A soft knock came from the other side of the door and before I had a chance to tell the person to go away, the door crept open. My mom appeared in the doorway and shut it behind her. The first thing I noticed was how her red, puffy face fell when she took in the scene before her. Her knuckles flinched, clutching the tissues that were balled up in her hand as she let out a light whimper.
Tessa was the first to get up, reaching her hand out for me to grab. Running my hands down the length of my dress, I tried to get rid of the wrinkles, but it didn't help. The dress was ruined, but I didn’t care. It had a scheduled meeting with my fireplace as soon as I got home.
The sound of my mom clearing her throat broke the uncomfortable silence. "Sweetie," she said, gently, looking straight at me. "They are getting ready to start the service." My eyes immediately dropped to my shaking hands studying the chipped pink nail polish on my fingernails. I gave her a slow nod. Nodding and shaking my head had become my regular form of communication since that day. I had practically become a mute with the exception of the bitchy outburst I just gave Dawson.
"Okay," I mumbled, drawing the word out. "Can you two just give me a minute alone, please?"
"Of course," my mom answered, squeezing out a fake smile. "But you only have a few minutes." Turning around, she left the room and Tessa followed her, stopping briefly to squeeze my hand before closing the door.
With the room empty, I stumbled back towards the couch, sinking into the hard cushions. My fingers were still shaking as I fished out the now slightly damp, folded paper in the pocket of my jacket. I swallowed the nausea creeping its way up my throat and carefully unfolded the note.
Tanner,
This is the best way I knew to tell you goodbye. I hope that's okay with you. I remember you always loved the letters and notes I would write you during our free periods. I even decorated the corners with the tiny hearts like I did in middle school. I wanted you to be the only person who heard my goodbye; not all those people sitting in the room next to me. This is our goodbye - just for the two of us.
I have spent all of today missing you and I know that's how I'll spend tomorrow and the next and the next. I don't know how I am going to get through everything without you by my side. I've never had to do anything without you and I'm terrified. I'm scared, god, I'm so scared. All of our plans, our dreams, have been ripped into shreds and thrown into a blazing fire.
I can't stop thinking about all of those talks we used to have laying face down and holding each other's hands. Our huge wedding in your parent's backyard before our honeymoon in Tahiti and our future kids we were suppose to have. You know that would have been a handful, but you would have been an amazing father. And husband. We would have had a great life together.
Everyone keeps telling me I am going to have to move on with my life but I have no idea how to even start. I remember when I first told you I love you and you said, "there’s no taking it back." I never actually thought about how much those words meant to me until this very moment. I will never take it back. You will also have my heart.
I'm sorry. I am so sorry and if I could take it back I would. I cannot wait until I see your smiling face and we meet again.
I love you,
Daisy
The words grew blurry as I dragged my finger across the paper, and quickly folded it back in its square before securing it back in my pocket. The heels of my shoes sunk into the carpet as I lifted myself up and tried to mentally prepare myself for what was about to happen.
I was seventeen years old and I was going to say goodbye to the love of my life. I had been shattered to pieces and I knew the shards would never fit back in the same mold. But that wasn't the worst part, no. I might not have pulled the trigger but I could have stopped the bullet from hitting him.
5 Months Later
THE VOICE blared through the speakers above my head and woke me up from my sleepy haze. My mouth opened wide, yawning, and I wiped the dried up slobber from the side of my face. Reaching my arm behind my back, I struggled to massage the heavy tension spreading from my neck down to my back. The pill I had taken earlier to help me relax was starting to wear off, forcing my anxiety to resurface.
God, I loathed flying.