chapter 10
Kat lay on top of the bed, her nightclothes in a heap. Rafael was gone, as if he had never taken breath, as if there had been no overwhelming desire between them, no pleasure, no touching, none of it had ever been.
Mum wanted to speak to her, probably to make trite excuses. It seemed a lifetime ago but the horror was still with her. What had Rafael let loose? She couldn’t possibly face seeing her. Mum hadn’t wanted her then, and Kat didn’t want her now?
She eventually slept, and Rafael’s lips became as real as they’d ever been, hands touching, fingers exploring. Kat struggled for consciousness to dispel him. She awoke and lay staring at the ceiling. Lights from passing cars, made strange patterns on the walls, only to disappear seconds later.
She coexisted in the garden of the villa, chased by angry giants, walking through endless corridors, sat opposite Rafael, eating, candles glowing and flickering. The trail of ghosts had no end.
The following morning she checked out and went home.
Home remained blissfully normal. She busied herself washing clothes and tidying the house. The garden needed weeding and the lawn mowing, a dozen things to keep her mind occupied and her hands busy. At any moment she expected to see the familiar figure of Francine. She dreaded seeing her, yet wanted to. How mixed up could she be? Things needed sorting.
***
Kat wiped flour from her hands, flipped open the cell-phone, and deposited a streak of flour on her nose. The kitchen was a mess, pans strewn over work surfaces, dirty plates in the washing bowl. A man’s at the other end said, “Is that Miss Bligh.”
“Yes. Can I help?”
“Nathan Ashleigh, lawyer. I wonder whether you have any thoughts about the offer from my client.”
Kat closed her eyes. Suddenly the offer seemed tempting. She said, “Well… it sounds interesting… But I haven’t given a lot of thought, I’m afraid.”
“Oh!” He sounded disappointed. “I rather hoped you would have done. My client is busy, and the offer won’t be about for much longer.”
Kat’s fingers trembled. The fabric, finally perfected, flowed like liquid over the skin, almost transparent. It would complement Italian Concept perfectly. The collection could be among the most sensuous on the market.
She had already run up an outfit from the fabric and been stunned with the result. Cut on the bias, the dress caressed the curves of her body. For moments, it was as if she wore nothing. It became a shimmering ethereal mist, diaphanous material sluicing over her like opulent liquid. It shimmered. She had never seen anything cling like it, yet the fabric flowed and modesty was preserved.
All she needed now was a manufacturer to weave commercial quantities. A cash injection now would work wonders.
He said, “We understand there’s been a disagreement between your and Las Modas Ibéricas. This might be an opportune moment to consider a change.”
“I don’t know… I’m interested, but...”
“Well, capture my number and text me.”
“Yes I’ll do that.”
“Make it soon, Miss Bligh. We need an answer.”
***
Filled with tension, Rafael paused at the open gates, and wondered whether people were visiting. It seemed a good idea an hour ago, but now he wasn’t so sure. If there were visitors, could he go through with it? He stared at the house, debating whether to say it this way, or that.
He had never been there. The place looked…comfortable… smart without being contrived. A gravel drive, curved, flanked on one side by shrubs, by a lawn on the other. The house looked solid, middleclass, dependable. He expected something like a penthouse apartment, with open plan living, infinite stretches of glass, and all manner of arty things. He was wrong.
Was he putting it off? He never used to be like this, but he suffered a dollop of uncertainty after Kat left.
He forced himself to walk steadily up the drive. Anything he said would need not only the shield of reality, but a suppressing of emotion, which would be difficult because his emotions were running damn high.
It took him thirty slow strides to traverse the drive. Each step crunched in the gravel and he thought it would make it difficult for intruders to be quiet. He counted fourteen types of shrubs and could not name any. Gardening was to be admired from a distance. He liked results, liked to bathe in colour and silence, but had never planted a single flower. Others were employed to do that.
He saw her through the kitchen window, stopped for a moment and allowed himself to watch. She talked on a phone, face screwed in concentration, body angled over, and a splash of white flour on her nose. His eyes rested on her hair, on the way it fell over her face, the way she brushed it off, on the arch of her neck, which had been so good to kiss.
Watching Kat engendered powerful feelings, animal cravings, which would engulf him if allowed. His yearning was a million miles outside reason. Kat, and no one else, could bring out such emotion.
