I nodded. But it was lie. I didn’t think it was going to be okay. And how could I trust him? He’d done pretty much nothing but prove he was untrustworthy since I’d met him.
I walked to the T, stopping on the way to buy a hot coffee at a Dunkin’ Donuts.
Even though I was still wearing Justin’s sweatshirt, I couldn’t warm up. The hot liquid helped a little but I was still shivering as I got onto the train.
It was the middle of the morning rush hour, and I watched a smartly dressed couple sitting across from me, sharing The Boston Globe. The woman was wearing a cream-colored suit and matching high heels, her hair styled in waves around her face.
Her boyfriend wore khakis, his suit jacket lying on the seat next to him.
They sipped coffees and read their paper, pausing every so often to point something out to each other. My heart clenched. I thought about how that would never be me and Justin. He would never be going off to some office while I rode the T to my job at the hospital. We’d never be passing the paper back and forth while we sipped coffees and talked about the upcoming day.
I didn’t care about what Justin did for a living. I didn’t care if he wanted to be a fighter, or how much money he made, or anything like that. But what I did care about was feeling connected. The couple across from me seemed connected. They were on the same page (literally) about everything. Meanwhile, Justin had pretty much kicked me out of his apartment this morning so he could deal with whatever crazy thing was happening to him.
So now it was just another crazy thing he wanted to keep from me.
When I got to campus, it was still early, so I decided to stop off at the dining hall before going back to my room to shower. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing Rachel after the weird quasi-fight we’d had about Adam. Plus I was hungry, and I definitely needed more coffee. I could already tell it was going to be one of those days, the kind of day where I needed multiple cups of caffeine flowing through my body.
But my plan of avoiding Rachel for as long as I could didn’t work. As soon as I walked into the dining hall, there she was, sitting at a table right by the door. There was no way to get to the breakfast line without her seeing me. For a second I considered turning around and going back to my room. But what would that really accomplish? It wasn’t like Rachel or I lived in the same town, or even the same house. We lived in the same room. I was going to have to deal with seeing her sooner or later.
I sighed and walked over to where she was sitting.
She was looking down at a textbook, her lips moving slightly as she read and highlighted. Even though it was early, she looked like she’d been up for hours. Her face was fresh and clear, and her blond hair was arranged in a loose fishtail braid that hung over one shoulder. She was wearing a tank top and a light blue zip up hoodie over jeans.
She looked so innocent, and I felt horrible that I’d hurt her feelings.
“Hey,” I said, as I got close.
She looked up, and I held my breath as I waited for her reaction. “Hi,” she said tentatively.
“Can I sit down?”
She nodded and closed her book. She pushed it away and then looked at me.
There was a tray sitting on the table in front of her with a breakfast sandwich and a plate of cheesy home fries on it. She cut the sandwich in half, and pushed one part toward me.
“You hungry?”
I nodded, and picked up the sandwich. I took a bite, chewed, and swallowed.
“Rachel,” I said. “Listen, I owe you an apology.”
“No, I owe you an apology,” she said. She sighed. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I know you were just looking out for me.”
“No, I’m sorry,” I said. “I shouldn’t have said those things about Adam.”
“It’s okay.” She shrugged. “You were kind of right. I mean, guys are assholes.
And it’s better for me to know that and have it in the back of my mind.”
I nodded, but I wasn’t sure exactly what I was supposed to say. On one hand, I didn’t want to be fighting with Rachel. I didn’t want things to be awkward between us. I liked Rachel. She’d been a good friend to me. On the other hand, it felt weird that I knew Adam liked me, that he’d pretty much told me that him sleeping with Rachel hadn’t meant anything to him. Didn’t Rachel deserve to know that? I couldn’t decide what would make me a better friend – telling her the truth about Adam, or not telling her.