Broken Juliet

“Shut up.”

 

I pull him to his feet and gesture to the bedroom. “Go take a look.”

 

He frowns. “What?”

 

“Go look to make sure Connor isn’t in my bed. Check the closet, too. And Ruby’s room. While you’re at it, you might as well check my phone and computer. Make sure I’m not cyber-or text-fucking him.”

 

He drops his head.

 

“Go on. Look.”

 

He drags his fingers through his hair and pushes it off his forehead. “I don’t need to look.”

 

“Don’t you?”

 

“No.” He walks over and puts his arms around me. “You’re right. I am an idiot.”

 

He buries his head in my neck, and that’s all it takes to defuse me. Then he presses his lips against my pulse, and I’m all wound up again.

 

Why doesn’t he understand this is what I want? This crazy über-lust he can elicit with a single brush of his lips. Doesn’t he get that no one will ever make me feel the way he does?

 

Dumb man.

 

He pulls open my robe, and gentle fingers trail apologies all over me.

 

“Tell me you love me again,” he whispers.

 

I cup his face. “I love you. More than that, I’m completely in love with you. Stop being ridiculous, please.” I kiss his chest and feel the rapid pounding beneath the muscle.

 

“I’ll try. It’s not easy. I’ve been this way for too long.”

 

“You don’t need to be.”

 

“Please inform my brain of that. It won’t listen to me.”

 

“Take me to bed. That’ll make your brain shut up.”

 

He scoops me up and carries me to the bedroom. I kiss him and touch him in all the ways I know he likes, as I try to chase away his fears for a while.

 

When we finally join, I see him let go of the doubt. But I know from experience that this sexual exorcism won’t last long though. We’ll make love and fall asleep in each other’s arms, and everything will be perfect, but in the morning the shadows will return.

 

I keep telling myself that if we can just make it to graduation, we’ll be okay. Connor will go his way, and I’ll go mine, and Ethan will have no reason to doubt anymore. But the logical part of me whispers that there’ll always be a Connor. Someone who threatens him and makes him feel like he’s going to lose me. And even though it will never, ever be true, I have no idea how to convince him otherwise.

 

 

 

 

After a few seconds, I realize I’ve gone silent.

 

I look up to find Dr. Kate staring at me.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

I don’t answer.

 

“Just breathe, Cassie. Allow everything you’re feeling to have its moment, then let it go. Every breath will lessen the anxiety. You don’t need it anymore.”

 

I take deep breaths. The more I do it, the easier it gets.

 

After a couple of minutes, I feel calm enough to open my eyes.

 

Dr. Kate gives me a warm smile. “Well done. How do you feel?”

 

“Drained.”

 

“Good. That means you’re purging. Each time you do it, your emotional burden will lessen, and that’s our goal.”

 

She looks at the clock. “We have a few minutes left. Is there anything else that’s been weighing on your mind?”

 

I take another slow breath and let it out before saying, “I sometimes get this overwhelming sense of … guilt about Ethan, when things started going wrong.”

 

“About what?”

 

I shake my head. “How I couldn’t help him. I feel like a lot of this stuff is my fault, because I wasn’t strong enough or clever enough or patient enough to help him change.”

 

She puts down her notebook and takes off her glasses. “Cassie, let me assure you, it’s not possible to change people. You can encourage and support them, but that’s about it. The rest is up to them.”

 

“But I feel like I should’ve done more.”

 

She looks at me for a few seconds, then crosses her legs. “Do you like books?”

 

For a moment, I’m thrown by her sudden left turn. “Um … Yes.”

 

“Well,” she says as she laces her fingers together, “let’s say people were books. Everyone who comes into our lives is given a glimpse of a few of our pages. If they like us, we show them more pages. If we like them, we want them to see the unedited parts. Some people may make notes in the margins. Leave their marks upon us and our story. But ultimately, the words that are printed—that represent us as a person—don’t change without our permission.”

 

She leans forward and gives me a smile.

 

“You had a huge impact on Ethan. No doubt, in the story of his life, you’ve left your mark everywhere. It’s unfortunate that a lot of other people did as well. Ethan made a choice to delete their contributions and only keep the things that made him stronger. He reprinted himself, if you like. The only person who was capable of doing that was Ethan. Just like the only person who can rewrite your story and how it ends is you. Do you understand what I’m saying?”