He moved forward toward the door and she must have heard his footsteps because she suddenly looked up. Light from the kitchen flooded him as she opened the door. Her body language changed as she recognized him, immediately rigid. He filled with sentiment. Why had things changed so much?
He said, “You should be more careful. The automatic gates, they’re open. Electric gates are for shutting. Where’s the security if you leave them open?”
Kat clutched at the doorjamb for support, he watched her knuckles go white. She said, “What do you want? I thought I’d seen the last of you.”
“I’d hoped it was more a case of what you want?”
Her eyes narrowed into slits. She turned to go back into the house.
“Wait!” He took two strides to reach her side. He was ashamed to find his hands shaking, and stuffed them into his pockets.
She said sharply, “Don’t tell me what to do, Rafael. Not in my house. I’m not one of your lackeys.”
“Is this the real you, Kat. Playing games with people’s emotions until you’ve sucked out every drop of dignity. Is this what you did to the others?”
“Don’t be stupid.”
“Then why do it to me?” He stared at her. Why did she have to look so defenceless? Her vulnerability had always been intimidating. Rafael hated her now for reminding him of it. Would there never be an escape?
He said more evenly, “Well!”
She still didn’t speak. The clammy heat of the evening washed over him in waves. His shirt clung, sticky and uncomfortable. All the old fears, all the old emotions raced through his gut. His tongue felt huge as if it would never work again.
He swallowed. She would probably hate him for what he had in store, but he had to go through with it. “Do you know what you are?” he said. “You’re a destroyer, a f*cking destroyer. You rip people’s hearts out. You take what you want then when you’re finished; toss them away like pieces of shit. People think I’m callous, but you? Compared to you, I’m a f*cking beginner.”
Katrina clamped her hands over her ears. “I’m not listening.”
Rafael hit the kitchen surface with the flat of his hand. “You will listen! You’ll hear me out if it’s the last thing you do.”
“You’ve been drinking! You’re drunk! I can smell alcohol on you.”
“And you’re a dangerous vixen.” His lips stretched thin. “But in the morning I’ll be sober… You? You’ll still be as dangerous. Meanwhile, I’m quite capable.”
“Capable of what?”
Fragments of memories fluttered across his eyes. He’d once thought himself adept at lovemaking. Now how did he feel? Washed out… disgraced… angry with her for doing this to him. Damn angry. He reached and slammed the door shut so there was no quick means of escape.
She appeared to shrink as he drew closer, looked at him with alarm.
He said, “Don’t pretend you’re scared; I couldn’t begin to believe it.”
“The mood you’re in, you’re capable of anything.”
Predictable that she would shift the responsibility on him. He said, “For heaven’s sake, you make it sound as if I’m the one causing the pain.”
“Why have you come, Rafael? What are you after?”
Rafael had the abrupt sensation of being cornered. She’d twisted things again. He said, “I wanted to let you see what you’ve done, how low you’ve driven me. I came to vent my feelings.”
“Well you’ve vented them, so you can go.”
“It’s not all.”
“So what is?”
“You’re seeing your mother. I’ve arranged it.”
There, he’d said it. He watched her carefully to see what her response would be.
Kat went white and started to turn away. “Like hell I am.”
Rafael grabbed her arm. She tried to shrug him off but he tightened his grip. “You’re going to listen to what she has to say. You’ve got it wrong. You’ve got everything wrong.”
She glared ferociously. “You know nothing.”
“You’d be surprised what I know.”
“Bastard!”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be gone soon, the flight’s arranged,” he said. “But I’m going to see this through first… then I won’t bother you again.”
“It won’t be soon enough.”
“I just want you to know whatever game you’re playing, you’ve won. I accept defeat. I submit. Aliaga was right; I should’ve listened to her. But you’re damn-well going to do this before I go.”
“You shit!” she said hoarsely. “What gives you the right to interfere?”
She tried to beat at his chest with her fists but he held her firm. Rafael squeezed his eyes shut, tried to ward off treacherous thoughts leaping to mind. Even now, she could drag emotions out of him that he didn’t even know he had.
He said, “Jeez… I love you.”
He heard Katrina catch her breath.
It became silent.
He had said the wrong damn thing again. She’d told him never to say it.
“And what about all the others?” she whispered. “Do you love them too? Francine? The party seekers, what about them? Do you love everybody?”
Rafael stared. Things were spoiled again. He was sworn to secrecy and couldn’t explain. He became filled with a deep sense of loss.
She said with triumph, “You can’t confront truth, can you?” She spun away. “You mess with my head. I can’t put up with it anymore.”
