“And so he knows that. He knows we’re coming for him. That’s why it’s best to wait a while. Wait for him to relax. Let his guard down.”
He got out of his chair and stormed over to me, eyes blazing. “You’re telling me,” he said, waving his hand over my body, “that you’re okay with just letting him getting away with this, with what he did to you? Can you honestly say that you can wait to catch one day when he’s not expecting it? Is that what you can do? Fuck.” He turned around, back to me and shook his head. “Well I can’t do that. I can’t live my life knowing he’s out there and that he’s ruined us.”
My heart grew heavy. “Don’t forget I had my hand in that too.”
He whirled around. “Oh, I haven’t forgotten,” he snapped. He closed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair, trying to compose himself. When he opened them again, his gaze was directed at the floor. “The sooner he’s dead, the better it is for us. The sooner we can move on and pick up the pieces.”
And what makes you think we can do that anyway, I wanted to ask but I didn’t dare. I was too afraid of the truth. The truth that, despite everything, my forgiveness was the last thing on his mind.
My body would heal before we ever did.
I flipped over the last card. Queen of Spades.
Unlucky.
***
The next day I was able to leave the clinic as promised. I said goodbye to the nurses and doctors who took care of me but to them I was just another anonymous person coming in from the endless violence. Diego and I had theorized that they didn’t just work for the agencies in the area but for whatever cartels were willing to pay the highest price. With that in mind, I was glad that Diego was there to guard me. Any doctor would have sold me out to someone willing to pay for it.
I went with Evaristo, his second-in-command Paolo, Diego, and Javier in a small convoy of cars out toward the western coast of El Salvador. There was one humble safe house on a golden beach, another a few yards away, nestled in the jungle.
Javier and I commandeered the beach house with Diego, while Evaristo and Paolo watched over Javier’s army in the other.
It was strange being in such a small space with just the three of us. Javier and I had one bedroom to ourselves overlooking the ocean, while Diego’s was stationed near the front. Though we couldn’t see them, there were other guards patrolling the grounds, making sure we were safe. It was hot here so close to the equator and there was never a moment where you weren’t coated in a thin sheen of sweat.
The whole set-up reminded me of when I first married Salvador and in more ways than one. Our honeymoon had been at a similar place, with similar protection. And I had been similarly nervous.
The thing was, despite everything that had changed between Javier and I, what had done the most damage had nothing to do with him or me.
It was Esteban.
Because of him and his men, I’d grown averse to Javier’s touch. Anyone’s touch, really, but especially his.
That night when we arrived at the house, we settled into our new room. It was clean and comfortable. Nothing fancy. Teak frames on the mirrors and doors, a ceiling fan, terracotta-tiled floors. The kind of place vacationers would rent for a taste of Latin America.
There was one queen-sized bed in the middle. The sight of it made my heart jump.
I carefully got ready for bed, taking my time to change into my nightgown in the washroom. Everything took longer with my shoulder incapacitated. Javier had offered to help me a few times but there was no way now that I’d let him see me naked.
I didn’t want him to be repulsed.
And I feared what would happen if he were turned on.
When I finally emerged, he was in bed, the sheet pulled up to his abdomen. I knew he was naked underneath.
He wasn’t smiling though. He was reading me, almost desperately, as I stepped out of the bathroom. I was a bit unsteady on my feet, a side effect of the massive amounts of codeine I’d been prescribed for the pain, even though it hadn’t done much for it so far.
Javier made a move to help me and I tried to shoo him away but he was adamant. And naked. And had a formidable erection as he led me over to my side of the bed.
“You’re still in pain,” he noted, lowering me down.
“I’m fine.”
He gave me a half-smile. “You know my dear, we do own most of the drugs in the world. I’m sure I can give you something stronger than fucking codeine.”
“It’s fine,” I said again. Javier didn’t get high on his own supply and neither did I.
He came around to his side of the bed and turned on his side, facing me. I had no choice but to sleep on my back, my shoulder wouldn’t allow anything else.
The tension between us was hard to ignore. It was physical, like you could see it hanging in the air. Even the creaking ceiling fan couldn’t blow it away. So many things left unsaid. So many things that begged to be said again.
And I was caught been a rock and a hard place.
The need to feel beautiful.