispered, shrugging uncertainly. “I don’t even . . .”
His eyes roamed over me. “You look well.”
I leaned in closer at the sound of his voice. “I—”
“Where the fuck have you been, Shannon?” he hissed, the hardness in his eyes shoved aside momentarily to make room for the hurt.
It felt as if someone had just thrown a brick at my chest.
I smoothed a hand over my hair, and the motion drew Logan’s attention. His eyes narrowed. “You’re shaking.” He sat back, shocked and wounded. “Are you afraid of me?”
“Of course not,” I snapped, and then lowered my voice when I realized I’d drawn attention to us. “But I am afraid of what you think of me. I didn’t think you’d want me here. Mum, Dad, and Amanda said you wouldn’t either. They told me to stay away.”
“What are you talking about? They said you just took off and you haven’t been in touch.” Anger flared in his eyes like purple sparks. “Do you have any idea how goddamn relieved I was to hear from you? You’ve had us worried sick, Shannon.”
“No.” I shook my head in denial, my heart pounding. “Mum, Dad, and Amanda . . . they told me this was my fault, that you all thought it was my fault. They told me they’d never forgive me. I thought it was best to just . . . leave. For everyone’s sake.”
“They said what?”
I tensed at the surprise on his face. “You never thought that?”
“No,” he spat. “And you should have known better.”
“How? Logan, I put you in prison.”
“I put me in prison.” He thumped his fist against his chest. “I did. I’d do it over again if it meant getting to put that fucking animal in the hospital.”