He said, “You should talk to Francine. Listen to her side.”
Kat threw back her head and her hair spilled into curtains. She said, “Maybe I will.”
“Francine is weak, that’s her problem. She gets taken advantage of.”
“I think I know her well enough, thank you.”
“Do you. I think perhaps not as well as you hope. I don’t think you’ve ever known.”
She lifted her head proudly. “I know more than you’ve ever given me credit for.”
“Have you?”
“Your reputation is hardly untainted.”
“My reputation?” Rafael pulled his face. “We’ve been down this road a dozen times. I’ve already told you, the fantasy is wrong.”
Kat laughed scathingly. “So you’re telling me you don’t like wine, women, and song? Rafael, you were caught. Don’t lie your way out.”
“You’re wrong, you know.” He shook his head disparagingly. “But I needed to tell you what I thought. I needed to put the record straight. You should talk to the right people before you accuse anyone of lying. Talk to Francine; talk to your mother.”
“The record is already as straight as it needs to be. I’ve seen through you, Rafael. Don’t take me for a fool.”
“I’ve never taken you as a fool, Kat, you should know that.”
“These are lives you’re messing with. Don’t you respect anyone’s feelings?”
“Feelings? What the hell do you know about feelings?” He said. “And as for pretending. You’re the one who’s pretending. I hoped it wasn’t true but…well let’s say I know better now.”
“For God’s sake stop play acting. Get real!” Kat covered her ears to shut his words out. Rafael instinctively tried to hold her. She pushed him away. “What a damned fool I was,” she sobbed. “I meant nothing to you. I thought it was heaven, but it turned to hell.”
“You meant everything to me.”
She spun from him and made for the outside door. He followed. She marched across the gravel drive, to the lawn, and down to a seat close by the summerhouse. She sat facing the house. Lamps came on automatically and flooded the garden and house with light.
He sat at the other end of the seat without looking at her. He said, “Listen to me.”
“No Rafael. I won’t listen. I’m through with listening.”
“No you’re not, Rafael said heatedly. “I’m going to tell you one last time. I love you. It’s simple, and it’s true. You destroyed me and damaged the company, but I still love you. You need to get your facts straight. Talk to the right people.”
“So it’s all down to me is it? It’s nothing to do with you and Francine then? It isn’t your fault. The little setup between you and Francine, I’ve realised it was engineered. Heaven knows how or why but I know it was engineered.”
He frowned. What did she mean? How could she possibly think they’d contrived something? He said, “There are none as blind as those who don’t want to see.”
“You’re talking in riddles.” Kat said wearily.
“Am I? And here I thought you were the enigma. One of us has to be wrong.”
Rafael looked at her. She had the most delicate features, the most evenly balanced face he’d ever seen. Her nose was perfect; her skin glowed, her eyes were the most intense he could imagine. He said, “You really are beautiful.”
Suddenly he kissed her.
An involuntary gasp escaped her lips.
“Tell me you don’t love me,” he said gruffly. “And if you do I’ll tell you you’re lying.”
She turned her head from him. “I can’t love you,” she said in a wobbly voice. “You already know that.”
“And I say that you can, and do.”
Kat’s eyes filled. He dug into his pocket for a handkerchief and she took it from him and scrubbed her face.
“Why do you fight it? You can’t even persuade yourself so how do you expect to persuade me.”
She refused to look at him.
He held her face. “Don’t you know I’m crazy about you?”
“Don’t dare say that. I know you’ve said the same to a dozen others.”
“You couldn’t be more wrong.”
“So what about Francine? Tell me what you and Francine were doing together in your house. Tell me why she spent so much time there? Don’t deny she did.”
He leaned forward, elbows on knees. “I wouldn’t begin to deny it, but I didn’t do what you think I’ve done.”
“Oh no! And I suppose you’re going to say that what happened between us was unique, that you were a virgin until you met me?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“I hate you!” Kat’s lips were thin. “You f*cked her. You shared her bed while you shared mine.”
“You’re so wrong,” he said thickly.
“Am I?”
“I never went to bed with her.” He caught her shoulders and forced her to look at him. “We didn’t share anything. Ask Fran.”
“I’m asking you.”
“I gave my word.”
“Bullshit.”
“This has gone far enough. Speak to her. I promised not to say anything.”
“You sound like a broken record.”
“And what about you? Don’t you think you sound like one as well?” He grabbed her arm. “I’ve heard enough of this.”
