I will him to talk to me, to open up and tell me what has him in such turmoil. Relationships aren’t just about the good times or about the intimate moments. It’s about supporting each other through the challenges and hard times and coming out the other end together. I trusted him with the ghosts of my past and I wish he would place the same trust in me. Unconditionally and without hesitation.
He looks at me and I unwillingly hold my breath. The moonlight shining through the window illuminates his face, exposing how haunted and desolate he looks, his eyes drained of the light I always find so comforting within them. Time ticks past, minute by minute, and just when I think he’s not going to say anything he opens his mouth.
“I’m so sorry,” he chokes out. Tears stream down his face and I struggle to keep my own feelings in check. It’s my turn to listen, the way he listened when I showed him the parts of my life that weren’t perfect. I scoot closer until our thighs are touching and I wipe his cheeks with my thumbs. His skin is smooth with a bit of stubble.
“Talk to me, please,” I plead, “Trust me with your heart, the way I trust you with mine. Let me help you carry the hurt and pain that makes your heart so broken.”
He wraps his hands around my wrists and kisses each palm before turning to face me completely. He lets my hands go and pulls his fingers through his hair, releasing a shuddering breath.
“That girl, Haley, is my ex-girlfriend. But she was also my sisters’ best friend.” His eyes close as he tries to compose himself before continuing. “Haley and I started dating when we were sophomores in High School. When we got to College, things changed. She became distant and we started seeing less of each other. She even pulled away from my sister.”
My heart constricts when I see the anguish on his face at the mention of his sister and as much as I want to take his hurt away, this is something he has to do on his own.
I remain quiet, attentive, and with another shake breath, he continues. “Eight months into our freshman year, we were at a house party hosted by a mutual friend. Haley and I had been fighting so I wasn’t expecting to see her there. But when I walked into my friends’ bedroom, I interrupted them. Haley was on her knees giving some guy I didn’t even know, a blowjob. I turned around and left but the image still became ingrained in my mind. I broke up with her the same night,” he pauses, rubbing a hand over his tired face. His inner conflict stirs and flashes across his face. “A week later, Emilie was in an accident and Haley just left,” a strangled sob escapes from his mouth.
“You don’t have to tell me any more.” My voice is nothing but a whisper, as small as he probably feels.
He shakes his head. “No, I need to tell you all of it. I haven’t spoken about it in so long…”
I cup his face, connecting my eyes with his. “It’s ok Grayson, take your time. I’m right here.”
His chest heaves with a deep inhalation and he hesitates for a brief second before he decides to tell me the rest. “Emilie was away with friends. She went to a town an hour away and on her last night there they went to a bar. I spoke to her that night and she was so excited because there was a band she couldn’t wait to see. She had a crush on the lead singer and couldn’t wait to watch them perform. At about two am, my phone rang. When I heard a guys’ voice answer me I knew something was wrong. He told me that they were rushing Emilie to the nearest hospital because she was…she was…ra…raped in the alley behind the bar,” he stutters between sobs. “They got in a car accident on the way to the hospital and by the time they got her to the hospital she was…she was dead.”
That’s all it takes for me to wrap my arms around him and hold him while his body shakes. I never would have imagined that this is what he was keeping inside.
“I didn’t even get to say goodbye,” he cries, “And I’ve beaten myself up over it for almost two years because I should’ve been there to protect her. My parents think she was on the way to the hospital because of the accident, I couldn’t bring myself to tell them what happened to her before.”
I stand up and straddle him, wrapping my arms and legs around his big body. The force he uses to hold me crushes me but I don’t really care. His hands grip my back and he squeezes. I feel tears trickle down my own cheeks, and I feel my heart breaking in my chest for what he’s been through. I pull away to look into his sad, lifeless eyes. I recognize his pain. I know how he feels.
“It’s not your fault. There was nothing you could’ve done. You couldn’t save her and the only way you will heal is if you let go of your guilt. Emilie would want you to keep living, because she no longer can.”
“Tell me how,” he breathes. “Tell me how to let go when I feel like I let her down.”
I bring my forehead down to his. “Forgive yourself,” I whisper. “Let it go, one breath at a time.”
Grayson stands up, with me still wrapped around him, and carries me to bed effortlessly. He lays us both down and I feel the tension leaves his body. I push my fingers through his hair and rub circles on his back, comforting him the best way I know how.