We head offstage and back to our dressing rooms, and I stew for the entire time I’m taking off my makeup and getting changed.
By the time Ethan knocks on my door, I’m close to fuming.
I yell, “Come in!”, and he’s barely closed the door before I’m leveling my finger at him.
“I really wanted you to tell me without me having to ask, but it’s driving me insane. What are you hiding from me?”
“What?”
“You know what I’m talking about. You’ve been cagey all week.”
“Cassie…”
“You promised I could trust you! Told me you were an open book. Was that all just bullshit?”
“No.”
“Then tell me. I heard you on the phone the other day. I know something’s going on. You said it had nothing to do with me, but I’m pretty damn sure it does.”
He sighs. “There was a casting director in the audience last week. She wants me to go to L.A. to guest star in the new hit HBO drama. It’s a pretty big role, and my agent is pushing me to take it.”
“Then why don’t you?”
“Because … we’ve only been open four weeks, and we’re making real progress offstage, and … I don’t want to go.”
“Ethan…”
“There’ll be other opportunities. It’s not like I’ll be blacklisted for turning it down.”
“No, but you’d be a complete dumbass if you did.”
“See? This is why I didn’t tell you.”
“Because I’d tell you to take it?”
“Yes.”
“That’s dumb.”
“No, it’s not.” He stands and comes over to me. “I want to stay here and do this fucking amazing play with you every night and not fly to the other side of the country for a week. Why is that so wrong?”
“Because it’s only a week, and we’ll be fine without you. This is a really fantastic opportunity. Has your agent cleared it with the producers?”
“Yes. They’re concerned about disappointing audiences, but at the same time, they think the publicity would be great.”
“It would be.”
“So you wouldn’t give a shit if I went away for a week?”
“Of course I would, but I’d survive. We may need some extra rehearsals to make sure your understudy is ready to go, but Nathan’s quick. He’ll be fine.”
I don’t miss the way he almost flinches then shoves his hands in his pockets.
“Oh, God, please tell me the reason you don’t want to go isn’t because you’re freaking out about me performing love scenes with your understudy.”
He shakes his head. “That’s not it.”
He doesn’t look at me. Alarm bells go off in my head. “I feel stupid for even saying it.”
“Just do it. You’re freaking me out.”
He takes a breath. “I don’t want to leave you. I’ve been there and done that more often than I should and now that. I’ve worked so fucking hard to get back here and be with you … I don’t think I can do it.”
“Ethan—”
“No, you don’t understand. Here, I get to touch you and kiss you every day, even if it’s only in the play. How the hell can I leave that?”
“It’s only for a week.”
“A week without you feels like a year. Trust me. I know this.”
I go over and put my arms around him. He squeezes me so tight, it’s almost uncomfortable.
“You can do this. You need to.”
“Why?”
I pull back and level him with my serious face. “Remember what you said to me years ago, right before you left? You said, ‘There’s only so much you can watch someone sacrifice before you realize they’re changing who they are for you, and not in a good way.’ Well, that’s what’s happening here. I love how far you’ve come and all the strength and courage you have now, but not doing this because of me? That’s just wrong. Call your agent and tell him you’re taking the job.”
“Cassie…”
“Seriously, Ethan. Do it. I’ll be waiting here when you get back.”
He hugs me again, and I run my fingers through his hair. “You know, Dr. Kate said something interesting today. She said people are too obsessed with conquering their fear when they should just learn to accept it and do stuff that scares them anyway.”
He exhales against my neck. “I’m scared to leave you again.”
I pull back and look him in the eyes. “Do it anyway.”
“I love you,” he says as he cups my face. “You know that, right?”
“You tell me every day. How could I forget?”
One of these days, I’ll accept my fear of saying it back and do it anyway.
Three Years Earlier
Westchester, New York
The Grove
Finals week is hell. I wander between classes in a daze. I’m exhausted from spending time with Ethan and avoiding all the things we should be talking about, and preoccupied with detaching my emotions so I can concentrate.
My final acting assessment is pretty much a disaster. I’m so shut down, I can’t even conjure up the most basic emotion, so I fake my way through it and hope Erika doesn’t notice.
Of course she notices.
Even before I’m finished, I can see the disappointment on her face. When I look at Ethan, I see disappointment, too, but on him it goes much deeper.