Kat stiffened. “What are you doing?”
“You’re going to hear it off Francine whether or not. You’re going to either ring her, or go around. You choose.”
***
The dial tone purred. Kat’s fingers wouldn’t stop shaking, fluttering against the cord, until finally the phone picked up. She cleared her throat, “Francine, Kat.”
“Hi, baby, I meant to call, but…”
“And me.”
“I didn’t think you’d want to speak to me again. I… I couldn’t pluck up courage.”
Katrina said, “Me neither, not till now.”
“But you have. You’ve always had more courage.”
“Not by myself. Rafael’s with me.”
“Oh… has he told you… Has he said…?”
“He’s said nothing.”
“Oh!”
“What’s going on Fran? I’m half out of my mind.”
“I know you probably are. I’m so ashamed. I just didn’t seem able to control them though. He told me after the last time, he warned me… I just hoped…”
“Hoped what Francine?”
“Well I suppose I thought they’d cool it, but they didn’t.”
“You’re not making sense.”
“The girls. He threatened to transfer his business if they did it again. I told them, but they didn’t listen. If there’s anything, anything I can do to make up for it.”
“What the hell happened?”
“Some stupid girls got out of control. I was at my wits’ end. I tried to contain them, honest I did, but they started removing their clothes in front of that awful man, God, isn’t he just big and ugly. They teased him, trying to get him worked up.”
“Fran, what the hell got into them?”
“I don’t know, drink, drugs. The trouble was, Rafael came back early and that’s when it hit the fan. He called for security, threw the girls out, and threatened to rip up my contract. I pleaded with him not to tell you. I was so ashamed. I can’t tell you how ashamed I was.”
“Christ! Why didn’t you say something? We could have worked it through… you and me. There would have been something.”
“I don’t know, Kat. It mustn’t come between us though. Promise it won’t affect our friendship; don’t let it do that.”
Kat stood staring at the receiver for an age after Francine had put hers down. What had she done? Rafael wasn’t guilty of anything. No wonder he was livid as hell, having his name splashed in the papers and having the Valencia show ruined. She gathered herself to face him.
He was still outside.
It was silent except a dog barking in the distance, and the rattle of a garbage can. Rafael studied the night. Kat went to him. She sighed. “I was wrong.”
Rafael put his hands into his pockets and paced back and forth. His voice was strange. “She didn’t want you to know.”
“I know.”
“I feel guilty now.”
“I’m the one who forced the situation by being so stupid.” Kat screwed her handkerchief. She felt stripped, stripped of conflict, stripped of dignity, stripped of everything. How could she make amends? “I’ll come back immediately,” she said miserably. “It’s the least I can do. We’ll pretend solidarity; we can say there was never a rift.”
“Sounds good to me.”
“I suppose Aliaga thought that I was the same as the others.”
“No,” he said. “She realised from the beginning you’re different. I think she saw you as a threat. ”
“Different?” Kat stared. “Am I?”
How was it possible to have been so wrong about everything? What a fool he must think she was.
He studied her curiously. A tiny pulse in his throat throbbed. “Of course you are.”
She felt her heart race. She said softly. “We can’t go back to how it was though, Rafael. You do know that don’t you?”
“Can’t we?”
Kat felt her insides liquefy. He was bound to see how much she needed him. Her emotions were such disorderly things, always on show, but her problems reached way beyond passion. They went too deep, couldn’t be ignored.
She turned and headed for the kitchen. Rafael followed. She sank into a chair; it was too late; too many things had been said. She knew it would never go away, but neither would this feeling of urgency.
Kat glanced his way. There was no denying it; she wanted to make love. It would definitely be the last time, though.
She would transport him to the edge of frenzy and be everything he wanted. The carnal act would be something he’d remember forever, and in the future, when he was safely married to some safe woman, in a smart safe house in some fashionable district, he would look back on this, and perhaps remember her.
And if that was selfish, she didn’t care. She took out her cell-phone, flipped it open, found Nathan Ashleigh’s number, thumbed in a text, ‘Sorry, no deal’, and pressed send. No way could she change sides, she belonged with Rafael, no matter what the cost.
She held out both her hands in his direction and when he came to her she kissed him. “You don’t know how much I need you,” he said thickly.
Kat felt her insides curl with pleasure. “Maybe I do,” she whispered, “But you could show me.”
