My head spun at his speech, at the conviction in his voice. I tried to process his words, but his last statement sent a shiver up my spine. But I filed it away for another day. Right then, I had to get my pulse to slow. His emotional rollercoaster was because of me. I was the cause of his pain. I was the reason Kelton hid behind his bravado. I was the reason he was a fucking mess. In part, I understood his strife. After all, I was terrified the people I loved would die.
“I refused to let anyone in.” His tone softened. “Then you showed up. Every time I see you, touch you, kiss you, I get dizzy, confused, fearful, crazy, excited. And if I’m being honest, the longer you stay in Boston, the more I won’t want you to leave.”
The room spun slightly, and I smiled—more out of nerves than anything.
He narrowed those soul-stealing blue eyes of his. “You love seeing me act like a guy who just downed a bottle of estrogen, don’t you?”
Since he put it that way, I had to laugh.
He backed up to lean against the sink.
Silence grew like a balloon ready to bust. I thought of something to say, but if I said anything I’d start crying. We were on a date. This was supposed to be a good time, not heavy and laden with deep-seated emotions. Conversations like this one were supposed to be for a time after we’d dated for a year. But Kelton and I weren’t strangers. Kelton and I still had feelings for each other. Or I still did. I’d said my piece with his parents. It was time I did with Kelton.
I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry when I moved away I didn’t respond to your emails or calls. I get why you’re afraid of me. I’m afraid of me. I’m afraid of you. Life. The future. Love.” I shuffled up to him then touched his chest. His heart was beating like he’d just finished a quarter-mile sprint. “But as scared as I am, I want to take a chance with you, with us. Your life isn’t over when I return to Miami. I guess I don’t understand why we couldn’t have a long-distance relationship.” They usually didn’t last, but I would do anything to make us work.
“That’s the thing. You walked out of my life seven years ago, and I couldn’t let that happen again, even for a long-distance relationship.”
I wanted to argue that I’d been thirteen and had had no control over where I lived. And while his adult brain would probably understand that, his feelings drove his decisions. Maybe we needed a time-out to think, process, and regroup. Although I wasn’t certain he would want to. I gave a half smile then went in search of my clothes.
“You never answered. Why are you still wearing my charm?” His voice cracked.
I slipped on my tank top. “You don’t want to know why. Let’s just end the date now.” I put on my boot.
“Lizard, please. Tell me.”
I shook my head. “You don’t want the truth.” I doubted he could handle it.
“I just poured out the truth to you. So, yes. I do.” He crossed his arms.
I guessed I owed him that much. Maybe if I eased into why I’d never taken off the half-heart charm he wouldn’t freak or go into cardiac arrest. Now I’m probably being a drama queen. “You’re right. What we had as kids was first love. And first loves stay with a person forever. But time has a way of dimming the past. This charm”—I grabbed it out of my tank top—“never allowed my feelings, what we shared, the good times we had, or even the sadness to dim. Then when I first laid eyes on you in art class, the past lit up brighter than a spotlight. I couldn’t believe it was really you. I tried to stay away from you, to make sure you didn’t notice me. I didn’t trust myself, or my heart. My disguise wasn’t so you wouldn’t notice me, but it helped at first. Then you kissed me at Dillon’s. I knew then that I’d never lost my feelings for you. I’m in love with you, Kel,” I said, as sure as the sun set every day. My insides, on the other hand, threw up.
His face paled, turning as white as the marble countertop. Not me—my cheeks were on fire, my hands were shaking, and the room seemed to be spinning slightly. In no way did I want him to say it back, especially not out of pity or because he felt he had to. Then I scratched that thought. Kelton wouldn’t say anything unless he meant it.
Cold air would be good about now.
Kelton moved toward me. He was about to open his mouth.
I placed my fingers on his lips. “Don’t say anything. Those are my true feelings. They aren’t going to change when I return to Miami. Nor will they change ever, no matter where I am in this world.”
“I was going to say stay and we’ll watch a movie and order pizza.”
A movie sounded great. Anything to stay connected. “As long as we don’t talk about feelings or our past in Texas.” I didn’t want him to feel awkward that I’d told him I loved him. I was also drained from our game.
“Deal,” he said, color returning to his face.
19
Kelton