“My mind goes crazy. I think about him being there when I’m not. I wonder if he’s telling you how easy it would be with him. I’m going out of my mind, Natalie.”
I wish I could take his worry away, but I know if it were me, I’d be the same. I don’t blame him for it. He’s away and my husband who I loved for more than half my life is here. One who made it abundantly clear he wasn’t going to give up.
I look back as Aaron and Aarabelle enter the house.
“Listen to me,” I say as I walk down by the beach. “You have my heart. You have my soul and you have my body. No one else. You have to trust me and know that I would never betray you. I love you, and you’re not getting rid of me so easily.”
“When I get home, I’m going to show you how much you mean to me. I’m going to marry you, Natalie. I’m going to give you everything I have. Just wait for me.”
“You already give me everything. Now, come home soon.”
Liam disconnects the call. I close my eyes and I rub my stomach. “You’ve given me more than you know.”
“You’re now sixteen weeks,” Dr. Contreras says as she smiles and grips my hand. I’ve been with her from the beginning of my very first failed pregnancy, and she knows more than anyone how I’ve been terrified. Each week, I start to gain a tiny flick of hope this might be okay. “You are still high risk, but right now you’re on track.”
“I keep waiting,” I say aloud.
“Don’t live like that. Everything looks great right now, and you’ve made it through the most trying time.” She walks over and gives my hand a squeeze. “Have faith, Natalie.”
I need to harness my faith that no matter what, I will be okay. I can’t be worried because the stress won’t be good for the baby either. “Can you give me any insight about how this happened? Years I went through hell, and now when I’m not even trying . . . it happens?”
“Sometimes after you have a baby, your body resets itself in a way. Kind of like ‘been there done that.’ Your cycle restarted after Aarabelle, and while you might not have been regular because PCOS doesn’t go away, you were ovulating when you did happen to get pregnant. It’s a good sign.” Dr. Contreras smiles and writes some things in her chart. “I want to see you back in four weeks.”
“Are we doing this like we did with Aarabelle?”
During my pregnancy, I was considered high risk. My visits were more frequent and they monitored me very closely. I also was on a very light lifting ban. We were very careful, and I felt like I should’ve covered myself in bubble wrap.
“Most of it, yes. I don’t want you doing anything strenuous. If you can keep off your feet then do it. I know that’s hard with an eighteen-month-old, but try to take it easy. Do you have help from the father?”
I look away and shake my head, “Aaron has been helping a little with Aarabelle, but he doesn’t know. Liam is deployed, and I can’t tell him while he’s gone.”
She laughs, “I’m sure that’ll be a fun homecoming.”
“It’ll be interesting for sure.”
She pats my hand. “I’m sure you will get everything worked out. We’ll keep you monitored and next appointment will be an ultrasound. It’s all good things, Natalie.”
“I have so much stress right now, between Aaron and Liam, I’m not sure what the hell to do. I’m concerned all of this is going to affect the baby.” This is my worry I battle each day. I’ve been doing so well with keeping myself calm and in check so far though.
Aaron and I get along, but I’m sure that all could change very quickly. Liam will be home soon enough and then the dynamic shifts again. Plus, there will be an even bigger sense of betrayal. Liam was able to get his wife pregnant when he couldn’t.
“I know this is a difficult time for you, but I want you to focus on you for once. Not Aaron and all the issues in the situation, but really give yourself the best care possible. Can you do that?” Dr. Contreras asks.
“Yes, this baby means everything to me. No matter what happens, it’s a miracle and I’m happy.”
She smiles, “Good. Now, I’ll see you in a few weeks and then we can see your baby.”
I leave the office feeling buoyant and hopeful. I dreamt of having more children, but I never expected it to happen, and I sure as hell didn’t think it wouldn’t be without help. Liam and I have a tiny miracle growing inside of me. I don’t know how he’s going to handle it, but I can’t stop the joy that builds.
I’m going to have another baby.
Once I arrive back at the office, I float around in a daze. I was so sure by now I wouldn’t still be pregnant that I didn’t really allow myself a chance to process what it all means. Aaron will need to be told delicately and not until Liam knows. God, I hope I don’t show early.
“Earth to Lee.” Jackson smiles waving his hand in front of me.
“Hi! Sorry.” My cheeks flush as I realize I’ve been staring off into space.
Jackson laughs and leans back. “How are you?”
“Good. I’m good.”
He smiles knowingly and I wonder if Mark told him. I’ll kill him.
“Dempsey doing okay?” he asks.