“I’m trying to wrap my head around your sessions. It would make more sense if you were the one with the whip. A submissive position seems like the last thing you’d want.”
His gaze turned introspective and she kept quiet to see what he’d come up with.
“I think you need the pain,” he murmured.
Her throat tightened. Of course, he was right, but hearing it voiced made her want to shove him. “No. That’s not—”
“No? Charlee, the harder I pounded you, the wetter you got.” His timbre remained soft despite the punch of his words.
“The pain helps me focus. It’s just…”
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of. And as soon as we both grasp what it means, and accept it, we can figure out how to make it work. Help me understand. Tell me why you aren’t doing the dominating to take back what Roy took from you?”
“I don’t know. It’s not like I have a handbook telling me what to do. I just go with what feels right for me. And it may seem like I’m yielding, but I’m not. I can stop it when I want. If I topped you—”
His eyes narrowed.
“You would have the control. You could say stop, and I would have to concede.”
“Did this kind of thing appeal to you before you met Roy?”
“I wouldn’t know. I was sixteen when he got me the first time.”
His body turned to stone beneath her and his hands balled into fists.
“No punching the bathroom wall.” She tapped his tense lips until they slacked.
“How did he get you?”
“Craig had a gambling addiction. Owed a lot of money to a lot of people. Most of his debt was owed to Roy Oxford.”
“And you didn’t have a mom.”
“Nope.”
He closed his eyes and opened them just as slowly. “You and I have lived equally lonely lives. I wish we would’ve had each other growing up.”
A light, hazy feeling drifted through her. He would’ve protected her, cherished her…loved her when no one else did.
“What happened?”
The dreamy sensation evaporated, leaving the heavy burden of reality. “One morning, Craig woke me, told me I wasn’t going to school. We were going on a trip.” She looked at the door. “I had no idea I wouldn’t be returning to Phoenix. Though, thinking back on it, I’m not sure Craig did either.”
Jay’s fingers bit into her hip.
She let her hair fall forward on her shoulders, hiding her face. She had been so gullible then. “We drove eleven hours to San Francisco. Straight to Roy’s penthouse. When we arrived, he made me change clothes in the car. Gave me a short black dress to wear and led me to the sixtieth floor.” And still she hadn’t questioned Craig’s intentions.
Jay pushed her hair from her face, and turned her chin to see her eyes. “Go on.”
“There were five men gathered around a poker table in Roy’s game room. Wealthy, if their suits and piles of chips were anything to go by. I knew Craig owed Roy money. I didn’t know how much, but I thought he’d win back his debt.” She sighed at her naivety. “I later figured out I was there as collateral in case he didn’t.”
“To barter you?”
“For one night. Craig was a selfish prick and an absent father, but I don’t think he intended to leave me there permanently.”
“I want to kill him, Charlee.”
A small smile shook the corner of her mouth. “Roy beat you to it.”
His eyes widened.
“Nothing worked out the way Craig planned. He certainly hadn’t expected Roy’s…reaction to me.”
Red splotched his cheeks and the torment in his eyes blistered in her chest. She tucked her chin and let her hair cover her face again.
He gathered it with one hand at her neck and used it to tilt her head back. “Stop hiding from me. I want to hear all of it.”
The concern in his soft expression and his mere proximity bolstered her.
“The moment I arrived, Roy watched me…in the oily way he does. Eyes sliding up and down. Smile oozing across the table. I wasn’t used to that kind of attention. I was inexperienced, completely unaware of what it meant. I couldn’t have guessed at the things he was thinking about doing to me. Over the course of the night, his glances grew more intense, more possessive. I should’ve figured it out and run.”
His eyes, glassy under the fluorescent lights, cleaved straight through her heart. “You were a child, had zero power to change the outcome. You did as your father told you, trusted him the way every child trusts her parent for protection.”
She nodded. “Then three women sashayed in. They were beautiful, with boobs out to here, and dressed in undergarments. They flocked around Roy, so confident in their bodies, and very acquainted with his.” She blew out a breath. “Christ, I was so young. The way they touched him and kissed him, I was both mesmerized and sickened. Yet, he never took his eyes off me. He eventually waved them away and called me over to sit on his lap.”