chapter One
Present
ETHAN STUMBLED IN through the front door, a three-fourths empty bottle of Jack Daniels in hand. I awoke from my light sleep on the couch. I didn’t even feel like cursing anymore. But the facts were hard to deny. Drunk again.
This had become our nightly ritual. I would doze on the couch waiting for Ethan to come home drunk. Only tonight was different. I had to break the news to him.
He clomped across the room and I said, “Ethan, would you sit down for a minute, please?”
Usually, I would just stare at him, my eyes full of hope, but he would just go to the bedroom and pass out on the bed with his clothes still on. Things had changed, though…and he had to know.
With a look of confusion (or irritation—I wasn’t sure which), he trod across the floor and fell into the chair next to the couch. His words were slurred. Big surprise. “Are you mad at me, Val?” He set the bottle on the coffee table with a little more force than he’d intended. It was loud, but he just blinked.
No, I wasn’t mad at him. I had grown used to Ethan coming home in this condition. For months now, he’d been coming home this way. Only occasionally would he come home early (and sober) as the Ethan I’d grown to love. Those few precious nights were the nights when he’d hold me in his arms all night long and remind me that he really did love me.
“No, Ethan, but I want you to listen to me carefully.” His glazed, bloodshot eyes narrowed as he leaned forward. He slowly lifted his shaky hand to run through his long, tousled reddish-brown hair. I’d spent hours earlier thinking of exactly what to say, but now it felt like a struggle to force the words out of my mouth. “I really don’t know how to say this, so I’m just gonna spit it out.” I inhaled a deep breath and forced myself to look him in the eyes. “I’m pregnant.”
He looked confused again and then sat back in the chair. His eyes had changed from the slits they’d been to wide open; they looked full of disbelief. “You’re what? But how?”
Hmm…well, how could I explain it to him? It wasn’t his fault, but I didn’t feel like it was mine either. No sense lying about it. I swallowed and found the courage to just say it. “Well, since we hardly…have sex anymore, I stopped taking the pill.” I really couldn’t call it making love, since love hardly seemed involved lately. Anymore, when we bothered, it was simply out of need. The love, the passion…it was gone, and I didn’t know if we could ever get it back.
He just stared forward for what seemed like hours. He didn’t look at me, just looked ahead. I could hear the clock in the hall tick-tocking and Ethan’s heavy, erratic breathing. I had feared he would react this way—angry—but I wouldn’t give up my child. I had always wanted to be a mother. But was he angry? I couldn’t tell. In all the years I’d known Ethan, I still had problems telling what he was thinking. In fact, it was that mystery that used to intrigue me, keep me excited, on my toes. Now it just made me nervous as hell.
The minutes ticked away. Was he taking so long because of his drunken stupor (and was he on the verge of falling asleep), or was he searching for how to put his thoughts into words? And would his words make me angry too?
How much simpler my life would be if I had never met Ethan Richards. I wouldn’t have to worry about my husband’s response to when I had to confess I was pregnant, if he would come home sober, if he had been faithful…but that was all wishful thinking. I couldn’t have married another man. I loved my Ethan way too much, even though he’d been f*cked up beyond recognition for quite some time. I loved his heart, his soul. I loved the way his full lips turned up in a smile when I caught his hard green eyes. I loved the way he’d grown out his hair, how it flowed past his neck, his rock hard arms—I loved it all. No matter what had happened between us, I knew I would always love him.
And now, I guessed, was the time I’d find out how much he loved me. I’d lost a lot of sleep the past few nights wondering when I should break the news. Even now I wondered if I’d chosen the right time. But it was too late to wonder. It was already done, and I just had to wait for him to respond.
Finally, he broke the silence. I was happy to see a twinkle penetrate his eye, his mouth crack open in a smile. “That’s f*cking fantastic, Val.” His response, much to my surprise, was positive. Of all reactions, this was the one I had hoped for the most but expected the least. After I recovered from my initial shock, he continued. “You know I’ve always wanted to be a father. I’ll be a great dad.” He sucked in a deep breath, but his smile hadn’t faded. I could tell he wanted to believe what he was saying. “I’ll quit drinking, smoking, partying. I’ll act like a real father should.” He stood up. “I can’t believe we’re having a baby.” With that, he fell back into the chair.
I hadn’t expected him to say anything that good. I had thought he’d be angry, frustrated, and upset at the thought of a baby. We had talked about children in the vaguest way, as a future far-off, someday dream, and we had agreed we wouldn’t have children until we’d both felt we were ready. So the fact that he not only accepted the idea but even liked it was hard for me to believe. Ethan had never wanted to be tied down…and here he was with a wife and soon-to-be-born baby. His happiness was incredible.
“Ethan…are you serious?”
He didn’t blink. “Valerie, I’ve never been more serious in my life.”
I guessed I would soon find out just how serious he was.