She said his name softly when kissed the lobe of her ear. Her nipples stiffened provocatively against the thin material. He said. “You amaze me.” He looked at her. “Take that final step, Kat. Tell me you love me. I don’t want explanations or denials. I love you, and I want you to tell me you love me as well.”
“Oh, Rafael. You know I can’t.”
Admitting she loved him was out of the question. Tonight she would gladly give him all she had, but she could never give that word. She felt love, was flooded with love, but no one must ever know. He shouldn’t ask.
He said, “I know you love me, so don’t tell me you don’t. Just confirm it. I want you to go that extra step and say it.” He unexpectedly dropped on one knee. “Don’t you realise. I need commitment, Kat. I’m asking you to marry me.”
Kat stared in shock. She was silent for what seemed an eternity, but still no words would come.
Rafael looked tortured. It made him exquisite. His dark hair curled excitedly, his strong jaw set. At that instant, Kat knew she loved every atom of his body. She loved the tousled way he looked before he awoke, the way he spoke as they fondled, loved his quick mind, the way he smiled, and the quirky way he frowned when upset.
He said, “Well?”
The room seemed to expand and contract around her. She began to shake.
He said patiently, “Do you love me?”
She tried to steady her voice but it was shaky. “It won’t work. You know it can’t. Don’t be cruel, Rafael. Please stand.” Kat pulled him to his feet. “It can only lead to pain.”
“I know nothing of the sort. I realise what you think, Kat, but I don’t understand why you think it.”
“I’ve told you,” she said miserably. “My mother, me, we’re tainted. It’s in the blood. You can’t expect anything from me. I explained.”
“Talk to your mother, Kat.” His voice was gentle. “Find out what this tainted thing is then come back and explain to me. If you make me understand, I promise I won’t pester you any longer.”
“Don’t play games, Rafael. This isn’t the time. You know how afraid I am.”
He caught her shoulders. “Kat, your mother didn’t leave you. She didn’t even leave your father.”
“Don’t talk rubbish.”
“Picture this, your father has a seedy clothes shop in Barcelona; your mother is a nurse. They marry, but you come along and finances are stretched to breaking point. He decides he wants you to have a British upbringing; your mother insists you remain in Spain. They argue about it, they argue over money, they argue over everything. Eventually he accuses her of not working when she says she is, claims she’s seeing someone else. The marriage is destined to fail. Your father drinks too much and is in debt.
One night, they’re arguing as usual; there’s a bad thunderstorm, and you’re awake and crying, but she has to leave for work. When she returns the next morning, the place is empty. She is hysterical and goes to her brother for help.
She searches and searches but never finds you. She never sees you again. Your father has loaded everything into a van and taken you to England, and left the debts for your mother to repay. How do you think she feels, Kat? Do you think she feels tainted?”
“Her brother?” Kat said incredulously. “I have an uncle?”
“Uncle, aunt, cousins. You have a grandmother alive, too.”
“A grandmother?” Kat abruptly burst into tears. “I didn’t realise.”
“She didn’t have an affair, Kat. Your mother was never unfaithful; it was all in your dad’s liquor-filled mind. You have to face it, Kat. Your father has a problem, not you, not your mother. There is no hereditary trick making you unfaithful.”
Kat squeezed her eyes shut. She’d known forever that her father was a paradox.
Rafael glanced toward the door then back to her. “You don’t have a problem, Kat. You’re free to express your feelings whatever way you wish. Your feelings are yours, not badly strung genetics handed down from one generation to the next.”
“But there are urges inside me, intense urges. Nothing you say explains those away.”
A woman said softly, “Does that have to be explained, Katrina? A lot of things need to be explained, but surely not that?”
Kat whipped around. A tall slim woman stood in the doorway, an elegant woman with hair similar to her own… A distantly remembered face… sounds… smells… Memories flooding back…
Kat thought her heart would stop. She gulped for air and took a hesitant step forward. “Mum?” Suddenly she flung herself into her mother’s open arms then they were hugging and crying together.
All her life she wished for this moment. She always thought she’d be ready for it, but now the moment was here, she wasn’t. She couldn’t think of a thing to say. As a child she’d prayed, she’d wished, she’d fantasized but nothing happened. In the end, Rafael brought it about.
Adorable Rafael, how she loved him; the thought of being married to him, made her feel extraordinarily calm. The future started to look bright, very bright, indeed. Over her mother’s shoulder she caught his eye and mouthed a silent, “I love you…”
The End