She is pressed against me on her bed, her body wrapped in a sheet. I’m still dressed, my clothing more than a physical barrier between us.
I close my eyes. I am suddenly terrified of losing her. But I can't do this to her any longer. I can't be selfish here, no matter how dark and lonely the night will be without her.
I've only known her a short period of time but I need her like air. I need her. Abby. She is my light in the darkness. My rock.
I hesitate, unable to speak.
Waiting. Like she expects me to tell her I've got some incurable disease and have two weeks to live.
"What's wrong?" There is fear in her golden eyes. Hesitation and warmth where there had been only warmth and desire.
I suck in a deep breath. There is nowhere for me to go. I could avoid this once more. Use my mouth to drive her to mindless pleasure.
But sooner or later, she'll figure things out. And if I'm not honest with her, if I don't tell her now, I will destroy the very woman I'm falling for.
It helps that I'm a little drunk. It makes the shame a little easier to bear.
I take her hands. I can't find the words for a long, long moment. Finally, I guide her hand to the fabric covering my useless cock.
Her breath hitches as her palm curls around me. I can feel her. A forced, cautious smile at the edge of her lips. "You don't seem very excited to see me."
I swallow the fear. God but her hand feels good on me. It's been so f*ck
ing long since anyone has touched me there. Since I've touched even myself. I close my eyes and lower my forehead to hers. "It doesn't work anymore."
She stills and says nothing. I suppose it’s a victory that she doesn’t pull away.
I hold my breath, waiting for her to step away from me. To leave me, alone and broken and useless.
I close my eyes, avoiding the shame. Avoiding the pain.
My lungs are tight. It hurts to breathe.
She slips her hand free from mine. My skin is cold where she touched me.
My heart shatters in my chest, breaking into a thousand tiny pieces.
I feel her move.
"I'll go."
Then she stuns me. Her palm is warm as she urges my face up. Her body is warm as she slides across me, her legs on either side of my hips. "Why on earth would I want you to do that?" she whispers.
I swallow the lump that suddenly blocks my throat. "I can’t…You didn't hear me wrong, Abby. I can't…"
Her palms are warm and gentle on my skin. Suddenly all I can feel is the warmth of her skin against my cheeks.
I want to reach out. I want to touch her. But I am gutted with shame.
She leans closer, and her breath is a soft huff against my skin. She presses her lips to the center of my forehead. "I don't care."
Her words fall on disbelieving ears. She can't be telling the truth. She simply can't.
"We can't have sex, Abby." I can't look at her. "I…you deserve someone whole. Someone who isn't a f*ck
ed-up half-man."
She presses her index finger to my mouth. "Don't talk about my friend like that," she whispers.
“That was pretty corny.” I laugh weakly. "You can't tell me that sex doesn't matter to you."
"Of course it does." She shifts and rocks gently against me where I am useless and soft. "But sex is more than just insert tab a into slot b."
I groan softly at the terrible joke. "You’re on a roll with bad jokes."
"Yeah, I know." She lifts my chin, her fingers pressing against my cheeks. She brushes her lips over mine, teasing and soft. "You've made me feel alive in a way I haven't in a long, long time."
I glance up at her. She is surrounded by light, her skin cast in shadows, the color of dark honey. "You're serious?"
"I guess you haven't been paying attention." She smiles wickedly. "Your penis isn't what I like about you."
I choke on a horrified laugh and drop my head to her chest. Her arms circle my shoulders and hold me. In the thousand different ways this could have gone, I never imagined it would be like this.
Because I haven’t told her all of it. She only knows the part of my secret I can barely summon the courage to put into words. But she doesn't know all of my shame.
And when she finds out, there will be nothing that will keep us together. But until then, I am selfish enough that I cannot let her go.
Abby
I think I am not as surprised by his revelation as I should be. There was always something more with him, something he wasn’t ready to let the world see.
In a million years, I wouldn’t have guessed it would have been this.
He’s young. He’s healthy.
I can’t imagine living with this. Not as a guy our age, when everyone else around us is talking about hooking up.
I curl into him, needing nothing more at the moment than to be where I am. I don’t know what to say.
“You’re surprisingly okay with this,” he says after the silence stretches between us.
“You clearly overestimate the value of a penis in this equation.” I lift my head to make sure he sees I’m joking.