“I kind of feel that way,” I said honestly. “I’ve made too many mistakes, and too many people are paying for them.”
“I’ve had to learn a hard lesson, and I think you might need to, too.” Finn leaned back in his chair. “Everything can’t be your fault. You’re not that powerful. The whole world isn’t in your control.”
I swallowed hard and stared down at my tea. “I know that.”
“But it still feels like you should be able to prevent every disaster and protect everyone you care about from any pain?” Finn asked, and I nodded. “But you can’t, so sometimes you need to trust that people can take care of themselves.”
I thought of Kasper, and how he’d died trying to take care of himself. And Ridley, and how I didn’t know what the Queen had done to him after I left. And Tilda, and how she was dealing with so much now. And Linnea, and how she was alone in Storvatten, trying to fight for her life and her husband’s. And Konstantin, and how if Viktor or his men found him, things would end very badly for him.
I shook my head. “I can’t turn my back on them, Finn. If I can help them, I have to.”
“I’m not saying you should stand by and watch people suffer,” Finn clarified. “But you can’t save everyone. You can only do as much as you can, and then you need to move on.”
“But . . .” It was hard to speak around the lump in my throat. “Kasper died.”
“Did you kill him?” Finn asked me directly.
“No.”
“Then it’s not your fault.”
“But I could’ve done more.” I looked up at him. “I should’ve done more.”
Finn leaned forward, resting his arms on the table. “Bryn, if you could have done more, you would have. That means you did everything you could.”
I couldn’t argue that, so I lowered my eyes again.
“From what I gather by what Ember’s told me, and what you told the Queen, you’ve been trying to fight a massive enemy on your own,” Finn said. “You’ve been taking on far too much for one person, and I think you should get some rest for a while.”
“I can’t,” I insisted. “Not when people I care about might be in danger.”
“You’re no help to anyone if you’re falling apart.”
“That’s the worst thing about Finn,” Mia said, smiling at me as she set a heaping bowl of vegetable soup in front of me. “He’s usually right.”
“Thank you,” I told her, and I used all my restraint to keep from wolfing down the soup. I didn’t think anything had ever smelled as wonderful or tasted as delicious in my life.
“You can stay here as long as you need to,” Mia told me, as I devoured the soup. “Our door is always open to you.”
I wanted to thank her for that, and tell her that I didn’t think I’d be staying here that long. I couldn’t just rest on my laurels, no matter if my body needed it or not. But I was far too famished to do anything besides eat.
TWENTY-THREE
reevaluate
Before this had become Finn and Mia’s home, it had been the house that both Finn and Ember had grown up in. Ember’s old room had become Hanna’s, but she would stay in Liam’s room tonight, so I could use her room. I’d tried to insist that they didn’t need to go to any trouble for me, but Mia just did it anyway.
Despite my exhaustion, I lay awake in Hanna’s slightly-too-small bed, my feet hanging over the end. A lighted mobile hung above the bed, casting shapes of the moon and stars over the ceiling.
The walls were a pale blue with clouds on them, and Finn had told me that Ember had been the one to paint the room this way when she’d been ten. I remembered her telling me about her childhood, when she would lay awake at night plotting her escape from this small boring house and her boring life. Ember had been determined to escape and have an adventure.
Now I couldn’t help but feel a certain kinship to her, lying awake the way she had, wishing for an escape. Of course, I would happily trade all the troubles that were stretched out before me for a boring life with my friends and family again.
As soon as I thought it, I wondered if that was entirely true. Obviously, I would gladly get rid of Mina and Viktor and all the dangers that went along with them. But would I ever be content to just settle down and lead a normal life the way Finn and Mia had?
Before everything had completely gone to hell, Ridley and I had made plans to be together when this was all over. Of course, now it seemed impossible. I wasn’t even sure if I’d ever be able to see him again.