The sound of wood cracking rent the air. “Motherfucker.” The cabinet handle broke off in his hand and he tossed it into the sink. After a few calming breaths, he asked, slowly, “What did he do?”
Shaking her head, she stared at a rip in the wallpaper over his shoulder. “As soon as he pulled me into his lap, I knew. Even as stupid as I was, I knew Roy had decided to keep me, to do whatever he wanted to me.” He’d demonstrated it, right then and there, under the table, touching her in ways no one had before. And she had been too damn frozen in fear to fight him. She’d frozen like that for two fucking years.
Jay’s body shook. “And your piece of shit father?”
“He didn’t notice. He was too busy losing his card game. Within a couple hours, he’d lost our house and the car we drove there in. And still, I thought he’d win everything back. When Roy asked everyone to leave and it was just Craig and I left, he told Craig to wager me. If Craig won, he’d walk away with everything and his debt would be cleared. If he lost…”
Jay’s chest heaved, his arm holding her to him.
“I understand why Roy did it. He’s the big scary boss man no one wants to fuck with. He was flaunting his power over Craig. And what he wants…”
“He gets.” His voice was quiet, inconsolable.
Her throat swelled. “Craig didn’t even think about it. Didn’t even negotiate the terms. Maybe he assumed it was one night. Maybe he thought he was going to win, and it didn’t matter.”
“And the stupid fucker lost everything, including his daughter and his life.”
“When they walked him out, he didn’t say good-bye. Didn’t look at me. Probably too afraid to draw Roy’s attention.”
He cupped her face and kissed her lips. “It’s unfathomable. You are so precious, how could anyone walk away from you?”
She rubbed a finger over the deep lines fanning out from the corners of his eyes. Roy shared Jay’s sentiment, but Roy’s was a sick selfish kind of obsession. “So that’s it. Took me two years to escape. Met you four years after that.”
“Charlee.” He shook his head. “We need to talk about those two years, and whatever happened in your second kidnapping.”
Full disclosure. She’d vowed not to hide from it. “Ask me then.”
“You were a virgin?” The low dangerous level of his tone said he already knew the answer.
She nodded. “That night, I learned that sex didn’t require my permission. He took it, regardless of how hard I fought. Anal, vaginal, oral. In that order. Most of the scars you saw were inflicted in the first few hours.”
His body vibrated beneath her, rotating the air with the violence of his breath.
“It’s in the past, Jay.” She smoothed her hand over his jaw. “The only things he got from me were what he took from me. Even the orgasms.” The last word was a whisper.
Heat reddened his face behind hard eyes. “Tell me about that.” He seemed to be hanging onto his anger by a fragile tether.
“Jay, I don’t think—”
“Tell me, goddammit.”
A swallow scorched down her raw throat. “When I wouldn’t come or feel anything when he fucked me, he hit me harder, fucked me harder.” The words clawed at her throat as she forced them out. “It made him so mad when I hid inside myself. He wanted to possess me in every way and had found a way to draw me out. He used my body against me, made me feel, and forced me to orgasm when I tried to hide from his touch.” Her mouth went dry. “He’d had plenty of practice over the first two years and learned how to control my body better than I could.”
For a long moment, the only sound in the room was the grinding of his teeth. “And you can’t come now?”
“I can. On my own, when I concentrate on remembered pain. Or in my sessions, when I have the physical pain to focus on.”
“Because you’ve been conditioned to associate pleasure with pain.”
What did he think of her? She trembled. No one would want such a damaged, ruined girl. He could do so much better. “Yeah.”
“What kind of pain do you need?”
Was he considering doing this for her? “A backhand across the face. A choking restraint. Dry penetration. Those are mild forms, but they might work.”
“Mild?” he croaked, shoving a hand through his hair. “Christ, Charlee.” He stared at her. “Maybe when you’re with me, you could try to just think about the pain like you do when you’re alone.”
He wanted honesty. “Do you want me thinking about Roy when you’re fucking me?”
He flinched like she’d punched him, and she realized she’d just implied she had to think of another man to get off while with him.
“Jay, I didn’t mean you don’t turn me on, because I’ve never felt as good as I do with you. But when I recall pain, I instantly think of—”
“I know, Charlee. I don’t like it, but I understand.” He hugged her, resting his lips on her forehead. “We’ll figure out another way.”
In the warmth of his embrace and the stillness of the confined room, her swirling emotions abated. When she leaned back to look at him, his face was clouded in thought.