Chapter 19 - Claire
THE DRIVE TO THE BEACH house is filled with questions from Ryder about what we’re going to do when we get there. “Can we go swimming tonight?… Is Abby there already?… That’s not fair I didn’t get to go with Junior. Can I ride in Caleb’s car when they get there?… Are we going to the music festival again?… Is Abby sleeping in my room? She can sleep in my room. I don’t mind.”
“Abby will be sharing a room with Jimi,” I reply to Ryder.
He slumps in his seat and pouts the rest of the way there. I hope Jimi reacts better than Ryder when I give her this same news.
Chris pulls into the driveway of the beach house and I let out a sigh of relief. The gray siding and white trim were Chris’s idea, which I was opposed to at first. But, as usual, he was right. The house has a very elegant Cape Cod feel with a few homey touches, like the decorative cornices and the large wraparound porch. I love the big house in Cary, but the beach house feels more like home to me. Maybe that’s because Wrightsville was my home when Chris and I got back together more than seventeen years ago.
Jimi pulls her Mercedes into the driveway about three minutes after Chris. He takes all the luggage up to the bedrooms with Ryder’s help while I grab some linens from a closet and get them into the washing machine. I come out of the upstairs laundry room and head straight for Jimi’s bedroom.
“Why do I have to share my room?” Jimi shrieks. “My room only has one bed! Ryder has bunk beds!”
“We have the rollaway bed in the garage from when Grandma and Grandpa stayed over. She can sleep on that,” I reply. “We’ll just have to move stuff around to make room.”
“Why can’t Ryder and Junior share a room? Then she can stay in Ryder’s room with her boyfriend.”
“She’s not sharing a room with her boyfriend,” Chris replies as he and Ryder enter with the rollaway bed. “She’s sharing a room with you, so get over it.”
“This is so unfair. How can you be so naive? They’ve probably already had sex. You guys were having sex at their age.”
“Ew!” Ryder shouts, covering his ears with his hands.
“Enough!” Chris barks at her. “This isn’t up for negotiation. It’s a done deal. Now, let it rest.”
Jimi shakes her head, tears glistening in the corners of her eyes. I definitely need to have a chat with Jimi before Abby arrives. I just hope I can clear some of this tension. I always expected there would be a little awkwardness between Abby and the kids when she came back to us. But I never expected it would last more than a couple of hours. I don’t know how long this is going to last. All I know is that if it lasts much longer, it will break my heart, just as it was finally beginning to mend.
“Honey, can you run to the store and get a few extra pillows? I forgot we had to throw some out last time we were here when Ryder got sick.”
“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. Yeah, I’ll run out and get some in a little while.” Chris tests out the bed to make sure it’s locked in position, then he looks around the room. “I’ll get Junior to help me move this furniture around later.”
“Caleb can help you,” Jimi says.
Chris flashes her a look, then he seems to decide not to address this comment. “I’ll take Ryder with me to the store. You need anything else?”
“Yeah, get some eggs and stuff so I can make breakfast tomorrow.”
“Will do, babe.”
He plants a quick kiss on my temple then squeezes his way through the tight space between the two beds. I sit on the bed next to Jimi and wait until I hear Chris and Ryder are gone before I speak.
“I know this is difficult for you.”
“I don’t want to talk about this, Mom.”
She opens the top drawer of her nightstand and pulls out a set of wireless headphones. I grab the headphones before she can put them on.
“Don’t do that. I’m trying to have a conversation with you. Talk to me, Jimi. I want to hear your side of this. I want to make this easier for you.”
She lets out a short burst of laughter, and I fully expect her to make a caustic comment about how much I don’t care. Then her eyes begin to water and she pulls her legs up onto the bed so she can hug her knees to her chest and hide her face.
“Oh, honey,” I murmur, brushing her long light-brown hair back so it’s not covering her eyes. “I hate to see you this way. Please talk to me.”
“I’m not crying because of Abby or my stupid phone. I’m just upset. I… I got in a fight with Sydney and now this whole summer is going to suck. I just hate everything right now.”
Jimi has always had a problem talking about her feelings. Now she’s making up some excuse about a fight with Sydney to avoid the topic. I scoot a bit closer and wrap my arms around her shoulders. Then I lean my forehead against hers and she lets out a soft sob. Straightening out her legs on the bed, she lays her head on my shoulder as I pull her closer.
“I’m sorry,” she blubbers into my neck. “I don’t want to ruin this for you.”
I squeeze her tighter. “Don’t apologize. You’re not ruining anything.”
“Yes, I am. But I can’t help it.”
I stroke her hair and kiss the top of her head. “Jimi, I don’t want you to set your feelings aside. You have a right to feel what you’re feeling.”
“No, I don’t. This is supposed to be a happy time… for you.”
I release my hold on her and lean back so I can look her in the eye. “You have a right to feel scared. And I love that you don’t want to share us. I don’t want to share you with anyone else either. Hint-hint, Jared.”
