“But they affect us.”
“Only if you want them to. Look, every part of me battles with touching you. It’s like I’m the fucking dirtbag here. You were his fucking wife.” His hand drops.
“He obviously didn’t hold that title very high,” I say and grab his hand wrapping my fingers around his. “I’m angry, though, and hurt. He and I weren’t perfect, but I didn’t think he was capable of infidelity.”
“Did you have any idea?”
“No, I mean, we were fighting, but I was pregnant. We had been trying for almost a year to get pregnant with Aarabelle. I could only sleep with him during certain times, and sex was tedious, but I thought we were making the best of it.”
Infertility was a huge burden between us. Aaron felt his manhood was being challenged and I thought I was maybe not meant to be a mother. Even through it all, Aaron and I tried to stay close. He wasn’t any more distant than normal, and I definitely didn’t suspect anything.
“I wish I could take this away from you. I can’t though. He was your husband.”
I nod in understanding. Liam only knew the side of our marriage everyone saw. The happy, smiling couple that loved each other since they were sixteen. In many ways, it wasn’t an act. I did love him, and if he were alive, we’d be together, or at least figuring out where to go from here. But he’s gone, and I have Liam.
“In a way, it’s also opened my eyes to how my life wasn’t exactly what I thought.”
“How so?”
“Do we seriously talk about this? Do I really tell you about good and bad in my marriage to your best friend?” I question because it feels almost unnatural. This is the guy who I’m sure listened to Aaron talk about me and now I’m sitting here about to make him listen to me.
“I can’t say I’m going to enjoy it, but if we keep avoiding this shit, we’re never going to get past it. Look, this is hard as hell for me. Aaron was my best friend. I would’ve taken a bullet for him, no questions asked. When things started happening with you and I, I felt like a dick.” Liam plays with my fingers as we sit and talk. “You’re off limits. No one fucks another team guy’s wife. It’s code. But he’s gone and I don’t know how we found our way here.”
“I battle with the same thing. You were . . . well . . . you. I saw you as a friend. As Aaron’s friend. I can remember sewing your patches on and painting your helmet when you were in BUDs. When my feelings started to shift, I tried to stop it.” I twist my fingers in his as we both open ourselves up. “Do you know what I’m most upset about?” I muse out loud, but I need to say it.
“What?”
“This whole time . . .” I look away, but Liam’s hand pulls my chin toward him.
Liam’s eyes are tender but his jaw is tight. “Don’t hide from me. Let me in.”
My eyes blur with unshed tears as the words begin to form like acid on my tongue. “I’ve been so blind. In my mind, I blocked out everything bad and I’ve put him on this pedestal. When I told him I was pregnant, he shrugged and walked away. I forgot about that until last night. I wanted him to be so perfect. I didn’t want to remember how we weren’t always happy, but we were comfortable. I’m such an idiot.”
He’s rubs his thumb gently against my skin. I close my eyes to his touch and my hand touches his chest. I lean into his body and he holds me close. “You’re not an idiot.”
I let out a short, sarcastic laugh. “The hell I’m not. My husband was cheating on me when I was pregnant. I laid in bed crying for days over someone who could’ve been planning to leave me. My entire life was a lie.”
“I don’t know what to say. A part of me—the selfish part—wants to tell you he was a fucking moron and you’re better off with me. I wouldn’t cheat and would tell you how you shouldn’t spend another minute thinking of him.” I lean up and Liam lets out a deep breath. “The other part of me is fighting against defending the motherfucker. But I won’t defend what he did . . . it’s so fucked up.”
This is what I worry about with us. “Will Aaron always be between us?” I ask and hold my breath.
“I don’t know. Tell me . . .” Liam pauses and bends forward. His lips touch mine and he kisses me. His tongue glides across my lips and he pulls back. He waits for me to open my eyes, and the fierceness stops my breath. The tension in his muscles is clear as he gives me what I need. “Do you wish he was here instead of me? Right now, do you wish it were his arms around you? His mouth on yours?”
I hear him speaking, but I can’t focus. When his lips touch mine, all that exists is Liam and me. He stops and waits . . . I bring myself back to his question and shake my head no.
“That’s not good enough,” his low gruff voice is demanding.
“Right now, I’m not thinking of anyone else.” My lips ghost against his.