In their own time my jagged tears stopped, and my breathing became easier as Cam’s body heat and strong embrace provided a balm against the pain I was in.
It occurred to me that I’d had an emotional breakdown in front of the one person in the world I hadn’t ever wanted to.
And he had been kind.
I pulled back, abruptly letting go of Cam, but his hands still clasped my upper arms lightly. Not quite able to meet his gaze yet, I looked to the left, and movement drew my attention. The gasp caught in my throat as I tilted my head up to find Cole standing on the stairs, deep lines furrowing his forehead and his eyes dark with concern.
Cam’s hands rubbed up and down my shoulders in a gesture of comfort and I could no longer avoid his gaze. Our eyes met and I felt overwhelmed with emotion.
Humiliation.
Shame.
Anger.
Gratitude.
Anxiety.
Fear.
‘I’m sorry,’ I mumbled, my eyes sliding back up to Cole. ‘I better take Cole inside.’
‘No.’
Surprised, I found my gaze drawn back to Cam. His expression was troubled but determined as he shook his head at me. ‘Come into my flat. I’ll make you some coffee.’
‘I have to talk to Cole.’ My little brother had witnessed my attack on our mother. I was terrified of what he must think of me, and I needed to somehow explain.
‘You can talk to Cole later. First you’re going to take a minute for yourself.’
I thought of Cole in the flat alone with Mum and my stomach flipped. ‘He’s not going back in there without me.’
‘Here.’ Cam finally let go of me so he could pull his wallet out of the back pocket of his jeans. I watched warily as he removed a twenty-pound note and held it up to Cole. ‘You think you could phone some pals to come and join you at a movie at the Omni Centre?’
Eyes pinning Cam in place, Cole took the stairs down to us with an air of authority that stunned me. Every day was another progression into manhood – especially days like this. When he reached Cam, his eyes were full of understanding and maturity, and he took the note carefully. ‘Aye, I can do that.’
‘But –’ My protest was cut off by Cole, who shook his head at me like a parent to his child. My mouth slammed shut more from surprise than anything else, and I watched with a mixture of pride and worry as he narrowed his eyes on Cam.
‘Can I trust you with her?’
Cam heaved a deep sigh, but he answered Cole as if he was speaking to a man on equal footing. ‘I know I deserve that, but I promise from now on I’ll treat your sister with the respect she deserves.’
I was truly dumbfounded by the exchange. The fact that I was already a shell-shocked mess didn’t make it any easier to understand what was passing between them, and it was probably why I allowed Cole to take money that I knew Cam must need and walk out of our building. That’s also why I let myself be manhandled into Cam’s flat.
His flat, like ours, was a rental, and although decorated in neutral colours it was definitely in need of a repaint. Cam’s furniture was practical and comfortable, with very little thought to style, except for his huge black suede couch and matching armchair. I found myself ushered to the couch and I sat down numbly, staring around at the space that was still cluttered with packing boxes.
‘Tea? Coffee?’
I shook my head. ‘Water, please.’
When Cam returned with a glass of water for me and a coffee for him, I watched him settle into the armchair just across from me and my heart began to gallop.
What was I doing here? Why was Cam being so nice all of a sudden? What did he want? I should get back up to the flat and face the consequences.
‘Jo.’ His deep, raspy voice brought my chin down. I’d been staring at the ceiling and hadn’t really even realized it. When I looked at Cam, I felt my body tense. His eyes were searching my face as if he was desperate to dive inside me and unearth all my secrets. My breath caught at the intensity of his look. ‘What the hell happened to your life, Jo? How did you get here?’
A bubble of bitter laughter escaped from my lips and I shook my head at him. I asked myself that question every day. ‘I don’t trust you, Cameron, so why would I tell you anything?’