She lets out a congested chuckle at my mention of the cute boy she’s been exchanging text messages with since the last day of school a week and a half ago.
“But listen to me, Jimi. Just because I don’t want to share you doesn’t mean that you don’t need me to. You need the love of your friends as much as you need my love. And I need to have Abby here as much as I need you. I love you both, baby. And I know it’s probably difficult for you to understand how I can love her so much after all these years. I wish I could explain it, but I can’t. It’s just love. It doesn’t make sense. And it doesn’t mean I love you any less. It doesn’t mean you’re not still your father’s princess.”
She sniffs loudly and nods as she stands from the bed. “I’m going to take a shower.”
I stand up after her and turn around when I get to the door. “I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
I close her bedroom door behind me to give her some privacy, then I pull my phone out of my pocket and dial Senia’s number. I called her this morning after Chris left to meet Tristan, and I told her everything. She wanted to come to my house right then and there, but I told her the kids were all gone already. Senia is still the only friend who will drop everything to be there for me when I need her. As she still likes to say, she’s my sister from another mister.
“What happened?”
“What kind of way is that to answer the phone?” I say, descending the last few steps and heading straight for the kitchen.
“Sorry, I’m just a little desperate to find out what’s going on over there. Is Abby there yet?”
“No, she’s still on her way.” I grab a pad of paper and a pen out of a junk drawer in the kitchen and I head for the pantry to make a grocery list. I’ll text it to Chris as soon as I’m off the phone.
“What are you planning to do with her? Just pretend like the last eighteen years never happened?”
“I can’t erase the last eighteen years and, honestly, I don’t want to. They’ve taken such good care of her, Senia. You have to come down for the bonfire next weekend. You have to see how beautiful she is. And she’s so smart and… I just don’t know what I’m going to do when she goes home.”
“Oh, Claire. I’d hate to see you get your heart broken again.”
I jot down a few missing items on my list, then I come out of the pantry and head for the kitchen sink. I gaze out the window at the waves breaking on the sand and I try to imagine what it would be like to lose Abby a second time. But I can’t.
“I know it sounds crazy, but I think you have nothing to worry about. Just promise me you’ll come for the bonfire on Saturday. I need to introduce Abby to her Aunt Senia.”
“Oh, you slut. You made me cry.”
After I end the call with Senia and text the grocery list to Chris, I lay my phone on the kitchen counter and step outside through the front door onto the porch overlooking the ocean. The sun has almost set, so the evening breeze is starting to pick up, lifting the hairs around my face. I admire the waves while I make a mental list of things I need to do to prepare for the bonfire.
“Mom?”
I spin around and Junior is standing in the doorway. “Yes?”
He smiles and steps outside, then he wraps his arms around my shoulders. “Just wanted to give you a hug.”
He’s already an inch taller than me, so I squeeze him around the waist as hard as I can. “You’re getting so tall. Pretty soon you’re going to leave me, too.”
“I won’t leave you, Mom.” I squeeze him hard and he laughs. “I swear. I’m not going anywhere.”
I let him go and Abby and Caleb are standing just inside the open front door. But she’s not looking at Junior and me. She’s mesmerized by the ocean. She steps outside slowly, her gaze fixed on the crashing waves.
I want to take her hand and wade out into the water with her, the way I used to do when the kids were too small to go in the ocean alone. But that would be awkward at her age. Wouldn’t it?
I reach out my hand slowly and she stares at it for a moment before she takes it. “Come on. The water’s very warm at this time of day.”
She nods and we head down the long wooden ramp toward the beach, Caleb and Junior following closely behind us. The breeze gets cooler and the briny smell of the ocean gets stronger the closer we get to the shore. When we reach the water’s edge, Junior and Caleb strip off their T-shirts and shoes, then they race into the waves in their shorts. Abby and I kick off our sandals and she looks a bit apprehensive about going into the water.
That’s when I remember something someone once told me when I was a bit scared of the roaring surf at this beach.
“A good friend of mine once told me to pay attention to the rhythm and movement of the water. Once you figure out the pattern, it’s not so scary.”
I hold out my hand to her again and I’m surprised when she takes it. We head for the water, her in her shorts and me in my knee-length skirt. But the moment the water touches her feet, she yelps.
“Oh, my God. Something touched me!”
I chuckle as a piece of seaweed washes ashore next to her foot. “It’s just seaweed. Are you okay?”
She laughs and steps away from the limp sea plant. “I’m fine.”
We take a few more steps, until the water kisses the hem of my skirt. She yelps a few more times when some more seaweed gets tangled on her ankle. And I have to admit that I’m almost glad for the seaweed when she grabs onto my arm with both hands, as if I can protect her from the slimy plants.
With each tiny wave that crashes into our legs, I see her relax a little more. Until finally, she’s gazing at Junior and Caleb, who are about twenty yards farther in, and she smiles. “This is beautiful.”
“This is yours, for as long as you want to stay here.”